SCENE 3
The air appeared dead, everything dull and loud. KHAILEN is looking around, trying to find CARMON with no success. DAKOTA is also looking around, but not for CARMON. He's observing his surroundings.
DAKOTA: Hey, Khailen. I don't think we're in Sarajevo anymore.
KHAILEN finally looks towards him, her expression one of confusion.
KHAILEN: I'm sorry, what?
DAKOTA: Look around. We aren't in Sarajevo. Does this look like Sarajevo to you?
KHAILEN: Lose the attitude, Sargeant. We don't have time for it.
DAKOTA rolls his eyes, now ignoring KHAILEN as he peeks his head over the trench. A bullet whizzes past him and he quickly ducks down.
DAKOTA: (His hands fly to the top of his head and he drops into a crouch. He yelps) YIKES!
KHAILEN turns towards him, a scowl on her face.
KHAILEN: Preferably stay alive. I wouldn't like to enact what I said previously.
DAKOTA: (Murmuring) Sorry.
KHAILEN groans in annoyance. There's a sharp ping as a blue screen appears again. It reads . . .
Congratulations! You have completed the first Quest and followed the Terms! Please continue to complete your next Quest! The year is 1914. It is September 11th.
KHAILEN stares at it for a moment before crossing her arms
KHAILEN: And what is this Quest? Are we allowed to know?
The screen clears its text before remaining blank. Then, as if urgently, it flashes a series of words.
QUEST: You must find your missing soldier while also staying alive and helping your side of the battle. TERMS: Don't die, Don't get caught, Don't destroy the timeline
KHAILEN and DAKOTA stare at the screen for a long moment, pondering on what the screen said. DAKOTA is the first to turn away.
DAKOTA: Welp. Let's go get Carm.
KHAILEN: (Grabbing his arm) Hold on just a minute. The thing said we can't die and we can't get caught.
DAKOTA: (Looking over his shoulder) Reminder that the term 'don't get caught' can vary in meaning.
DAKOTA: (**CONT'D) It can mean 'don't get caught' in the fact that we don't belong in this world, or 'don't get caught' in the term of we shouldn't run out carelessly in the middle of a battlefield.
KHAILEN releases his arm, placing her hand on her hip instead.
KHAILEN: Who hit you?
DAKOTA: (With confusion) I'm sorry?
KHAILEN: I've never heard you speak common sense before.
DAKOTA rolls his eyes as KHAILEN chuckles at her poor joke. Together, the two start to walk around, searching for both weapons and a way to find CARMON.
The screen then flashes to CARMON
CARMON stands alone in confusion, several soldiers pushing past her quickly. The soldiers are shouting in her native language (German). She picks up on various orders and curse words.
She turns, stopping a soldier and forcing them to face her. She speaks.
** With subtitles translating to English **
CARMON: (In German) You. What is going on?
THE SOLDIER: (Also in German) The French and the British are pushing us back. The Commander has ordered us to retreat.
CARMON releases the soldier and watches him run back through the trench. She turns to start to make her way forward, pushing against the groups that shove her back. As she moves, she grabs a weapon for protection. A simple Gewehr 98.
As she moves, she keeps watch for what's going on around. Eventually, she comes to a clearing and she stops. The same screen pops up, showing her the same things that KHAILEN and DAKOTA saw. She huffs.
CARMON: (Mumbling) Way to make my life harder.
She finds the end of the trench and she pokes her head up over the edge. No one seems to notice her. She keeps her head up, looking around. She fails to spot her teammates, so she drops back down.
Several soldiers around her are falling, dropping dead. Grenades were being thrown, flamethrowers on her side were being used. It was ugly.
CARMON was unfamiliar with everything going on, and she barely looked the part of fitting in. She's only lucky that the others were distracted by the battle.
** The screen zooms out, panning out around her before fading to black **
** The camera refocuses on DAKOTA and KHAILEN **
KHAILEN and DAKOTA are in the Allied forces trenches. KHAILEN shows disgust when they come across a small pile of bodies, rats crawling all over them. DAKOTA, however, shows amusement.
DAKOTA: (Raising his hands to his face) Awww! They're so cute!
KHAILEN: Don't touch the rats. Leave them alone.
KHAILEN keeps moving, pushing past the pile. DAKOTA does not follow.
DAKOTA: I wanna keep one.
KHAILEN: I told you to leave them alone, Sargent. Don't touch the-
KHAILEN turns around only to see DAKOTA holding one of the rats in his hand. The creature is squeaking and squealing, squirming to be free. DAKOTA does not let it go.
DAKOTA: (In awe) I'm gonna name him Fred.
KHAILEN: (In annoyance) You just never listen, do you.
DAKOTA: Aye, it's worth it.
KHAILEN: Carmon will have your head if you bring that near her.
DAKOTA: (Shrugging) Too bad for her.
KHAILEN groans, clearly annoyed, but she doesn't waste anymore time arguing with him. DAKOTA chuckles to himself, lifting to rat so it can sit on his shoulder, which it does.
The two make their way up and out of the trench. It's dangerous.
There are several craters in the Earth from grenades. The grass is scorched in several places from the Flamethrowers the Germans were using. Dead bodies laid bleeding on the ground, the field a mess. KHAILEN had never seen much like it, even with her gruesome memory of battles.
DAKOTA winced at the sight of everything, but he didn't speak or make a noise. They eventually joined a small group of French and British soldiers who were creeping across the field to one of the German trenches. KHAILEN overheard one say that their job was to sweep the enemy trench and kill as many as possible.
The group continues on, eventually sliding into one of the trenches. KHAILEN and DAKOTA force their way through, sneaking off and away from the group. Their uniforms gave them away, so they had to be careful. It wasn't long before they found CARMON.
KHAILEN: (Sighing with relief) God, that was hard.
DAKOTA: You're being dramatic.
CARMON hasn't noticed them yet, but when DAKOTA places his hand on her shoulder, she jumps and turns around, her rifle raised.
DAKOTA: (Hands raising in surrender) HEY! Woah! Easy!
CARMON: (Slowly lowering her weapon) Dakota? Jeez, you scared me.
KHAILEN: No time for pleasantries, sorry Lieutenant. We gotta get out of here.
CARMON nods in agreement. However, when they grab hold of each other, nothing happens. They look at each other with confusion.
DAKOTA: Why isn't it working?
KHAILEN: I'm not sure. We helped our side by sneaking in with the Trench Sweepers.
CARMON: (In sudden realization) Oh, well. Sorry. Lemme just-
CARMON turns, facing the warfare. She raises her rifle and fires a shot. Even though it misses its target, it's still qualified as 'helping'. In a flash, the trio is dropped and transported again.
**End SCENE 3**
SCENE 4
The flash was bright, the group falling briefly before landing roughly on hard ground. No grass, no field. KHAILEN sits up, instantly examining her surroundings. CARMON and DAKOTA sit up next.
CARMON: (Rubbing her shoulder) I wish we would stop falling like that. It's painful.
KHAILEN: (Waving her hand to hush CARMON) We'll fix that later. We need to figure out where we are.
DAKOTA looks around for a moment before pouting.
DAKOTA: I lost Fred.
CARMON looks over at him, pure confusion plastered on her face.
CARMON: I'm sorry, who?
DAKOTA: Fred.
KHAILEN: A nasty rat from one of the trenches.
CARMON: A what?!
DAKOTA: He wasn't nasty!
KHAILEN: Well, he didn't smell like roses either.
The two bicker for a moment. CARMON stands up then, brushing herself off. She looks around.
Upon looking up, she can see clearly four black tubes that are expelling black smoke from them into the sky. She notices several soldiers in blue, red and white wandering around either sweeping, or doing some other chore.
She notices that they are swaying slightly. She looks over to see nothing but ocean water.
CARMON: A ship.
Her words catch the other two's attention and they both look up at her.
DAKOTA: What?
CARMON: A ship. (She looks down at him) We're on a ship.
DAKOTA and KHAILEN look at her, their gazes filled with concern. They, too, also stand up and look around.
They see the same thing CARMON is seeing.
KHAILEN: My god . . .
DAKOTA: I feel like we should be more concerned with why this is going on.
KHAILEN sighs, running a hand through her curly hair. DAKOTA rubs the back of his neck, his other hand resting on his hip.
CARMON: We can figure that out later. We just . . . need to survive.
DAKOTA nods in agreement and he turns away. If they could make it out of these scenarios alive, then they would have the time later to research what is going on.
KHAILEN makes her way forward, her boots thumping against the wooden deck. She walks over to a soldier, her hand falling to his shoulder.
KHAILEN: You. What's the name of this ship?
THE SOLIDER: The RMS Lusitania, ma'am.
KHAILEN nodded, then waved the soldier off. They knew nothing of what was going to happen . . .
Upon looking around more and pretending to help, the trio worked together to pick up on tad bits of information. They learned that this world is in the middle of a war. A world war. They learned they were on a British ship, off the coast of Ireland.
They had been working with the other soldiers, or sailors for instance, to clean and move cargo around. It had been roughly 3 hours. The sun was high in the sky, only the black smoke swirling around and rising up.
The air smelt of the salty sea, the ship swaying gently with the waves. When the group moved to a more secluded part of the ship, the familiar blue screen popped up in front of them.
The year is 1915. It is May 7th. Complete the Quest to continue.
KHAILEN: (Groaning in annoyance) What. Is. The. QUEST!
The screen shifts and glitches before flashing a response.
Quest: Survive.
The trio glance at each other, then back to the screen. Before they can do much of anything, the floor of the ship shakes and creaks. Suddenly, the Lusitania is shoved to its' side, tilting at such an angle that the trio slam into the railing next to them.
The ship eventually creaks and groans, leveling itself out as it trembles beneath their feet.
CARMON: What was that?!
KHAILEN: I don't know, but I have a feeling we'll be finding out soon enough.
Several sailors push past them, shoving them aside as they run. They were going to the other side of the ship. To the Starboard.
The group joins in the rush, following the others to where they needed to be. Shouts could be heard, smoke billowing up past the edges of the pipes . . . but it's not just coming from the pipes anymore.
Panic is raised, several people screaming. DAKOTA rushed over to another soldier and grabbed their arm.
DAKOTA: What's happening?!
THE SOLDIER: The Germans are attacking! We're sinking!
The soldier ran off as DAKOTA released his grip on them. DAKOTA then looked at KHAILEN. They had to find a way to survive. CARMON was the first to find something.
CARMON: Here! Safety raft!
The others quickly nodded and the trio as well as a few other sailors climbed into the raft and made it onto the sea.
Just as they started to float away, a second German torpedoed into the RMS Lusitania again. It started to sink faster.
In another quick flash, the trio was gone and falling through air again, on to the next Quest.
**End SCENE 4**
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the spooky S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Khailen and Dakota reunite with Carmon, then the three of them get teleported to the sinking of the Lusitania! But luckily, they find a raft and are able to survive!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how Dakota wanted to keep a pet rat, it’s cute how much he loves Fred, but I understand Khailen and Carmon’s reactions, too. I also like how they all just want to find out what in the world is going on, since they keep getting teleported to different historical events. It’s all gotta be crazy lol. I like seeing their quick thinking, it’s important to have a level head!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fabulous set of two chapters showing their confused teamwork as they try to make sense of it all. I’ll be sure to check out the other chapters to see what other historical events they’ll be teleported to and in the meantime…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Thank you, thank you!
Despite initial panic, staying level headed and logical is the whole way of the Delta Unit! It's what makes them elite soldiers! They don't worry about the problem, they just fix it. No outer thoughts needed! Overthinking is what gets them killed.
It's specified more in the book i'm making, lol.
Thanks for the review! It gets sloppy from here on out.... <3
I%u2019m here for the chaos and The Delta Unit!
Well, cant wait to hear your reviews after scene 5, because its not the characters that gets sloppy, its the writing. Scene 5 is where everything gets rushed. Then it just gets kinda muddy because the prompts change and the system starts to fall.
Okay, Let me cook
This is a good story for real, like I can sense the imagery and the straightforward vibes here. Dakota is such an explorer who loves to discover things, as much as the "dead rats" she kept one of course. The trio is a strong group that is worthy into completing the quest, I didn't see the rest of the chapters of 1-2 or the rest but I did see this one since it's my first time here. But I read it, and I'll say that its a good scene, and Ima ask this:0
What's your inspiration behind this?
Because its giving mystery, war, and fantasy vibes and I think that your doing a good job, and I know that you will get better at it, cross my words: )
Haha, thank you for reading. Feel free to read the other parts too if you so wish! You can find them in order under the "Related Items" tab under my profile.
I'm going to be so honest with you, there was no inspiration for the screen play itself. It was an assignment giving to my class by the teacher. All of us had to do it. My partner did the research, I did the writing. But the CHARACTERS . . . Hahaaaaa
The characters I designed over the course of 3 years. It started with Carmon and ended with a character you won't see until after the intermission named Dasee. The Delta Unit was inspired off of Call of Duty, I kid you not, and you'll probably find a lot of similarities between the two.
Except, The Delta Unit doesn't exactly follow the same plot as Call of Duty. I have TONS of short stories you can read and it will show you. I also have a novel-in-the-works for the Unit. To view these, you can click my profile and then click Portfolio.
But other than that, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Can't wait to see you around the site more! <3
~Taost
P.S. feel free to PM me if you have questions!
Good job:D
There we go, as promised.
Let’s see what the Deltas can achieve in the past =D
Also, still wondering how they paid for all that, I think you didn’t answer that xd
I keep liking these mission objectives, especially that one: “Don't destroy the timeline” XD
Lol
Might not be the right time but I appreciate the levity =D
WW1 was such a shitshow with absolutely no one in the right… Ah well :/ But hey, Germans! I immediately tried to figure out what they would have said in German to warrant that translation bc .. well it’s fun!
Ok maybe it’s just me but I thought it would “Sergeant”? “I told you to leave them alone, Sargent. “ But no, spellchecker doesn’t have a problem with it. Huh. Wieder was gelernt (again what learnt xd – Here some “Denglish” for you (German English)) And yes, I prewrite the reviews in word for fear of embarrassing spelling errors ^^° (It still is no guarantee to catch them. So many reviews I reread later on and find errors and… idk why I’m telling you all this here. Back to the review, dang it)
Wild rats are no joke, I agree with Khailen here, they are vicious creatures! I say that as someone who used to second-hand own pet rats!
And I can tell you, even THOSE were vicious creatures. I have scars on my hand because the rat entered my personal space and then was surprised by me having the audacity to move my hand ò.ó
And oh yeah, the trench wars. What a horrible thing ☹
Hmmm maybe it’s my reading comprehension lacking once again but how did they manage to find Carmon so easily?
Oh nice! I like that Carmon doesn’t actively shoot anyone to complete the Quest!
And I am so so glad that they didn’t bring the rat xd
I am so intrigued by this blue screen appearing and bouncing them around WW1 locations and important events
The apostrophe is not necessary here: “the Lusitania is shoved to its' side”
Tsk always the evil, evil Germans xd
Well at least they managed their quest.
I didn’t know abt this incident in WW1 but I guess the sinking of the Lusitania was an important part?
There we go. I heard you’re abt to post the other scenes? XD I will check the next one out tmr! :3
I diddd! Scene's 5 and 6 are up.
Don't think she's enjoying this too much lol.
I love your commentary on these lol, so fun!
You're right, I didn't answer your question. The store was empty, so they just took the clothes and left (such thieves), but it's fiiiiiiiine.
It's rather traumatizing because Carmon, herself, is a German.
You're right again, both times. My grammar sucks, I wrote that bit really late at night, haha.
Dakota really misses Fred TwT