My breathing is getting faster, I’m a complete disaster.
You wrap me in your arms, and whisper, “Calm down.”
My chest seizes up, I feel as if I’ll drown.
You sneak in a kiss, and take my clenched hand.
My fingers lessen their grip, and I lace them into yours.
You gently wipe my cheek as the tears begin to pour.
My body shakes and shivers and my lips start to tremble.
You pull me to your chest and I start to reassemble.
My fears wash away like the sea as I listen to your heart beat.
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140,379 Literary Works • 673,133 Reviews
Hello.
My first piece of advice is to watch where your lines rhyme. If you reread your first line, you can see you have an internal rhyme (faster/disaster), while no other lines have this. You also miss out on line four and nine, which don't rhyme with anything. Line four is the most jarring, because it's right in the middle of the poem.
When you're doing a rhyming poem, keeping a consistent rhyme is very important because it's distracting whenever the pattern doesn't line up. It's also very difficult to pull off a good rhyming poem, which is why most people stick to free verse. A good rhyming poem means that you don't actually notice the rhyme because everything fits together so well that it seems natural. You have a few places the rhymes seemed forced, mostly with "tremble" and "reassemble", because you hadn't actually mentioned falling apart before you mentioned putting yourself back together (you'd mentioned drowning before).
I also found the poem to be fairly choppy because it kept using the same sentence structure over and over again. In the middle of a line you had a comma, at the end of a line you had a period. Poetry doesn't need to have each sentence be on one line, and it also doesn't need to use the same structure all the time. Just like prose, poetry requires variation in sentence structure to be interesting.
Your content itself was sweet, but fairly standard. I found you used genetic, broadstrokes wording instead of trying to craft strong images that are unique to the situation. If you separate how you're feeling by little details (smell, taste, touch, sight, sound), you not only carve out your own niche in the poetry world but also create a much more tactile image for readers to slip themselves into. And once readers have slipped into your shoes, they can appreciate the poem a lot more. And you end up with a generally beautiful poem.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
A few of the lines didn't flow as well as others and the rhyming scheme is a bit hodge-podge. I felt like it ended a bit suddenly, but other than that, I loved it. Keep up the great work
Thanks.