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140,078 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
i really loved this poem.
<3 <3 <3
although i did see some stuff that could be fixed
For example the part where it says
'A heart that sinks, not swims'
i think it should be
A heart that sinks, can't swim
other than that it's a really good poem.
This was really great. There's really nothing that I can say about this, well, cause, I don't write this good! I wasn't exactly a fan of the 3rd stanza, cause it just seems kinda... broken up. For me, anyways... I espspecially liked the final stanza. This was a lovely, yet sad poem. Thanks for writing this poem!
-PeaceLovePoems
()_()
( '.' )
(")(")o
This was really great. There's really nothing that I can say about this, well, cause, I don't write this good! I wasn't exactly a fan of the 3rd stanza, cause it just seems kinda... broken up. For me, anyways... I espspecially liked the final stanza. This was a lovely, yet sad poem. Thanks for writing this poem!
-PeaceLovePoems
()_()
( '.' )
(")(")o
Good job. Really, I only have a few suggestions, ignore them if your don't like them.
1. 2nd stanza, line 3, is a bit choppy. It seems to disrupt the beat of the poem. Perhaps you could shorten it somehow?
2. The last line in stanza 3 is a bit weak compared to the more emotional aspects of your poem.
3. Stanza three, the second and third line are basically the same.
Great job, keep it up!
First off, nice poem, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism so ignore it if you disagree.
Seems the theme is original but the way its written comes off as cliche. You should realize "heart that sinks" is a phrase in many unoriginal writings. Again the ambulance, and the sobs of a collapsed mother seem a little weak to your poem. The only reason for this however is because I've read it sooo many times.
The repetition is nice to this poem but i think it would be better if structured in a way it was unneeded. The content lacks to say the least without enough details and examples.
The essay was structured in each stanza with answering the question you chose to repeat each first line. However, "why do the young die" was not answered in the second stanza and while I would never suggest such structure to a free-verse poem I would say it shows another weak part.
"When we tried so hard to love" to me, seemed to undermine the theme. You try to hard to give and protect, then was did you try to hard to love?
I think this poem didn't offer to much 'original content'. I would suggest when writing a poem to strive to evoke emotion by details specific to each situation. thanks, again this is for you so take it or leave it, I won't mind ether way! Good luck !
Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm drowning myself in sad music right now, but I sincerely found this a sad and wonderful poem. The last stanza felt a little weak, a little too stilted and repetitive, but that's the only portion of it that I would really consider changing. The first two stanzas in particular have a really beautiful rhythm, and they're simple but effective.
I wish I had more to offer you in the way of reviewing...but in general, this is just really, really lovely. Keep writing.
This poem is dedicated to Justin W., for his strength, his commitment, and his happiness. Even when all was downhill, he always found a way to get back up again.