I am currently in Creative Writing in school while everyone around me is writing...
You sit in a page
glossy, curled, and improperly lit,
light shining glare across the green.
You sit in the garden
poised as royalty
in a world that you are just
getting to know.
Large eared and doe eyed
among the giants,
you look off
allowing orange
to tickle your hair
white to dot the stage
red to tower and
stare you down.
The green is your world because
that is all you see.
The world is sweet because
that is what you know.
You are the queen of lilies
gathered with your subjects.
Vibrant and happy
You forget you're sitting in dirt.
The prompt is to write a poem based off of a photograph (not here), and I chose one of myself from when I was little.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,795 Reviews
(I hate intros)
I don't think you should've told us readers that this poem was based off of a photograph. Not in the beginning, at least. I liked being able to ponder what exactly the words meant. It kind of felt like a spoiler, because when something happens in a TV show and your mind goes into all these different directions, thinking what could happen and who is going to do what. This poem is the same. I didn't have the mental freedom to think what i wanted about the poem. Well actually i did the first time I read it but that's irrelevant...
I love the descriptive words. A word that stood out was "vibrant" because I always forget that word exists until someone says it and it always surprises me.
"You sit in a page
glossy, curled, and improperly lit,
light shining glare across the green.
You sit in the garden
poised as royalty
in a world that you are just
getting to know."
I also like here, how you write two completely different settings of where "you" are. It makes the reader think about how its possible to be in two different settings. And by reader I mean me, BECAUSE ANYONE ELSE COULD HAVE JUST READ THE INTRODUCTION. THIS IS ME YELLING AT YOU TO CHANGE IT.
Again, the words in this poem are very VERY well chosen. But one word I personally think would go nicely with the selection would be, Luscious. When I read this poem, the word just sticks to the roof of my mouth in a way. I can't really describe it..
"The world is sweet because
that is what you know."
This sentence. Just. This. It's very woah.
It's so wonderfully passive aggressive. It's about you as a little kid, and it perfectly explains how everything has changed. Although partially hidden, it brings a very dark quality to such a vibrant poem. See what I did there XD
I thought about whether you should include the picture or not. I think you should, because its pretty much the greatest photograph ever, but YWS also has a anonymous quality to it so I could see why you wouldnt. Don't want the paparazzi to catch wind of your true identity.
Pull your skirt down. I can see your ankles. Tramp.
Hey. Gotta love the dress code, right, love? It's there to be broken. So sorry if you find bare ankles and collar bones provocative. I like that sentence, too. Listen to Worlds Apart while you read this and boom. You know, I honestly considered the word, but I think it wouldn't quite be fair (; I'll change that part now, but as much as I love to think otherwise, I doubt many more will read this poem here.
If it was just your collar bones, I'd be fine. If it was just your ankles, I'd be fine. If it was your collar bones, AND your ankles, I'm starting to get a little hot headed. You're pushing your luck. BUT IT'S NOT. It's your collar bones, ankles, and last but not least, you flaunt the bridge of your nose! You just let it hang out for the whole world to see. All I ask is that you show a shred of decency and cover yourself up before you leave the house. If you don't want to be called a slut, stop acting like one and put on a burqa.
Careful, dearie. You forget the world sees what you write, and that people actually wearing those... ANYWAYS. Not my issue if you get a little hot in the face.
Even though the photo isn't shown, you did such a great job painting the picture that I know exactly what it looks like!
I never thought of a picture as a small, isolated world but now I think I always will!
The brilliant thing about this is that it is so universal, we all have a picture like this in our own lives. We've all been that blissfully ignorant child.
This made me stop and smell the lilies. Thanks for sharing!
Jack here for a review, though I am not great at poetry, give me a chance I am slowly learning
Ok to start of I love your title, that was what made me click on this, so good job! It was like you were describing the lily as a ruler, which personally is really cool, because well lily's are fairly amazing and beautiful flowers!
I also like how you describe the lily, it is really well done, and I can feel myself being there looking at one. Which is really great! though maybe you could next time use more descriptive language to take your work to the next level.
I also really liked your ending, it was spot on, I don't know but it was really flat and I think it needed that. A lot of the time people try to end poems really well. And you did this wonderfully, so good job!
With a bit of more work with your descriptive language, I would be surprised if this wasn't in the literary spotlight! so overall this was really good and hope that you continue writing poetry, because you are very good. I always say as well that every poetry, personally has a chance to made a novel, so you should consider this, maybe making a queen of lily actually be a person, and you were using a metaphor or something.
That's just an idea but anyway great job!! Thumbs up!!
Jack
Love it. This is just an amazing poem written by an amazing poet/author (you). By the way, nice choice of topic. Very nice title. In fact, this poem is like a cartoon, as I envisioned it through my mind as I was reading through all of it. Perhaps, it was like Alice in Wonderland or something like that. Overall, it was great and fantastic. I have no criticism on this one. The words are sweet and oh my goodness, some of your vocabularies are in a college higher vocabulary words. So perfect. The theme and the imagery are all on spot. However, some punctuations can have a little bit of fixing. Overall, great work. Keep it up!
Thank you so much! I was actually thinking of Alice in Wonderland in the garden scene when writing this because that's what a friend told me I looked like in the photo. It's cool that others see it in the writing
You're very welcome.. Good thing your friend encouraged you to write this piece of poem.. It's fantastic! Keep it up!