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Alternate Reality: The Other Girl

by thegoldenbird


Grace got up from her bed, and the first thing she saw was the other girl. The girl looked exactly like Grace- the same worn out face, the same tired eyes.

But was the girl really so much like herself? She wondered as she got out of bed.

*     *     *

The other girl looked into Grace's eyes as she washed her face. She had all the moves memorized; picking up the toothbrush with her left hand and the toothpaste with her right, she looked at Grace again. Grace's moves hadn't differed all these years, but something had changed. With each passing day the face had grown more and more worn out, and so had hers. She wondered what the reason could be as she continued brushing her teeth.

*     *     *

Grace had a long bath and when she came back to comb her hair, she saw her again. The other girl picked up the comb too and imitated the way Grace ran it through her hair. Did she know too, Grace wondered as she neatly pulled all her hair into a ponytail, that this was the last time she was doing this?

*     *     *

The other girl copied Grace's moves and picked up a paper and a pen.The words flowed automatically:

"I am not what you wanted me to be.

I am sorry.

I love you all.

Goodbye."

*     *     *

Grace walked across the room and bolted the door. Picking up the blade on her dresser with her right hand, she gazed into the other girl's eyes for one last time.

*     *     *

The other girl tried to read the pain Grace's eyes reflected in that moment of eye contact. She knew exactly what was going on and this was not what she wanted. But of course, it wasn't in her hands. It was in the hands of the "other girl."

*      *      *

Grace gazed into the eyes of her reflection and was filled with a sense of longing. Oh, how beautiful it would be to exist as a reflection merely mirroring the world, to be free of the burden of life, to never make any wrong decisions and to be liberated from the suffering. She longed for that existence, the existence of the other girl as she put a blade to her wrist.

*      *      *

The other girl sat there bleeding exactly the same amount as her reality and could not help being filled by a sense of longing. Oh, how beautiful it would be to take the risks of life, to not be caged as a reflection merely mirroring the world, to have the chance to make the right moves herself and to be the master of her own life. She longed for that life, the life of the other girl, as she collapsed.

*      *      *

Both girls went into a deep sleep, wishing to wake again, as a different person in a different dimension.


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Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:02 am
BlackThorne wrote a review...



1.

But was the girl really so much like herself? She wondered as she got out of bed.

the grammar here isn't quite correct, with the rules for italics and thoughts and such. there are different options on how to fix.
Example #1 :
She wondered, as she got out of bed, was the girl really so much like herself?

Example #2 :
But was the girl really so much like herself? she wondered as she got out of bed.


2.
The other girl looked into the girl's eyes as she washed her face. She had all the moves memorized; picking up the toothbrush with her left hand and the toothpaste with her right, she looked into her eyes again.

the looking-into-eyes can be condensed to sound less awkward, replacing "the girl" with a pronoun in the former and removing the latter.
Example:
The other girl looked into her eyes as she washed her face. She had all the moves memorized; picking up the toothbrush with her left hand and the toothpaste with her right.


3.
The face had grown more and more worn out with each passing day. And along with the girl's face, her own had changed too. She wondered what the reason could be as she continued brushing her teeth.

this could be phrased more eloquently.
Example #1 :
The growing weariness in the girl's face reflected in her own, but she was none the wiser of where it came from.

Example #2 :
With each day, the face had grown more and more worn out, and so had hers. The girl brushed her teeth, and she wondered.


4.
The girl walked across the room and bolted the door. She picked up the blade which was on her dresser with her right hand and gazed into the other girl's eyes for one last time.

this could be broken up more deliberately for better flow.
Example:
The girl bolted the door, and picking up the blade on her dresser, gazed into the other girl's eyes for the last time.


5.
Oh, how beautiful it would be to bear no implications of life, to exist just as a reflection, copying everything its reality did, never thinking at all, never making any wrong decisions, never having to blame oneself for all those deeds and to not suffer the pain too.

this could be phrased more eloquently.
Example:
Oh, how beautiful it would be to to exist just as a reflection, to be free of the burden of life, not having to think or choose or suffer, and simply be a mirror to the empty world.


this is a really good and interesting story! keep up the good work!






I have made the suggested changes. Hope it refined the work. Thank you for your constructive criticism!





I have made the suggested changes. Hope it refined the work. Thank you for your constructive criticism!



BlackThorne says...


no problem! :D



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Wed Jan 08, 2020 10:06 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! This short story is very meaningful. It is not super obvious from the outset, but as I read it, I became aware that it was depicting something deeper. I admire what you've done here.

As far as the actual writing, I didn't see any major errors in punctuation, grammar, etc. Good job. I would offer one tip, though,and that would be to give your character - the girl in reality - an actual name. It would just make the story easier to follow, as the reader would struggle less to differentiate between "the girl" and the reflection. Other than that, great work! Keep it up!






I have given the reality a name and made changes in accordance to it. Hope it brings the desired clarity. Thank you for your review!



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Wed Jan 08, 2020 10:38 am
thegoldenbird says...






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Points: 942
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Wed Jan 08, 2020 10:36 am
thegoldenbird says...



Written on 20th Jan 2017





I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom