The Girl and the Bird

Hello!

I'm back to review another one of your pieces!

This is a lovely, sweet poem you've written here.
I like the idea of the girl being mute, therefore appreciating the little bird.

Just a couple nitpicks...

That was why the blue bird made her happy.
So when he did not come,
She no longer smiled, cared,
Cared for anything but the bird's return.

I feel like these last two lines should be restructured into something like this:

That was why the blue bird made her happy.
So when he did not come,
She no longer smiled, nor cared:
Not for anything but the bird's return.

Maybe not quite like that, but I feel the double comma and the continuation sentence makes this feel a little off.

The mute girl grew sick, dying in her bed.
At last she closed her eyes,
Then the bird came and sang
Her death wish: she finally sang along.

This stanza here, while nice, was a little too brief! Perhaps you could separate this, and make an entire stanza about her illness, and then a stanza on her death and the return of our little bird friend.

Otherwise, congrats on writing a very lovely piece. This has a sweet little story behind it, and it is beautifully written. Good job!

Love your work.
Keep writing!

Hello there, I'm Clarity and I'm here to review this lovely poem you have.

I enjoyed reading this very much, it had emotion woven tightly into it; although there were a few loose patches, which can always be revised and such. So, not to worry!

Everyday the girl sat by the window.
Her eyes glowing with joy,
As the bird sang, she smiled.
The sweet melody entering her soul.

Already, I can imagine how happy this girl must feel, hearing the song of this bird. Now, I'll go back to the first line in a moment, but let's talk about lines 2-4 first. I like how you related the things that were happening to the girl, it made it more personal to her situation. I don't think anything needs to be changed here. The only thing that bothers me is the capitals at the start of every line (which you do all the way through the poem). You don't need to do this unless the word is after the end of another sentence (or if you want to put emphasis on that word). But, it's no major problem. I put the first line in red just because I wanted to point out a couple of things. You introduce the character to be a girl, sat by a window, but I think this line would look better within the stanza if it said "Everyday, the girl sat by her window." But, that's my personal preference. I would recommend adding the comma after "Everyday" but the "her" instead of "the" isn't essential or anything.

The singing bird was always there for her.
__Came by the window sill,
Each morning and each night,
Brightening her sun, welcoming her moon.

A nice way to follow on from the previous stanza. So, the second line: I left a space at the beginning because I think adding "It" would make the line more understandable. When I first read the line, I was unsure as to what you were talking about, but I assume you're talking about the bird. It's just a precaution, but not essential. I also reckon that the comma should be disposed of, I think that lines 2 and 3 flow nicely as one part of the sentence. The last line just had me a little confused. Are you still talking about the bird? I assume so, but it's just a little unclear. Punctuation wise, I'd suggest replacing the comma with a semi-colon, but that is, again, personal preference.

The girl lived by the bird's soft harmony.
No matter how she tried,
No voice came out of her.
She could not sing, nor say 'hello' or 'bye'.

I really like this stanza. The only thing I might recommend is making the apostrophes into quotation marks. Also, "bye" might flow nicer as "good-bye" but that's just something I'd personally prefer.

That was why the blue bird made her happy.
So when he did not come,
She no longer smiled, cared,
Cared for anything but the bird's return.

I would change the comma in the second line into a colon. Lines 3 and 4 are a little confusing. I'm put off by the structure of line 3. I think it might be the use of two commas... Hm, maybe it would read smoother like: "she no longer smiled nor cared". Your choice though. Now, the fourth line. You've written it as though you don't want the bird to come back, you're the best person to figure out how to change that because I don't want to re-write your poem. I'm only offering suggestions if I state an alternate way to write a few words/line.

For months she still waited, losing more hope.
Her sadness grew deeper.
No more voice in her life,
No song, no one to make her smile again.

I would scrap the bit in red because it refers more to the bird. But otherwise, I really like this stanza!

The mute girl grew sick, dying in her bed.
At last she closed her eyes,
Then the bird came and sang
Her death wish: she finally sang along.

The first two lines are lovely. The third line, I would make one sentence and put a full stop at the end of it. The fourth line, are you saying that the girl who was mute, was finally able to sing the song she loved so much? You might want to add another stanza before this one, just to take us along the girls pathway to death more clearly; it happens a little too fast at the moment.


I really enjoyed this poem. I like your concept and it has a lovely, if sad, outcome at the end. I pointed out everything I had little problems with... and I found nothing majorly wrong with it. This poem is lovely, and only needs a little tweaking. I look forward to reading some other literary works of yours; this one was a nice read.

Good luck with future writing and feel free to PM me with any questions. (I notice you're only a few days old, welcome to the site! )

-Clarity.