They danced with
Lightly placed hands on
Shoulders and waist.
He slowed her down,
Allowing the music to move them.
Foreheads touching,
Hair mussing hair.
Knees knocked a little.
She was the sweetest
Sort of awkward.
She tripped over his feet,
And they laughed.
He stepped on her feet
And held her there.
Eyes locked.
The music fell away.
Her breath caught
A moment suspended
In time,
And he smiled because
He knew.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This is beautiful. I love the feeling this poem gives off to the reader. I do agree with the other comments. You do have to be cautious of your tenses but for the sake of this poem, switching up tenses was a nice technique and it worked. But switching tenses won't always work. Besides the tenses, you wrote this poem beautifully. Man I wish I had a guy like that...
I really love the simplicity of how you wrote this poem. You've successfully described a high-school dance with the one you care about. I'm pretty sure you have great grammar throughout this piece, but I do agree with LittleWerewolfOven. You did switch your tenses a couple of times and that can very easily throw off a reader. Other than that little bit it is an overall great poem.
Wow I really love this poem. You used great words to describe their actions.
The only thing I can critique is that you switched tenses for a couple of your words. Like "allowing," "touching," and "mussing."
But this was an awesome poem! I liked how you only described their actions and not the scene.