Her hair was a mess. It flew in every direction as if it was a live flame, buffeted by the wind. She didn’t seem to care. She was overwhelmed by the raw power of the water or, more accurately, the wind and the moon's gravity. The waves pounded against the shore, leaping as if they believed they could fly, then beating against the sand in self-pity when they found they couldn’t.
A gull or a crow passed overhead, fighting against the wind, defying gravity with every powerful flap of its wings. The miracle of the bird’s flight was lost to her. She was still, squinting her eyes against the wind and staring as far off as she could see. She was waiting for something.
She was alone on the beach. The others had turned back hours before – or was it only minutes? A blanket had been placed lovingly around her shoulders, but had since blown off, pulled by the wind. She’d made no attempt to retrieve it. She stood, a silent sentinel, as the light began to fade and her hope, too, waned.
He knew she was waiting, as surely as if he could see her. He knew she did not like waiting. But the seas were rough, and they’d been blown far off course. They were forced to dock on the first bit of land trying to pass for an island they saw. There had been much to do at first: find fresh water, gather provisions, repair the ship. But now the only thing left was sleep and there was nothing to distract him from thinking of her and her mournful vigil on the salty dock where earth, wind, and water meet and the red of her hair and the light of her eyes was the only fire he’d ever need.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi! I loved this story; it really seems like something that should be expanded on.
I appreciate how you managed to convey the woman's loss and pain so simply yet powerfully, though I somehow feel that the man's point of view somehow fell flat compared to the visceral misery in your first part. The woman's part was written beautifully. However, as I said, the man's part, particularly the ending, seemed a little too poetic, as if it didn't quite fit in with the rest of it. The part about '...there was nothing to distract him from thinking of her and her mournful vigil on the salty dock where earth, wind, and water meet and the red of her hair and the light of her eyes was the only fire he'd ever need...' seemed a little overdone. Up until then, everything was clicking along great, but then it seems like you got a little carried away with your own genius at that last part. The concept is very good, but I would suggest rephrasing it. Again, thank you so much for writing this. You write beautifully, and I hope you continue to do so. Thanks again!
Can I say again I loved this story? Yes, it would appear I can.
-Angela
Tally... You're amazing...
Hi tgirly,
I saw the title for your story and thought it sounded interesting, so that's a plus right off the bat. And it does really describe the idea behind the story, so good job with that.
The story itself was really short, but honestly I thought it worked. The first (section? part?) seemed like you were painting a moment in time, a couple of seconds in the life of someone as she waits for her (boyfriend? husband?) to return home. (Or at least I think that's what happened.) Anyway, your imagery there was superb. You really captured the feeling of a beach as well as the stress of the waiting girl. I especially like the part where you mentioned the power of the moon's gravity. It added a bit of surreality to it for me (not sure if that was intended or not), and I liked it.
I had to read the second part once or twice before I understood it, and I think it might be a bit too short. I would have liked to know a little bit more about the island and the sailor (I think) trapped on it, but I sense that's not really necessary for what you wanted the story to be. The flow also feels a bit off. This is just a suggestion, but I feel like the entire story might flow better in present tense.
Overall I really liked it; you need a lot of talent to fit a story like this onto a canvas this small. I think my favorite part was the vividity of the imagery and the way the story itself almost felt like a painting.
Hope I helped!
-Satellite
Hey, tgirly,
I love this! (PS this is a review). You've got a special talent for writing. I love all of the detail that you put into it, and I love the whole concept of the story. It expresses the very strong waves of water, and so I think that's my favorite part. Where it says "Defying gravity with every powerful flap of it's wings." I can just imagine how it would be to watch a bird fly like that, against the wind.
Also, one thing is that I didn't quite get how the sailor fit in. I think it jumped too quickly there, so maybe it would be better to explain that it's from a sailor's point of view.
Overall, I think it was wonderfully written.
KRose
Hi there tgirly!
So, like, this is super intriguing. The detail, the title - it's all very eye-catching/appealing! I think you've done very well in balancing description (so it's not overwhelming) and, generally, the focus (but we'll discuss that in a moment).
I really liked your usage of the Elements. You know: earth, wind, fire and water. Usually, people use it in literature and it comes across as extremely cliche just because it usually has some association with high fantasy/magic. And then it gets boring and like any other high fantasy piece of lit. Here - I don't know what you intend to do with this short snippet of writing - you've used it in a much more subtle way, I find. The references are there, but I think it has a much more elegant and enchanting association rather than the typically cliched sense. I can also understand that this is more or less a romance between two people and the involvement of the Four Elements really makes it passionate.
Now, focus. I understand that this is more a snippet of something. There's not really anything there except some pretty narrative. I can only guess at what this is - a passionate romance - but your ending seems kind of final and I don't know how you're going to move on. Will you move on? Or is this just a bit of flash fiction you whipped up? I'd be really interested if you decided to continue with this, though as I noted previously, I don't know how you'd really achieve that. It's so possible that if you did continue with this, it would turn into some ferocious and love-ravaging erotica. (sorry) Anyway, let me know.
As your detail is powerful and dazzling and I already pointed out how you balanced it well, it's not perfect. There seem to be some points where it's just a little too much:
Bold: that's getting a tad pretentious.
Anyway, a lovely read. Thank you!
Yours,
Lavvie
PS.
oh my god, that's so beautiful.
Hey tgirly, I'm Day and I'm here to review your story!
Let me start by saying that I think it's wonderful! The incredible detail that you've managed to fit into just a couple of hundred words is what I like the best. I feel as though I'm the girl standing on the beach on a windy day, waiting for her love (I presume) to come back from sea. She's extremely patient and obviously very in love with him (I don't think I'd have the will or patience to stand on the beach on a stormy day and just wait) to have the willpower to stand there on such a windy day and wait endlessly.
There is one thing, however. I don't really like the way you've suddenly switched points of view from the girl's thoughts to the guy's. It fits nicely, yes, but it was rather abrupt. At first, I thought that she was thinking about him knowing she didn't like to wait and was waiting for him. Then I realized this is the sailor's point of view. It would really help if you kind of, somehow, differentiated stuff like this.
Overall, I love this piece! It was rather short but it didn't seem incomplete to me. In fact, that is what's special about it. You've managed to get all your points across in such a short excerpt. You've shown, not told, and I love that too. Instead of pointing out stuff, you've left it to the reader to draw their own conclusions. Awesome!
I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing!
-Day