It was a verse I knew
would be read one day
but a verse worth moving on
for the sorrow that laid
was unconquerable
by art or by strength
It was a morbid sound
in a quiet room
when your heart gave out
all the words collapsed
nothing we could say
would dull the insufferable pain
for thirteen years to come
Now in the cold of night
I step into your bedroom
and your shoes are still there
right by the door
and the book you were into
is still on the shelf
guess neither of us will know
how our stories will end
why is youth so wasted on the young
And your bed is made
you still planned to sleep there tonight
but you never well imagined that
your time on earth would dwindle
into the tattered, empty nothing
and the very next day
I would be carrying your ashes
just as you wanted
fifty or sixty years from now
I'm just wiping off the dust
from the jeans you loved
boxing and selling them
for financial cause
and I'll fund a place
we're not welcome at
a place I don't fit in
Thirteen years have passed
and I want to go back
to your final moments
when your breaths all stopped
and everything was all wrong
I was the last to see your life
and I was just too young
to save your dying heart
and save everyone from the broken souls
they'd have to endure for thirteen years to come
oh why is youth so wasted on the young
Thirteen winter years have passed
and still we're drifting closer towards the dawn of moving on
Thirteen winter years have passed
and still we're drifting closer towards the dawn of moving on
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139,307 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
I loved everything about this. Unlike a fellow reviewer, I really enjoyed the title, I just wanted to throw that out before getting too far into this. It's just a personal preference thing. The whole poem really channels what you feel directly to the audience, but it especially hit me the second time you write, "oh why is youth so wasted on the young." I also particularly loved, "I would be carrying your ashes/ just as you wanted/ fifty or sixty years from now." It's a simple line on the surface, not overplayed or drawn out, but all the more powerful for it. The emotion of this piece stands for itself, without a need for super elevated language or other distracting lyrical "tools." The way you express yourself in this is truly masterful. I hope writing it was cathartic, because reading it certainly was.
thank you
Hey there! I know we're on different Review Teams, but I'll try to give you good pointers in this review, either way. Happy Review Day and good luck!
To start off, this is really good! You do a really good job describing the emotions that the narrator feels, so the reader can easily connect with them. Being able to engage the reader is a really good skill to have as a poet, and you really make an impact with that.
One thing I wish you would have included the verse that you alluded to in the first stanza, as a bit of an interlude to the poem, to give a little more background to the whole story of the relationship the narrator had with the deceased person.
I'd almost rather have the last two repeating lines at the beginning of this poem, to make some sort of reference to a verse, and I feel like it'd be a good introduction. Then you could open up more about the verse and what the house looks like, all these years after that sad event.
One other thing that I think k you should change are the two lines "when your breaths all stopped and everything was all wrong." It's by that I don't like them, but I feel like they'd flow better if you took out the "all"s, like this: "when your breath stopped and everything was wrong." This makes it less wordy and less awkward, at least I think it does.
That's all I have for now! I hope this helped! Good luck with future writing!
thank you
You're very welcome!
Hello tigeraye, I'm here with a review
I like the way your lyrics combines both angst and love, and I could feel that the narrator is both grieving and upset. I felt like this was the narrator's letter to his or her loved one.
I thought your title didn't exactly match, though. This was more like a vivid recall thirteen years ago, but never mind my title nitpicks if you like the title anyway.
I'm not that sure what you mean by "the sorrow that laid". On whom? Later you mentioned that there were others who were grieving, so maybe you could mention on whom was the sorrow lay. And also, I did not particularly like the last line. It somehow doesn't match the tone of your lyrics.
Also, the fact that "youth is so wasted on the young" is interwoven in the lyrics, but I don't understand how it ties to the rest of your poem.
The stanza where the narrator wished she/he could have done things differently had the strongest emotions inside, and it is one of the best stanzas in your lyrics.
And your last two stanzas are repetitious, so I felt like you could invoke a subtle change in the last stanza. I like repetition myself, but it can be awkward at places so it's good to make teeny differences that catch the reader's eye. "dawn of moving on" feels awkward too, so it might be a good idea to rephrase it.
I definitely enjoyed reading your lyrics overall, and aside from a few problems, this lyrics' flow is excellent. Have a great day, and keep writing!
Sincerely,
Princess Ink
thank you