“How was your day, Markus?” she asked, her voice hushed. It was silly, but she always felt she needed to hold her breath when she talked to him, like he was as fragile as a child made of dust, as if a sigh would rearrange his frail features, erode his bones, gouge his heart. They sat in overstuffed chairs which seemed to drown the tiny boy. He sat with his feet hanging inches from the ground. She sat with her elbows on her knees, leaning over so she wasn't towering over him.
“I- I talked today... In class.”
“Really? Darling, I'm so proud of you. What did you say?”
“I said, 'Miss Lamberg... I'd like to have a part in the... the school play too.”
“That’s great! And what did she say?”
He glanced at his feet, nestled in tennis shoes with velcro straps. “Well... she didn't hear me. But Marilyn did. And she told the teacher...”
“Yes?”
He smiled. Oh! How much she loved it when he smiled! How it filled him up, how it made him look like his father. A perfect angel, he was. She loved him.
“I'm going to be a rock.”
“Really?” She remembered when she had gotten a similar part- in the second grade, she had been a tree. She had cried. But he was excited about this. It was a big step for him, so she was careful to smile with him.
“Won't you tell me about your part? What do you get to do?”
He sat up straighter- an achievement. She had never seen him sit so tall, so proud. “I'm the- the lead rock. I get to lead the other rocks on- and I have the farthest to go, so I have to be the quickest. We get to wear costumes.” He gestured to show how large and bulky the costumes were, and she giggled. He smiled again, his quiet, dark eyes shining.
They chatted on. He was excited about this play, and it made him more talkative than ever before. Even by the end of the session, he was still communicating, though the babble had lessened to a trickle.
She led him to the waiting room, where his mother sat, attentive only to her phone.
“Hello, Mrs. Buckley,” she said. “Have you been asking him questions? At least five a day, remember?”
Mrs. Buckley sighed. It was a sigh that could whither the stiffest of flowers. “His brothers always answer for him. This isn't helping at all. He still never talks- never. His brothers weren't ever like this. Have you figured out what's wrong with him yet?”
“He made a lot of progress today. You-”
“I'll be the judge of that.”
“-Should ask him about his part in the school play.” But Mrs. Buckley was already glancing at her phone again, standing. Mrs. Buckley was a rather tall woman. With the heels that never left her feet, Markus had to reach for her hand.
“Come on, Markus. Your brothers are going to be late for their soccer match if we don't get going.” Mrs. Buckley smiled at her. If people could have sweet smiles, Mrs. Buckley's was as bitter as bad coffee. “Have a nice day.”
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140,385 Literary Works • 673,138 Reviews
Wow, I like the whole piece! It's so good I can only really give suggestions rather than criticism.
I think you could use the names to give more symbolism to the piece. Symbolism in short stories is essential because you have so few words you can use, the words must speak to much more than the literal words they say.
When you say "as fragile as a child made of dust" it doesn't really make sense because he is a child. Could you rephrase to be less awkward?
This piece shows great use of ellipses, but too many hyphens in my opinion. Don't overdo this.
Is there any symbolism in him being a rock? Could he be a cloud instead, or something more fragile or susceptible to being messed up by the environment? Like maybe a plant?
I think in the part that says "She had never seen him sit so tall, so proud" it could say "almost proud" rather than "so proud". He doesn't seem proud, but just on the edge, teetering between two fates.
You use height well as a symbol in the end with the mother, and a little in the beginning, could you incorporate this symbol more in the description of the play or in the conversation somehow?
Just look for more places to inject symbolism in general.
Also, I have real issue with the last three lines of the piece. I get it, but the wording is a bit awkward. Who says "Have a nice day"? and do you really want that to be the last line of your piece? is there a better metaphor you could use than sweet smiles and bitter smiles? Don't ever use the word "bad" even to describe "bad coffee" - it would be better to say "unsweetened coffee" or "black coffee" or maybe "a tall cup of dark coffee". THe last option would incorporate the height symbolism. Also if the brothers played basketball rather than soccer it would incorporate that symbolism better as well.
Good luck, good piece, inject more meaning anywhere you can - always.
~alli-y
Hi tgirly,
i really loved your story it was kind of a bitter sweet story because you make the little boy such a lovable character and then the mother comes and ruins it all.I really felt attached to him because he was so cute and shy and he reminded me of my little cousin Andres.I liked how you put the councilor as sort of a mother figure
because obliviously he doesn't get that attention at home with his rude mom.
I think you did a really good getting people attached to the main character but i think you could have given more details about when he is telling his story and he smiles.
It is a really big part in the story and i think you could have show'd how he was smiling weather he had a big smile or a shy type of smile or if he had little dimples and how his eyes would light up when he smiled....etc
Even though it's not good to be in a home like he is in i like how you made his circumstances that way because it adds more sympathy towards the little boy and it just makes you wanna go up to him and give him a hug.haha.
well i thought u did an amazing job and keep it up! i'll look forward to reading more of your short stories.
-jazzy52314
Thanks for the review; really helpful advice! I'm glad you could connect with the characters.
-tgirly
Hi! I really like your story! I love the way that you kept us hanging by threads, jiving us enough information to know what's going on, yet you still leave us guessing. It's amazical. Especially with the way you did Markus' mom. I love this line, "If people can have sweet smiles, Mrs. Buckley's was as bitter as kale." You defiantly used 'show, don't tell' to it's fullest here. I also like how you used subtle contrast to show the difference between the therapist and the mom. I give this a 10/10! Great Job!
- PotatoCat
Thanks so much! Love your avatar.
You're welcome. Thanks for the compliment. =3
I love the opening of your story! The way you introduced the situation between the narrator and Markus really captivated me. I loved how your quote of
almost serves as a line to show the narrator and Markus' mother as foils. You describe Markus' mother to be tall in a way that towers over Markus, so to make his therapist's actions the opposite of this was genius in order to convey how different the two characters are. Your dialogue is great, but I would change to a different word as this word does not seem fitting. People do not commonly say "glorious" so you should change it something that sounds more casual such as "That's great." To avoid sounding too repetitive with your previous line saying , you could also say something like "I'm so happy for you. That is awesome!" You do a great job incorporating metaphors, but I suggest changing the metaphor in the last paragraph. I would change to comparing her sweet smile to something else bitter that people could associate more with. When I read this I did not immediately get the sense of kale being the most bitter of things. For readers to get the full effect of how bitter her smile was you could compare it to something like a bad batch of coffee that people would relate to more. Overall your short story was really good and you're such a talented writer! It made me want to read more about Markus and the issues he is trying to resolve. I believe you'll get that scholarship! Hopefully this helps. Good Luck!Thanks so much! I'm so happy you caught the characters being foils for each other, and your advice is really, really helpful. Especially with the bad batch of coffee; I was having so much trouble thinking of bitter food; I even googled it. That's perfect!
Hey tgirly! backroads here to write a review! I really hope you get that scholarship!!!
She seems very familiar with Markus, and I would have thought that Markus playing any sort of role in a play would be a big deal. I like how you give us a little insight on her background, but it doesn't make sense to me for her to pity his role in the play. It's totally up to you, but I would recommend making her be a little more enthusiastic.You have quite the knack for detail! You piece was incredibly descriptive, and I particularly love how you characterize Mrs. Buckley! Quite honestly, there isn't much I would recommend changing!
One thing that caught me off guard, however, was how the 'narrator' responded to his role in the play.
Also, I would like to see some of your description channeled into describing Mrs. Buckley's appearance. As a reader, I love being able to have a clear picture of the characters in play, and when you're only involving three characters, you have room to do so. Aside from being tall and wearing heels, how does her outfit reflect her personality? What sort of hair goes with her demeanor? I would just elaborate more on this.
The only other comment I have is that I agree with BEWriter's point about a theme. Plot-wise, nothing appears to be resolved, and the short doesn't appear to have some sort of central theme or message. It's well written, but lacking in direction. What exactly do you want to accomplish with this short (within the context of the story itself)?
You are a phenomenal writer and go a great job with characterization! Let me know if you get that scholarship! I'll be rooting for you!
-backroadstraveler
Thanks so much! I've been on YWS for a long time, and this probably ranks in my top 5 most helpful reviews. Really sound advice.
Oh my gosh!!! I really hope that you get the scholarship! I'm sure you'll do great, and hope that this review will help! I'll be sure to judge it hard, but I'm sure that is great already! Okay I'll start now:
I truthfully did not see any errors at all, which is great. I'll go ahead and talk about the story.
It is a very interesting story, I think little Markus seems so cute! You used great descriptive sentences and everything flowed well. I think it is sad how his mother seems so inconsiderate, but I'm really glad that he has the narrator, she seems kind. I have some questions. Does the story have a certain point you were aiming for? What is the theme of you story? It is a very nice short short, but do you have a message that you are trying to get out there?
Anyway, great job! I liked the word choices, and how you didn't add any unnecessary words in there. Your details really helped me visualize the type of person or feeling the narrator was feeling. I really hope that you get that scholarship, and if you don't, it's alright. There are more scholarships out there.
Keep Writing,
B.E. Writer
Oh! I see in your description that you had to use certain words, I think you did a great job with that.
Thanks so much for the review! It's really helpful, and thanks for the well wishes.