This was very rushed, I didn't have a lot of time to work on it. I apologize if from here to scene 18, if it gets confusing. If you have questions, please ask and I will try my best to explain my reasonings!!
SCENE 11
The screen fades out of black and shows a battlefield, still steaming and dead. There is no grass. There is no sign of life. Just emptiness.
NARRATOR:
Although our trio may seem to think they are safe, they are not. For the world they had seen was only the start.
NARRATOR:
Humans bicker and humans fight, but the world they just left is far from peace. Only roughly two decades after our group had witnessed a war, another one soon started, presenting another exhausting trip for KHAILEN, CARMON, and DAKOTA.
NARRATOR:
Will our trio make it through again? Or will time take its toll? Only history can tell.
The screen fades out again to show an aerial view of the trio's base. Minor arguing can be heard. As the camera gets closer, it zooms in through an open window, and circles around the group, who now is accompanied by three others.
The three new people are a part of the trio, as they are a military group of elite special operators. One has red hair and glasses. She's small, freckles dancing across her cheeks. Her hair is tied back by a black ribbon.
Another has dark skin, as dark as the night sky and even darker eyes. She's taller, her hair cut into a neat buzz cut. She seems silent but cozy in her white cardigan.
The last is a few shades darker than Dakota, but still lighter than the previous mentioned. Her hair is tied up in a messy ponytail, and it's a dark shade of brown. She's lean and seemingly covered in scars and a mix of dark freckles as well. She has a mischievous smirk plastered across her face.
The camera pans out again, but only briefly. It settles on the open side of the table that's between them all to show a game of . . . Monopoly?
DAKOTA:
Did you just steal my— YOU STOLE MY HOTEL!
KHAILEN:
(Groaning)
Ramirez, it's a part of the game, don't yell—
DAKOTA turns to CARMON and points to one of the women.
DAKOTA:
She STOLE my HOTEL, Black!
CARMON:
(Raising her hands in defeat)
I warned you and you still wanted to play. This is your own fault.
The one who "stole" DAKOTA's hotel speaks, her expression is one of cruel pleasure.
PERSON:
You shouldn't have left it open. Maybe if you better took care of your properties, we wouldn't have to have this argument.
DAKOTA:
Dasee, that is NOT fair!
DAKOTA shouts, pointing an accusing finger at the woman now named DASEE.
A brief moment of arguing breaks out amongst them, with KHAILEN rubbing her temples in annoyance and CARMON chuckling at the scene. However, in a moment of anger, DAKOTA slams his hands down on the table, scattering the pieces of the game.
The center of the board breaks and the table opens up into a swirling haze of white with a loud whirling sound. DAKOTA flinches back.
DAKOTA:
Okay, now that's just . . . I didn't . . .
CARMON:
Good job. You broke it.
The one with red hair speaks.
PERSON:
I don't think it was intentional—
CARMON:
Raylene, no one asked you.
KHAILEN:
(Pushing CARMON's arm)
Be nice!
CARMON rolls her eyes. DAKOTA begins to poke the newly developed hole in the table and in a fluid motion, the white engulfs his arm and yanks him in. The group jumped back, surprised.
The white haze snakes out, yanking KHAILEN next, followed by CARMON after. Then, it seals itself up, closing and repairing the table, leaving the Monopoly board and its pieces scattered across the room.
DASEE is the first to recover herself.
DASEE:
(Pouting)
My hotel . . .
RAYLENE:
They're just . . .
The last person who hadn't spoken yet finally speaks.
PERSON:
Gone. They're gone.
DASEE:
(Shrugging)
Oh well— OW!
DASEE had stood, accidentally bumping her foot into the edge of the table.
RAYLENE:
(Pointing at DASEE)
KARMA!
DASEE:
Hey! Hope!
HOPE, the name of the last person, shrugs. She stands, heading for the exit.
HOPE:
We all need to stop fighting. This happened 2 weeks ago, remember? We have to find a way to bring them back.
RAYLENE:
(Lifting her tablet, she opens it to the main screen, it's light illuminating her face)
Last time, they made it back alone, didn't they? We thought they had gone M.I.A. Not . . . This.
HOPE:
Khailen had her radio on her when she left. It was on her belt. I saw it.
DASEE:
You pay too much attention.
HOPE raises a brow, crossing her arms.
HOPE:
You should too. One day, it'll save your life.
A loud beep comes from RAYLENE's tablet. DASEE and HOPE look over at her. RAYLENE pushes her glasses up.
RAYLENE:
I have a signal! They're in . . . wait . . . they aren't in anywhere.
(She looks up, her eyes bouncing between them)
They're near the capital of Hawaii.
HOPE:
(Her expression shows confusion)
How?
RAYLENE:
I . . . I don't know, but we have to get them back.
DASEE:
(Smirking and cracking her knuckles)
Then let's go get them back.
The screen pans out, showing the three walking out of the room. It then zooms in to the center of the table, turning the screen white.
The camera spins for a moment, showing scene after scene of different events, each going past faster and faster before flying straight into a scene, going down to show a view from the top of the heads of the trio, showing them on a U.S. Naval base. They are standing with their backs to each other in a triangle, the camera spinning around them before going to the center and fading to black.
**End SCENE 11**
SCENE 12
The screen flicks to circle the group, showing their expressions. CARMON looks exhausted, DAKOTA looks surprised, and KHAILEN looks annoyed.
A few soldiers are wandering around, ignoring the group. It's as if they can't be seen.
The base is of a simple design, however, it is more modern than the one they had encountered during their last trip to this world. The sea is just a few shades darker, and land is within view.
A little ways away, there is a makeshift hangar with a few small planes inside. Soldiers linger around, working on the planes and communicating with one another. It's peaceful. The sun is shining, the air quiet, only the wind speaks of potential rain that might come during the night.
The familiar blue screen flickers up in front of them, flashing with white bold letters. It reads;
Welcome back! It's been 2 weeks since your last transfer.
While you were away, 2 decades passed.
Currently, you are aboard a Naval ship off Pearl Harbor.
It is December 7th, 1941.
Quest: Pay Attention.
Terms: Unlisted.
The group watched as the screen then flickered away again. KHAILEN sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.
KHAILEN:
Of course. We're doing this again.
CARMON:
I thought this was over? It's still going?
KHAILEN:
The world doesn't stop moving just because we weren't present, Lieutenant. It's going to keep spinning. While we were home, this place kept going. And they just CAN'T get along!
KHAILEN had raised her voice at the last sentence, clearly frustrated that they are here for a second time.
DAKOTA shifts, looking around. He looks up at the sky. At home, DAKOTA is a fighter jet pilot. He knows the sound of an engine . . .
He's the first to spot a plane zoning in on them.
DAKOTA:
Hey, GUYS! We gotta go!
CARMON:
(Glancing over at him)
Why? What's—
DAKOTA grabs her wrist, yanking her forward.
DAKOTA:
Let's go! We're under attack!
KHAILEN and CARMON eye him with confusion. They don't see what he sees.
The camera spins, showing the plane diving down as it opens a hatch underneath its body, a cylindrical object beginning to lower.
KHAILEN looks over her shoulder and sees it as it's about to drop.
She turns fully now, grabbing their shoulders and pulling them along.
KHAILEN:
GO! He's not lying!
KHAILEN leads them all around to the other side of the ship's deck, away from where the bomb was being dropped. It did little to protect them from the blast.
The ship dipped to one side, causing them to slip. CARMON hit the solid wall near the interior entrance doorway. DAKOTA lands on top of her, followed by KHAILEN landing at their feet.
KHAILEN:
(Groaning in pain)
Crap . . .
DAKOTA:
(Pushing himself off of the wall to give CARMON room)
Sorry — sorry, are you hurt?
CARMON doesn't respond right away. She's too busy trying to catch her breath.
The camera shifts, pointing towards where the bomb had been dropped. Black smoke is billowing into the sky, the deck of the ship is trembling. They're sinking quickly.
KHAILEN pushes herself up and she looks around, trying to get a glimpse of what's happening.
The camera pans out to reveal several different planes of dropped bombs on a few other ships nearby, as well as the harbor that was just in view. The air is filled with black, particles flying, the ocean water filled with debris.
CARMON's gas mask is now clicking and whirring, filtering the toxins in the air. DAKOTA is holding her upright as they slowly begin to tilt more. KHAILEN coughs.
KHAILEN:
We aren't safe here.
DAKOTA:
(Glancing over his shoulder at her)
You think?
CARMON groaned, her eyes closing as she spoke up.
CARMON:
Japan. Those planes have a Japanese flag on them . . .
The screen clicked and flickered in front of them once more, bold words dancing across its surface.
During this time, Japan destroyed or damaged 20 American Navy ships, 8 of them being battle ships. Among these numbers, over 300 airplanes were destroyed as well.
2,400 Americans lost their lives on this day, with another 1,000 being injured, as you, too, would have been.
After the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Japan declared war the following day on America.
Before the trio can say anything more, a white hole opens in the ground, pulling them in.
They fall in the haze of white, oblivious to what will happen next.
**End SCENE 12**
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The Delta Unit was playing a game of Monopoly, but then, Dakota gets mad that Dasee takes a hotel from him, so he smashes the table and opens a portal that sends him, Carmon, and Khailen to the time of the Pearl Harbor explosion. Raylene, Hope, and Dasee are going to try to find them…I’m not sure they’ll have much luck, though.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love that Dakota’s crash out over a game of monopoly is what caused them to travel back in time, lol. I also liked seeing more of The Delta Unit, especially Raylene…is Raylene supposed to be Carmon’s girlfriend? I don’t know what time this takes place in, but I like seeing her, even if she betrays Carmon later. :< And I liked seeing Dakota protect Khailen and Carmon, he loves them both!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely chapter on how even though the world doesn’t get along, at least the Delta Unit does. I wonder how the others will react to all this when they meet up with the other three and if they’ll all be able to find out what is making them teleport, but I guess I shall find out in other chapters!
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Haha! Thank you for the review! Dakota is definitely something, isnt he? Definitely a headache for Khailen.

Yes, eventually down the story line, Raylene actually becomes Carmon's wife.. Until the betrayal.
I don't explicitly mention it, I think I briefly covered it during the first scene but never actually elaborated. This is taking place when the group first came together and was founded. So this monopoly game was a bonding session for them.
However, since this is not a canon related screen play, I didn't really mention it, nor their relationships too much.
Oh, okay!
Ach Tao. You don’t understand. I don’t want you to explain things in post, I want your screenplay to give the explanations xd
Nobody forces you to publish the scenes quickly, here, you can take your time and revise them. So I don’t accept the “sorry this is rushed” excuse. Either you stand behind your writing and share it bc you love it or you admit you don’t quite know how to do this and want feedback. This “I didn’t have time” is neither :/ It also makes it difficult to give feedback bc, is this and that wrong bc you genuinely don’t know or bc you didn’t feel like fixing it because publishing quickly was more important?
This is the second part, right? So the assignment was for the first part which you already handed in, so there was no need to rush this out, iirc, bc you still have time for part 2?
Anyway, let’s read this.
Ok, let’s dissect this sentence:
First of all, three new ppl cant be part of a trio since then it wouldn’t be a trio anymore. Second of all, the entire phrasing is awkward. Why not just write, “just like the trio they are in uniform, marking them as part of the same military group” etc ? Or if they are not wearing uniform, then some other marker that they are special operators, otherwise how do we know this is part of the ..trio?
If this is a screenplay, why do we not get their names? Who would be spoiled here? The phrase: “than the previous mentioned.“ Is just… also very awkward. ☹
If we had their names we would also know which of the three new gals stole Dakota’s hotel. That doesn’t rly come across in narration. I assume it’s the one with the mischievous smirk?
Hoo boy, does not exactly speak for Dakota that he can become enraged over nothing so quickly, he breaks a table. Or rather, that he’s so angry he’s risking the game state (the pieces scatter!)
Interesting that the last time they vanished, they weren’t dropped right back to where they started, in the time lime. So they’ve been missing for a bit, in the present.
“You pay too much attention.” That is such an odd thing to say for a special forces operator…
Hawaii? Pearl Harbour time?
I find scene 11 was v weirdly structured. Why didn’t you give the new women’s names first thing? Keeping them secret didn’t serve any purpose except for making the narration harder to parse. I also want to know more why they are all so nonchalant abt their agents disappearing all the time. Feels like there’s another story hiding in there xd
Oh we got Terms in the missive this time!
I think having the jet appear might be v difficult to pull of in the screenplay hmm
This is also a very concerning thing to hear abt your co-worker when you are on a dangerous mission: “He's not lying!” So he regularly lies on missions, so much so, that it needs to be pointed out when it’s not the case.
There’s something wrong with the grammar here: “ several different planes of dropped bombs” are the planes made out of dropped bombs? Or are there different ….planes of existence with bombs?
Also where does Carmon take the gas mask? That’s the first time you mention them. Weren’t they playing monopoly just now? Why do they have gas masks with them?
I don’t understand this part: “as you, too, would have been.” Bc… “if I had been there” I would have been injured or killed? Doesn’t this depend on how many ppl were station there? I rly don’t know what you want to say here.
Again I feel like our trio doesn’t really… do much in this scene. I liked it more when they had objectives that weren’t just “witness this”. Or if they had at least meaningful commentary on what is happening. But they didn’t. There was barely any reaction. Not very interesting :/ Not even Fred ☹
I thank you for your review, and I'm sorry to disappoint.
The issue was, with my teachers feedback, he did not enjoy my action. He thought it was rather . . . harsh, and he wanted me to change it, hence what happened.
Carmon always wear's a gas mask, I guess I should have mentioned that.
What I mean by rushed, is, my partner (in charge of research) did NOT research well, so I ended up writing this super late into the night with her pressuring me saying, "You better not make me fail like last time." (We didn't fail last time.)
I didn't have good information, I didn't know where to go, didn't know where to start. I will take your critism to heart and try my best to fix this once it is graded and I have the screenplay back.
I really do appreciate your opinion, and I do feel a little disappointed that this did not make you feel as involved as the others, I am sorry.
~Taost
I forgot to mention, Hope isn't typically involved in missions. She's a Medic. She spends most of her time elsewhere, so to hear her speak so logically is new to the newest Trio, since they don't hear her speak often. In my short stories, she's depicted as shy and quiet.
I am sorry, again, for not writing this well enough.