Note: please read this fanfic open-mindedly :) This might not be how you imagined Gale's character or his future to be. Also, this contains Mockingjay spoilers so don't read if you are not familiar with the story! Thanks and criticism is well received! :D
Years had passed since he moved to district 2 and worked in his new position as Peacekeeper. There wasn't a moment that his mind didn't burn with her. The flames from the girl on fire igniting every memory he had and which brought him back to his misery. Her, them, his family. Everything he'd lost because of a mistake. He could never face her again after what he'd done, and he knew that even though she believed it wasn't his fault she would never look at him in the same way. His family couldn't look him directly in the eyes either. And every morning neither could he. He didn't see the young and strong man he was some years ago, he only saw the demons that hid under his skin. The demons that concealed him inside his past and left him alone in a different home.
In district 12 there were many things he had left dust on, so many pages he never got the chance to turn. This was the chance to stop drowning and start coming back onto the surface. He didn't know what had happened in the last years. District 12 was still in ruins, and that's why they had asked so many Peacekeepers to go help. The Peacekeepers were nothing like they once were, and now did actually try keeping the peace.
He was in his uniform, mask on. He still hadn't decided what to do about his past but after walking through the old meadow , he decided that it was finally time to pick the pieces back up. He wasn't sure exactly what he was looking for. Anyone he recognized he told himself. But he knew that wasn't the truth. Katniss was the real and only reason he had returned.
And there she was.
She was just outside a shop he almost didn't recognize. It was beautifully hand painted with the green that reminded him so much of the forest. Of her. On top he read, "Mellark Bakery". She was facing the opposite direction, her long, dark braid covering her back, just as he remembered. There was a blonde man in front of her, and they were laughing and embracing each other. The man smiled and caressed her stomach. As she turned, Gale saw that she was no longer just Katniss.
She was holding a new life inside her.
She grinned at him and they kissed, and Gale felt a large blow to his stomach as if someone had hit him. He hadn't felt worse pain ever before. Harsh memories started flooding his mind. The whipping. When she came to rescue him. Seeing her fight for her survival. Being ten thousand miles away without being able to do anything. Not volunteering for him. The bomb. Prim.
The pain came rushing in like the dam which kept all these sorrows away suddenly broke apart, crashing any form of life and happiness which stood in the river's way.
He turned around and took off his mask; and with his back turned he slowly walked away never wanting to come back.
Then something hit his foot. A burnt piece of bread.
He turned and saw as Peeta mouthed "Thank You." and went back inside the bakery.
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138,162 Literary Works • 672,077 Reviews
The Missing piece here for a review! I really loved this because it really shows Gale's pain. It is so descriptive! Its beautiful! I always thought that Gale should've come back one day and here it is! My favorite part was
"She was holding a new life inside her.
She grinned at him and they kissed, and Gale felt a large blow to his stomach as if someone had hit him. He hadn't felt worse pain ever before. Harsh memories started flooding his mind. The whipping. When she came to rescue him. Seeing her fight for her survival. Being ten thousand miles away without being able to do anything. Not volunteering for him. The bomb. Prim."
I love it! Keep writing!
~The Missing piece
Aw thanks again!
I loved this. I thought this was very well written, and your descriptions were amaze-balls when you described Gale's feelings. I hate fanfiction, but I'm glad I decided to give this a shot. I didn't like that Gale became a peacekeeper. This is so very... un-Gale. I also don't think there would be any peacekeepers anymore since Snow was overthrown. I don't know, maybe that's just me. But Gale wasn't the type of person who enforced rules, he seems like the kind of person who does his own thing, who naturally rebels against authority. But then again, that's just me.
You have a couple of awkward sentences. So I'm just going to point them out to you.
I had to re-read this line a couple times. I see what you meant by this. So try changing it to "He experienced worse pain than he had ever felt before." Or possibly, "The pain he felt was worse than ever before." or "No pain he had ever felt was worse than this." You get the point.
The second sentence just didn't work for me. It reads awkwardly and something is... missing. Italics or quotations or something. But I'm not quite sure how you would punctuate or format this properly. So maybe try this: " He wasn't exactly sure what he was looking for, but he told himself he needed to see any familiar face. Just one person he recognized." Or possibly: "He wasn't sure exactly what he was looking for. But he told himself he would be grateful to see anyone he recognized." Or: "He didn't know what he was looking for, but he knew he needed to see someone he recognized." Again, I'm sure you get the point.
My favourite part out of all of this was this part:
This part speaks to me. It's so descriptive and the analogies are beautiful. I see what you did with the peacekeepers, how they "actually try to keep the peace". I just thought when you said Gale asked peacekeepers to go to District 12 to help was a little odd. Peacekeepers are Panem's version of a military, so you would think they get drafted rather than choosing where to go. That's just my two cents on it, do what you choose with it.
I really hope my review helped, and again, this was a wonderful short. You actually wrote a piece of fanfiction that I like
Happy Writing,
-Gravity
This is so good! I was drawn in by the title, as I am a HUGE FAN OF THE HUNGER GAMES OH MY LORD.
(3 DAYS)
You've portrayed Gale in a very different light as to what people imagined. In the books, I think a lot of people blamed him for Prim's death and then disliked him, but I personally quite like Gale and you've captured him really well!
By writing from his point of view, we can see how he has changed from the "the young and strong man" as you put it wonderfully into a mature, damaged man who still has feelings for Katniss even if he denies it.
Right, now onto the work!
I don't have anymore grammar corrections to make, as IamaHuman covered them all perfectly, and pointed out some sentence flowing problems.
I particularly like your wording in places though. It really sticks in your mind and you can just remember it, which is a really good quality to have in a story.
I also really like the lines:
"The whipping. When she came to rescue him. Seeing her fight for her survival. Being ten thousand miles away without being able to do anything. Not volunteering for him. The bomb. Prim."
I like it because it's just totally accurate for one thing, and you can almost picture the images in your head flashing after one another.
Sorry for no corrections, but IamaHuman got them all, and I don't want to go on correcting things you have already found out from someone else!
Overall, great piece of writing though, I love it!
Have a good Christmas!
-CFG
(PS I love your picture!! Jennifer Lawrence is AMAZINGGGG)
*whistles four note tune and puts up three fingers in the air* FELLOW HUNGER GAMES FANNNN
Thanks for the lovely comment! Yeah, really need to go over this for what IamaHuman said
Seen Catching Fire yet? OH MY LORD, AMAZING!
I'd have laughed so hard if you'd put "Thank you for your consideration" in reply to my review! xD
omg how could I have not thought of that.... gahhhhh
ONLY THE #1 MOVIE IN THE WORLD FOR TWO WEEKS IN A ROWWWW!!! TOMORROW IT'LL BE MY FOURTH TIME *-* SO PROUD OF THIS FANDOM <3
OF COURSE I'VE SEEN IT
I'M SEEING IT AGAIN TOO, NEXT WEEK!!
It's the best film EVER! I just think Johanna Mason is hilarious! And the LIFT SCENE Katniss' FACE xD
Okay... THIS WAS AWESOME! I really liked how you portrayed your character. You showed him as a good person even though at this point a lot of people will doubt that seeing as he basically killed Prim. You made him seem human still, showed that he regretted his mistakes and still loved Katniss and his family.
The story and plot line were really good but there were a few grammatical mistakes.
"He could never face her again after what he'd done, and he knew that even though she believed it wasn't his fault she would never look at him in the same way."
This is a bit of a run-on sentence. There's something about it that makes it seem too long. One way to fix it is to A. replace some words and add an ; or B. make it two sentences.
So,
"He could never face her again after what he'd done; though she believed him she would never look at him the same way."
or
"Even though she believed him; he could never face her again after what he'd done."
You could even cut bits and pieces out but it's up to you.
The next thing was this:
"The Peacekeepers were nothing like they once were, and now did actually try keeping the peace. "
The only thing I suggest here is taking out 'although'. It's an unnecessary word and makes the sentence loose it's flow.
"Anyone he recognized he told himself. But he knew that wasn't the truth. Katniss was the real and only reason he had returned"
In this you could have done a multiple of different things. A. combine the first two sentences and B. Take out real or only.
It would look something like this: "Anyone he recognized, he told himself, knowing that wasn't the truth. Katnis was the only/real reason he had come back to District Twelve.
"It was beautifully hand painted with the green that reminded him so much of the forest. Of her. On top he read, "Mellark Bakery". "
re word it. It sounded off but I can't explain what it was. It just had the wrong words in certain places...
"It was a beautiful forest-green painting of her with a sign at the top that read, "Mellark Bakery.""
"He hadn't felt worse pain ever before"
This again Is just some weird wording. Replacing it with more common words like:
"It was the worst pain he had felt in his life." Would make it flow much better.
I'm sorry for the critiques but I really did like it.
You used great similies and had a great opening as well. My favorite part was, "The flames from the girl on fire igniting every memory he had and which brought him back to his misery." It was really detailed and put the perfect imagery in the readers head.
Anyway keep up the good work and try to fix some of the wording.
gOOD jOB :3
Don't say sorry!! I really, really appreciated this critique. Thank you for all the suggestions and I know that many times my sentences seem to be structures improperly, making no sense. I will surly go over this and edit it.
You're welcome and I really did like it :3
Keep up the good work