Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
SCENE 1
**Introduction**
NARRATOR:
The future of the world was never a clean one. Several different dimensions filled with different creations, yet all a part of the same system. Our story is set in one world a few years ahead of the first, on the same planet with a different timeline.
NARRATOR:
With the failure of peace crashing across the countries, a chemical was discovered in a far part of Russia. Several other ones were found in other places, such as Qatar, England, Norway, Egypt and America. The countries missing these special chemicals were mad. They started a war.
NARRATOR:
In an attempt to keep peace, Qatar and Egypt tried to share their chemicals, only for it to start a massive chemical warfare with the other countries. Everyone wanted something that they just couldn't have. It was too far from reach.
NARRATOR:
Now, a few military forces are trying to find a way to diminish the chemicals, to remove them and return the world to peace. But their efforts are soon forgotten.
**Start of scene**
The year is 2030, a chilly morning in August. A group of three are in a far part of Bosnia. The air was cold, a breeze wafting through the trees. KHAILEN, CARMON and DAKOTA were on a mission to retrieve intel from an enemy base. They are just barely 2 miles away from the location.
The group was walking in silence at first, only the wind could be heard. The grass was tall, the dirt moist. It wasn't pleasant. The sound of CARMON's gas mask could also be heard, the soft clicks and whirrs of the mechanics a peaceful and gentle sound.
As the group gets closer to their destination, it is DAKOTA who speaks first. He had stopped walking straight a few feet back. He was now slouched, his rifle slung lazily against his shoulder as he whined.
DAKOTA:
Why couldn't we have the helo drop us off closer?
CARMON:
Because the enemy would have heard us. Are you really that dense?
KHAILEN:
Let's calm down and get this done. Then you can complain all you want.
They continued to walk, the soft crunch of leaves beneath their boots echoing in the area. The base was now just into view. The walls are surrounded by enemies and there is no real place to take cover. Regardless, KHAILEN persists in the mission.
KHAILEN had dropped to a crouch, dragging the other two with her as she looked into their eyes. Her tone was firm, she would take no disobedience. They had gone over the mission before, so there were no surprises for any of them. They knew what to expect.
KHAILEN:
Carmon, get into position. I want your sniper up and trained on that building. Clear us a spot to get in.
CARMON:
Understood.
KHAILEN:
Dakota, I want you to watch my six. Don't let me get killed.
DAKOTA:
No promises, Colonel.
KHAILEN:
If I die, Sergeant, I will haunt you and let Carmon have your head.
DAKOTA:
(He glances away nervously, knowing KHAILEN isn't one to go against her word)
Yes, ma'am.
As the group separates, only the soft sound of ruffling leaves and wind can be heard. However, their gear wasn't made to camouflage the golden brown of the dead grass. They didn't make it far before an enemy spotted them. Shouts in a different language are heard as CARMON shifts her position, her sniper aiming at the shouting enemy. She had her finger on the trigger, preparing to shoot.
DAKOTA:
Hey, Black! I think they saw you!
With her concentration now broken, she releases her position, slamming her sniper down to look up at DAKOTA. She's irritated, annoyed. The soft rasp in her voice says it all. Her German accent sticks out now.
CARMON:
You mean us, right? They saw us.
KHAILEN:
Okay ladies, you're both pretty! Now let's get out of here before we get killed!
The group forces themselves up, giving away their hiding spot. They run, dodging gunfire as they go. CARMON takes up the rear, covering the group as they retreat. Before they can reach a clearing in the trees, a grenade is tossed towards them.
DAKOTA:
(He catches the grenade, not realizing what it is. He looks down, squealing at the sight)
AH! HOT POTATO! HOT!
KHAILEN:
(She turns after hearing DAKOTA's shouts and she quickly reaches over to swat at his hands)
Drop it, you fool! Drop it!
Chaos breaks out between the group, yells from both CARMON and KHAILEN. But DAKOTA is stubborn and in a panic. He tosses the grenade in his hands, making the two women briefly question if he even passed basic training. Before any of them could snatch the grenade from DAKOTA's hands, it explodes right in his palms. Instead of them dying however, all three of them see a bright flash of white. A loud ringing can be heard before the group starts to stir.
CARMON is the first to wake. The air is no longer cold and visibly clearer, as there are no chemicals hovering in the sky. The oxygen is cleaner and her mask no longer makes noticeable sounds. There is nothing for it to filter.
CARMON:
(She sits up, a groan leaving her as she rubs her eyes)
Ugh . . . What was that?
KHAILEN:
(She remains on her back, her hands running through the grass. Her tone is bitter and sharp, clearly annoyed.)
I believe that was a grenade, Lieutenant.
KHAILEN is visibly tired, her eyes still closed.
CARMON:
I'm no fool, Khailen, I know it was a grenade. But, why aren't we dead?
KHAILEN:
(She finally shifts, pushing herself to sit up)
Wait, what?
She finally takes a moment to look around, quickly coming to the conclusion that they are no longer where they were before. She mentally makes the assumption that they were moved while unconscious, but she does not comment on it.
CARMON:
(She glances over, finally examining her surroundings as well. She finds nothing of importance, so she brings her gaze down to DAKOTA)
I do, however, think our Sergeant might be.
KHAILEN:
He's not dead.
(She grumbles, rolling her eyes as she reaches over to shake him.)
Up. Get up.
DAKOTA:
(He rolls over, swatting KHAILEN's hand away)
Five more minutes.
CARMON:
Dakota, if you don't sit up in the next 10 seconds, I will hand you another live grenade. And this time, you won't survive.
DAKOTA shoots upright this time, hands raised and laughing to himself.
DAKOTA:
Alright! Alright, I'm up! Don't kill me.
CARMON:
(She nods, proud of herself)
Good. Now stay alive.
KHAILEN:
Stop bickering.
(KHAILEN pushes herself up to stand, stretching her arms above her head)
We have to figure out where we—
KHAILEN is cut off by a sharp ding, a blue panel now hovering in front of the group. The panel reads . . .
The year is 1914. It is currently July 28th. You are located outside of Sarajevo, Bosnia. Complete the Quest to continue.
The three look at the panel in confusion as it flickers. They look at each other, then back at the screen. It flickers out.
DAKOTA:
Well . . . That's interesting.
CARMON:
(Her voice is dripping with sarcasm)
I like the part where it tells us what the Quest is.
KHAILEN:
C'mon, it can't be that bad. Let's get to Sarajevo and see what we find.
DAKOTA:
Are we just going to skip over the part where we randomly got sent back nearly 116 years into the past?
CARMON:
(Shrugging)
I guess so.
KHAILEN:
We aren't going to forget anything.
(She places her hands on both their shoulders)
We are going to stay calm and just go with it. Understand? If we panic, we'll get nowhere.
CARMON:
(She points at KHAILEN)
I think you're crazy.
KHAILEN:
Don't try me. Let's go.
KHAILEN pushes past them, not looking over her shoulder as she expects them to follow. The group starts to walk until they enter the capital city. They are clueless of what is to come.
**End SCENE 1**
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 2
The streets of Bosnia were crowded with people, buildings close together and the structures looking new, despite not looking like what they were used to seeing in a modern setting.
The group wandered the streets, DAKOTA admiring the market stands. Several people had looked at them, pointing out their clothes. KHAILEN was the first to visibly notice the looks of the civilians.
KHAILEN:
(She grabs the two's shoulders, dragging them into an alley)
We need to change clothes. We don't fit in here.
CARMON:
(Tilting her head)
You're just now noticing?
KHAILEN:
(She drops her tone to a furious whisper)
You noticed and you didn't tell me?!
CARMON:
(Shrugging again)
You didn't ask.
DAKOTA:
(A smirk falls onto his lips)
And I thought I was bad at communication—
KHAILEN & CARMON:
(Both shouting in sync)
No one asked you!
DAKOTA:
(Raising his hands in defeat and turning around)
Whatever you say, ladies.
KHAILEN:
(Sighing in defeat)
Let's just find some clothes to wear to fit in. We can't walk around in uniform.
CARMON:
I am not wearing whatever they are wearing.
KHAILEN:
I don't believe I gave you a choice, Lieutenant. You're gonna have to take the mask off.
CARMON:
And look like a freak? I don't believe so.
DAKOTA:
You don't look like a freak, Carm. You'll be fine, just take it off.
CARMON:
(Groans in annoyance and walks away)
KHAILEN:
(Rubbing her temples)
Let's go.
KHAILEN and DAKOTA follow after CARMON. They dodge between the groups of people, trying their best to stay out of sight as much as possible. It isn't long before CARMON enters an empty shop, the other two not far behind.
The shop, fortunately, has clothes in it. The group is quick to take three outfits off of the farthest stands and they change.
CARMON wears a red gown with a white blouse, an embroidered red jacket to match. She had taken off her mask, stuffing it into a bag. To hide her scars, she uses a white scarf, wrapping the bottom part of her face and her black hair.
KHAILEN wears a blue gown with a white blouse. She does not claim a jacket, but she wraps her brown curls in a poor attempt to maintain them. She uses an extra scarf to wrap around her waist for style.
DAKOTA selected a plain brown tunic with basic mens shoes and green pants. He has selected a green robe to match.
When the group leaves the shop, they are stared at less but they fit in just a little better. They freely walk the streets now.
KHAILEN:
(She's glancing around, arms wrapped around herself)
Try not to talk much, our accents will stick out.
CARMON:
(She rolls her eyes)
We don't even speak their language.
KHAILEN:
Don't argue with me, Black. I will put you on house arrest when we get back.
DAKOTA:
(He puts his hands on their shoulders)
How about we figure out how to get home first, then we worry about who's going on house arrest.
Both the girls scoff and ignore him. They continue to walk through the streets which are filled with people. It's crowded.
The group tries hard to stick close together despite constantly bumping into civilians. They are lost.
KHAILEN:
(Visibly stressed)
Where are we even supposed to go?
DAKOTA:
Let's calm down. It's not that bad—
KHAILEN:
(She turns to face him, a desperate look in her eyes)
Not that bad? Not that bad?! Dakota, we are lost and we don't know how to get home! But it's not that bad?!
DAKOTA:
(He crosses his arms)
We'll be okay.
CARMON:
(She scowls)
We don't even know what these terms we are supposed to be following.
DAKOTA:
(He's trying to smile, trying to make things easier)
That's okay, we can figure it out.
KHAILEN:
(She hides her face in her hands)
We don't have time!
DAKOTA finally stops talking. He looks away as the group stands there in silence, only the sounds of people chattering around them can be heard.
The group was unaware of where they stood. They are not from this dimension, so they did not know the history. However, they were standing on the corner of the center street in the city. It was nearly 11am . . .
Two shots from a gun rang out, loud and echoing. The street went silent, then into a panic. CARMON was the first to move, her military training kicking in. She ran straight for the sound of the gunfire.
KHAILEN and DAKOTA weren't too far behind, however, they were too late. CARMON halted quickly just as a carriage sped past them. She got a glimpse inside, just close enough to catch the sight of two bleeding people. CARMON froze in shock just as the others caught up.
In that moment, there was a sharp ringing sound. The group suddenly began to fall, a room of black enveloping them. They landed harshly in a trench. KHAILEN was the first to move, standing up and spotting DAKOTA not too far from her in a military uniform. She looks down, noticing her own outfit has changed, however, she notices that CARMON is missing.
The screen flips quickly to CARMON, standing alone in a German trench, a gun in her hands and a military uniform on. There is a look of confusion on her face and she's breathing heavily as she stares at the other soldiers wearing a uniform similar to hers. She has recognized that she is alone.
The camera pans out to show the battle, a messy field with bodies spread around. They have entered the First Battle of the Marne. The camera then points up towards the sky and fades to black.
**End SCENE 2**
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the disturbing S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Omg this play is about The Delta Unit?! I had no idea! Anyway, The Delta Unit (Carmon, Dakota, and Khailen) get teleported to 1914, with no idea on what they have to do or why they’re there, but they proceed nonetheless!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may!
Chocolate Bar - I like how Carmon is all defensive about her scars. It’d make sense that she would react that way, considering she doesn’t want a vulnerable part of herself exposed. The way that Khailen and Carmon bully Dakota is so funny omg, dude doesn’t get a break lol. I also like how they try to stay together despite it all, they’re trying to survive!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very lovely first two scenes. I hope that Carmon will find her way back to Dakota and Khailen, but I think that she might change a little throughout this war. Whatever their quest is, I am sure that they will make it through alright enough…and with that being said, I wish you…
A fabulous day/night! ^v^
Thank you for the review!
I love writing about this trio since they just line up so well. Dakota is definitely the comedian, but we love him regardless. Thank you for the review, again! <3
Yw!!! ^v^
Well then, it’s probably too late for any feedback to be relevant for school but this is in the Green Room so have my thoughts anyway ^^
I also have no real clue on how screen plays work. Why have you placed three narrator sections like this like titled with Narrator? Instead of making it one long section?
Hmm I wonder what that chemical is. I feel like your narrator should talk what made it so special that all these countries are so interested in it?
The line “your sniper” makes me somehow believe that Carmon has a tiny extra person with him that he deploys to do the sniping for him xd
Okay, the moment the enemy discovers them, it gets confusing. Why is Dakota the one to see that they were spotted? Shouldn’t the sniper be the one to know this first?
Also, Carmon isn’t with the group, so … she shouldn’t have been spotted? As a sniper, isn’t properly disguising himself part of his skillset? Or are they all snipers? Okay, you confused me successfully xd
Oh yeah that is a surprisingly casual reaction to being accidental time travellers…
I find it incredibly irritating how the characters use the word “ladies” like that :/
Hm how did they pay for the clothes?
I really like that they arrived at such a historical moment!
I love all your questions %uD83D%uDE02
The beginning is set for gaps. Scenes are switching, so the narrator has a new line. Think of a Screen Play as a movie. This is the script.
Carmon is a female, and if you read carefully, (not just the dialogue), she does see the enemy. She tries to line up a shot before the enemy notifies the others, but Dakota ruins it. Because Dakota called out to her, it gave up her position. She had to move anyways because of him.
The Delta Unit is trained to go with the flow. Minor panic is allowed, but these are special force operatives. Dakota does question the system, but the two girls brush him off.
You wouldn't really know unless you read more into my short stories/novel, but The Delta Unit is made of a bunch of women, the exception being Dakota. Ladies is a neutral term that Dakota just learned to accept.
And the historical moments are intentional! It was a part of the assignment! Three characters have to go through 10 events down a timeline the U.S.'s side of WW1. There are other parts, I just don't have them posted yet.
Im sorry for the confusion, I thought I was rather direct when writing this. I'll take your criticism and try to be more direct next time.
Ah okay! The fact that Dakota is the reason she can't shoot, that kinda doesn't come across. Also that the enemy would spot Cameron bc of what Dakota says... I don't how that worked. Why did he speak up so loudly in the first place?
I'm just saying that the entire scene is very confusingly laid out :3
Thanks for the explanation on the narrator sections in the beginning! That does make sense. Would be interesting to see what type of scenes are shown over the narration :3
Hm maybe I'm just burnt by Metroid: Other M on the term lady xd
The entire thing sounds super interesting, maybe I do check out your other stories (the list of things to read after the Green Room is empty, gets longer and longer...)
I apologize, but I truly don't understand what you mean on it being laid out confusingly. I've reread the play twice now, and it flows just fine to me.
I'm glad I could help a little though!
This was really really cool, you should be forced to write more this was brilliant.
I love the concept, and it was produced really well. The world building required for this is a lot and you've done a really good job of it. 'The future of the world was never a clean one.' immediatly making their world really alike to ours but still showing that it's seperate by stating something so universal and important to acknowledge for the future as past tense was so good.
I loved the use of short sentences when describing the scene it works really well. 'It wasn't pleasant.' I love when the narrator shows opinions on the situation. 'There is nothing for it to filter.' goes so hard.
I loved the slow reveal that it's the start of WW1 in the second scene, the story grabs the hold of the reader's attention and puts it on a rollercoaster.
The characters are really entertaining and well made. Their characterisation is really well done. The small comment on Carmon's accent turning into something so intense was brilliant. (I forgot to make it a review and didn't get the points so i'm copy and pasting it and commenting it again soz)
All good!
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
I started making these characters about 2 years ago, but only really started to apply them in literature last year. You'll see similar names if you go to read my short stories and novel.
Carmon definitely took the most time to create, and I never thought about implementing her character into something like this before. I definitely enjoy making the screenplay with Dakota and her, since even in the short stories they bicker. Khailen has always been the defuse.
This is my first time writing a screenplay, and I guess it's a little more difficult for me since this is a literal assignment. I don't have free reign here. If I did, it would be a lot funner.
Thank you for reviewing though! I appreciate you reading!
~Taost
This was really really cool, you should be forced to write more this was brilliant.
I love the concept, and it was produced really well. The world building required for this is a lot and you've done a really good job of it. 'The future of the world was never a clean one.' immediatly making their world really alike to ours but still showing that it's seperate by stating something so universal and important to acknowledge for the future as past tense was so good.
I loved the use of short sentences when describing the scene it works really well. 'It wasn't pleasant.' I love when the narrator shows opinions on the situation. 'There is nothing for it to filter.' goes so hard.
I loved the slow reveal that it's the start of WW1 in the second scene, the story grabs the hold of the reader's attention and puts it on a rollercoaster.
The characters are really entertaining and well made. Their characterisation is really well done. The small comment on Carmon's accent turning into something so intense was brilliant.