Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
SCENE 5
It was another harsh drop onto another hard floor. The group collectively groans in pain at the harsh fall.
Once again, the group stands, rubbing and massaging their muscles and joints.
DAKOTA:
(Massaging his wrists)
I'm gonna have bruises all over from this, jeez . . .
CARMON:
(Leaning back to stretch)
Stop complaining. Let's just get this over with.
KHAILEN nods in agreement, starting to make her way to a large door. The trio wander in, the blue screen popping up in front of them again.
Quest completed! Complete the next quest to continue.
The date is April 6th, 1917.
Quest: Listen.
The group collectively sighs in relief.
DAKOTA:
At least it's something easy this time.
CARMON nods, agreeing in silence.
The group walked through the room seeing several people. Most look upset or mad. KHAILEN walks up to one of the people, going to press her hand to their shoulder. Her hand phases through them. They can't be seen.
Then, a conversation starts.
PERSON ONE:
The Germans have sent correspondence to Mexico.
PERSON TWO:
Do we know what was said?
PERSON ONE:
The British intercepted it. Germany wants an alliance with Mexico if we join the war.
KHAILEN and CARMON look at each other. DAKOTA looks horrified.
PERSON TWO:
Are you kidding?!
PERSON ONE:
No.
PERSON TWO:
Well what are we going to do?!
PERSON ONE:
(Leaning back in his chair)
We join the war. . .
DAKOTA takes a few steps back. CARMON notices and rushes over, her hand grabbing his. A comforting hold.
KHAILEN starts to wander through the rows of chairs, listening in on tad bits of information. She hears about a document called the Zimmermann Telegram. She can hear people talking of the new found results . . .
KHAILEN turns to DAKOTA and CARMON, her gaze filled with concern.
KHAILEN:
Did you hear?
CARMON:
(Tilting her head)
Unless I missed something, I don't think so.
KHAILEN:
A guy from Germany, I think his name was Arthur Zimmermann. He's a secretary. He sent word to Mexico that if America joins the war, they should form an alliance.
DAKOTA:
(Shaking his head)
Please tell me they didn't. . .
KHAILEN shifts, her arms wrapping around herself. She looks away, unable to bear DAKOTA's gaze.
KHAILEN:
Mexico declined but America has joined the war . . .
DAKOTA stands there for a moment in utter shock. CARMON's grip on his hand tightens. In another quick flash, the group is dropped and are being transported once again.
**End SCENE 5**
SCENE 6
The group lands this time on grass. Thankfully, they land on their feet.
They are in American standard Military Uniforms, set in lines and rows. The group glance around, eyes watching everything.
The blue screen pops up yet again, flashing with the same words they have grown familiar with.
Quest Completed! Complete the next quest to continue.
The date is June 16th or 1917.
KHAILEN's eyes drop to the ground. They are starting to get annoyed. They are not sure when this will end or when they will get to go home. They are uncomfortable and lethargic.
CARMON glances behind her towards DAKOTA. He appears to be upset. Most likely about a place he's so familiar with being brought into the war.
She sighs and faces forward again.
There isn't any talking. No sounds besides the soft thump of boots on the ground. The blue screen flashes again. An explanation.
America has finally joined the war. The world is now in a world war.
American soldiers have set foot on French Soil, in the Port of Saint Nazaire. They are taking their first salute.
Just then, the rows of soldiers stop . . . stand still . . . and then salute. After a few moments, a crowd forms.
The screen pops up again, but not for reassurance.
Training camps will be set up by the commander John J. Pershing. Communications will form, supply networks strengthening. Now, no one is safe.
In a fast moment, the group is suddenly falling again, the ground disappearing under their feet as they are transported yet again in a flash.
**End SCENE 6**
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the dastardly S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The Delta Unit finds themselves teleported to World War 1. The three of them are shocked, Khailen is tired, Carmon is worried, Dakota is scared, and the war continues on.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Hmm…this is a little bit faster, but I think it might be the effects of time traveling.
Chocolate Bar - I love how the ending is a little bit sadder than the other chapters, especially Dakota’s reaction to the war. I feel bad that he has to see all that. Also, Carmon looking back at Dakota with worry is so sweet and shows how much she cares about him.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a sorrowful chapter that shows how history is not a walk in the park and that the things that happened during the past was genuinely horrible. Whatever they will go through will not be easy, I worry for them all, especially Dakota. :< And now…
I wish you a terrific day/night! ^v^
Thank you or the review <3
Yw!
Hi Tao. Finally caught up with most of the stuff that’s older than your screenplay. See, waiting it out eventually lets me come to you, even without bribes =D
Tao, you know I am more a prose than content kinda gal so I need to tell you: Your very first paragraph has a repetition of “harsh”, me not like.
I feel like sharing random things today, dw, I get back to the screenplay soon. But Dakota just has me think of Red Vs Blue and I keep thinking that he should be the sniper bc North was the sniper and it is just unfair in my brain =D
Wonder if “listening” rly is going to be as easy as they assume xd
Again with the repetition, here: “one of the people”, you had the ppl in the previous sentence too. Maybe describe the person she’s approaching instead and where they stand in relation to the other ppl?
Oh, I didn’t know abt an alliance with Mexico O_O
I don’t know if “are you kidding” is something ppl in 1917 would say? Idk in what setting we are, but the previous ones all had been military or military-adjacent?
Oh and I wonder why this hits Dakota so hard. I think I might have missed smthing abt him.
Actually I am generally confused why this hits these agents so hard. They should know this, being from the future? Or is it bc this is even new information to them? But what rly does it mean to them that in the past, Germany considered allying with Mexico?
I do wonder what the purpose of this scene was. Starting to think we are building up to something here even if I cant quite understand what yet. Hopefully this wont take us to WWII. I hate WWII ☹
Wonder why scene 5 is strike through (And end of scene 6 too?)
Oh the time teleportation CAN change their clothes? Why didn’t it do that earlier? oô
Hm you are describing the eyes doing stuff a lot this scene. Just remember that it IS weird to write “eyes drop to the ground” bc … this is not what the eyes are doing. It’s the gaze. I know it’s crept into actual books but this is fanfic speak xd
Ah ok so Dakota is familiar with Mexico. But that doesn’t explain why he’s so shocked abt something that is happening in the past. Or does he think this DIDN’T happen in the actual time line? That the timeline can shift? I thought they are here to prevent that?
Ok I am confused ab this: “The screen pops up again,” I thought the italics are abt what the screen shows so to phrase it like that, it feels as if the screen disappeared and reappeared with the new scene? In general, I am v lost with the italics. I don’t know where the scenes are shown or if there is text underneath etc I felt like you did it better in the previous scenes.
Okay okay okay, SOOOOO,
I totally agree with what you said on the first sentence. That was really crunchy and repetitive.
So, Dakota is Mexican. This hits him hard because they had just witnessed everything before, and he does not want his people getting involved.
The point of this is to be quick and to the point, so the unrealistic speech is just to get younger readers attention and keep them involved.
These agents are hit hard throughout it all. In the 1st and 2nd scenes, it is stated that they ARE NOT from this world. They are from an alternate Earth, the history they are witnessing is NOT their own. So, it's all new to them.
The Italics is a mistake on my behalf because of YWS's formatting system, my bad lol
After this point, it was also rushed since I ran out of time and my screen play was late, so I had to speed write it. When I am finished with the whole screenplay in itself, I plan to go back and re-write these scenes a LOT better.
Thank you so much for your opinions! <3
~ Taost
Also, yes, the teleporting CAN change their clothes, but think of it like this,
It can change their clothes the STRONGER it gets. When they first transferred, it was weak, it didn't have a strong hold on them. there is more on that to come, but this is also poor writing on my behalf, I apologize.
I accept the explanation about teleport getting stronger