The boy looked at the evening sky and sighed. The fading summer had given him a lot to remember: the time he had spent on the yellow sands with his friends, passing around a glass amongst the group, gazing at majestic birds, making plans to fly to the other end of the world… Alas, those plans had never been executed. As the nineteen-year-old’s eyes closed, he looked at the sky one last time and thought of the lands he had never had the chance to visit, the lands he would never have the chance to visit.
* * *
A few metres away, a vulture stood and stared at the boy. The fading summer had given it a lot to remember. Scarcity of water always meant plenty of food. It had watched as the humans spent the days on the yellow sands, passing around a single glass of water. It had stood by as they collapsed one by one and had devoured the dead while the live ones gazed at it helplessly. The humans had made plans to fly to the other end of the world… but thank God, for those plans had never been executed. As the boy’s eyes closed for the last time, the vulture closed in, ready to devour its new meal.
--Written on the 14th of September, 2019--
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Grammar
1.
add comma after "time"
Word Choice and Flow
1.
"amongst the group" isn't needed, and should be cut for conciseness
2.
"been executed" sounds awkward, I suggest "happened" instead
3.
personally prefer "looked on" to "gazed at it"
4.
remove "too", "closed in" is different than "closed", so "too" isn't appropriate
Format
1.
personally prefer period to ellipses
Really cool story!
Thank you for pointing out the shortcomings. Certain phrases have been added for dramatic effect, though they seem a bit elaborate. So I would like to keep them that way. I have made a few corrections though. Thanks again.
no problem!
How interesting! I like the theme of one creature's death being another's sustenance, as well as how you highlight this with "Alas" and "thank god" (from the vulture's perspective).
Thank you for your words of appreciation
The duality of the descriptions! I did not catch the deadly situation until the pov of the vulture, it was very nicely done. Being able to see the same situation from two different perspectives was very interesting and is always fun to read. Despite being short there is a lot to be read and enjoyed. I went from sad to surprised back to a more understanding sad. I enjoy the almost hopeful excitement from the vulture thankful for the banquet. Very nicely done!
Thank you so much for your kind words
Hi! I really liked this!
I could really envision this sad scene in my head through your words.It's short and sweet.
I love the way that you described things,
I am a huge fan of apocalypse related literature, so this was so much fun to read.
One thing I noticed is that in the phrase the G should be capital (not for any religious reasons, just because it is a name).
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for pointing out that mistake, and for the appreciation