Grace got up from her bed, and the first thing she saw was the other girl. The girl looked exactly like Grace- the same worn out face, the same tired eyes.
But was the girl really so much like herself? She wondered as she got out of bed.
* * *
The other girl looked into Grace's eyes as she washed her face. She had all the moves memorized; picking up the toothbrush with her left hand and the toothpaste with her right, she looked at Grace again. Grace's moves hadn't differed all these years, but something had changed. With each passing day the face had grown more and more worn out, and so had hers. She wondered what the reason could be as she continued brushing her teeth.
* * *
Grace had a long bath and when she came back to comb her hair, she saw her again. The other girl picked up the comb too and imitated the way Grace ran it through her hair. Did she know too, Grace wondered as she neatly pulled all her hair into a ponytail, that this was the last time she was doing this?
* * *
The other girl copied Grace's moves and picked up a paper and a pen.The words flowed automatically:
"I am not what you wanted me to be.
I am sorry.
I love you all.
Goodbye."
* * *
Grace walked across the room and bolted the door. Picking up the blade on her dresser with her right hand, she gazed into the other girl's eyes for one last time.
* * *
The other girl tried to read the pain Grace's eyes reflected in that moment of eye contact. She knew exactly what was going on and this was not what she wanted. But of course, it wasn't in her hands. It was in the hands of the "other girl."
* * *
Grace gazed into the eyes of her reflection and was filled with a sense of longing. Oh, how beautiful it would be to exist as a reflection merely mirroring the world, to be free of the burden of life, to never make any wrong decisions and to be liberated from the suffering. She longed for that existence, the existence of the other girl as she put a blade to her wrist.
* * *
The other girl sat there bleeding exactly the same amount as her reality and could not help being filled by a sense of longing. Oh, how beautiful it would be to take the risks of life, to not be caged as a reflection merely mirroring the world, to have the chance to make the right moves herself and to be the master of her own life. She longed for that life, the life of the other girl, as she collapsed.
* * *
Both girls went into a deep sleep, wishing to wake again, as a different person in a different dimension.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
1.
the grammar here isn't quite correct, with the rules for italics and thoughts and such. there are different options on how to fix.
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2.
the looking-into-eyes can be condensed to sound less awkward, replacing "the girl" with a pronoun in the former and removing the latter.
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3.
this could be phrased more eloquently.
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4.
this could be broken up more deliberately for better flow.
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5.
this could be phrased more eloquently.
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this is a really good and interesting story! keep up the good work!
I have made the suggested changes. Hope it refined the work. Thank you for your constructive criticism!
I have made the suggested changes. Hope it refined the work. Thank you for your constructive criticism!
no problem!
Hey, there! This short story is very meaningful. It is not super obvious from the outset, but as I read it, I became aware that it was depicting something deeper. I admire what you've done here.
As far as the actual writing, I didn't see any major errors in punctuation, grammar, etc. Good job. I would offer one tip, though,and that would be to give your character - the girl in reality - an actual name. It would just make the story easier to follow, as the reader would struggle less to differentiate between "the girl" and the reflection. Other than that, great work! Keep it up!
I have given the reality a name and made changes in accordance to it. Hope it brings the desired clarity. Thank you for your review!
Written on 20th Jan 2017