I want to go some place
Somewhere I know is far
I want to fly towards space
Between the moon and stars
I want to dig through the earth
And find my way to the ocean
Where I know that life is better
But these concrete walls keep crushing me
I don't know who you are just help make me
Free
Please, come set me free
From this burning hell of rotting disease
The dying light put a hole in me
Whoever you are, just set me free
Dying
Not a whole lot left to give
I want to see the world for more than this
From the red hot air to the shining sea
I want to get back the rest of me
Lying
Here in a bed of shifty sounds
Telling me the things that I'll never be
The sun or the sea is where I want to flee
But my body can't
I'm dying
Whoever you are
Whoever you may be
Please come on, just set me free
Free
Please, come set me free
From this burning hell of rotting disease
The dying light put a hole in me
Whoever you are, just set me free
Isn't anybody there
Doesn't anyone care
I'm dying
My legs don't work good no more
My heart ain't beating but it's so sore
Just come a little closer
Step a little nearer
I have one last thing to say before I go
I'll never see the deepest ocean blues
Pull the plug
I'm crying
All the wonderful places I'll never go
The desert plains or the ice and the snow
I know I can't
I'm trying
Trying to hold on tight
But I know I can't
All the good things that I'll never be
My last request is just make me free
Free
Free, come set me free
The twisted pains put a hole in me
Whoever you are, don't just let me be
A rotting hell, flesh and disease
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I thought this was a very well written song!
I really really really enjoyed this part:
Pull the plug
I'm crying
All the wonderful places I'll never go
The desert plains or the ice and the snow
I know I can't
I'm trying
Trying to hold on tight
But I know I can't
All the good things that I'll never be
My last request is just make me free
There is one thing I would say that is in the negative realm:
1. I feel like at the beginning of the song, there is no clear structure. I can't seem to find verses, choruses, etc. But near the end, the structure slowly evolves and I start to see it.
I have to say- this was extremely saddening for me!
Nice job.
XXX,
sapphireluna
Holden Caulfield here for a review.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Not only was it well-written, but the theme was very sad. Just the idea of a young person dying, thinking about the things that he or she will never be able to do, while on the brink of death, is both melancholy and unsettling. I am not one to cry, but you managed to depress me greatly, which was good, but the end had a sense of ironic hope: being that death will set the narrator free.
My only concern is the length. I know that you have a lot to say, but it drags on a bit, particularly towards the middle, and I can't help but feel that you are repeating some of the same things. In poetry, less is more. Don't add on too many things. The bare minimum to get the point across is how it is supposed to be, unless, of course, if you are writing Epic Poetry, which few people do anymore.
Now, my favorite part about your piece is how you open each stanza with a word describing an emotion, desire, or thought that the narrator has. It is stylistically powerful. The word "free" seems to be the main leitmotif of the work, as it were, and you do an effective job of reprising the word and its relation to the thoughts of the narrator throughout the poem. Well done. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Best,
- Holden