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Sons and Daughter ch. 2

by tgirly

Chapter Two

Archy and Totle walked into the neighborhood McDonald’s late in the evening.Afamiliar face caught Archy’s attention.

She sat at a booth across the restaurant. She held her head elegantly. Her hair was brushed over her shoulders and a sleek, dark red. Her eyelashes were thick, like a mahogany frame around the masterpiece of her eyes. They were dark blue, like a clear sea with flecks of pale gold trickling through it. Glasses of thin wire were placed on her small, slightly pointed nose. Her soft lips were curved in a dainty smile that seemed eternally truly cheerful. Her skin was as pale as lace and the veins of her hands shown through her skin. She seemed like she belonged in some classy dining roomwearing a long silken dress,next toa starch tablecloth, rather than at a fast food joint int-shirt and jeans with a bright red tray in front of her.

A glance to the booth facing her was all the invitation Archy and Totle needed. Her smile brightened as she took in the sight of the two brothers.

“Archimedes Alling,” she said, “how wondrous! And, is this your little brother? How wondrous! He looks exactly like you when you were his age.” She smiled tenderly down at Totle. If anyone else had said wondrous so often, they would have been deemed insincere, but she was so earnest it was impossible to think of her as fake.

“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, Archimedes,” she said. Archy turned an odd shade of crimson.

“Yeah, I guess it’s been awhile,” he said, stuttering slightly. Her smile turned sad for a moment, then returned to normal cheeriness with a vengeance. It reminded Archy of something she’d said years before.

“I hate goodbyes,” her words echoed in his mind, “they’re just so sad. I don’t like being sad.” Because of this, they had only bid each other adieux once before. The last time they’d seen each other.

The girl leaned towardsTotle in an undignified way that was still somehow elegant. Totle was scared she was going to pinch his cheek. She didn’t.

"You don’t know me, do you? I’m Felicity.” She grasped Totle’s hand and gave it a slight shake. Totle smiled at her, grateful he had remained unpinched.

“What’re you reading?” Archy asked, motioning awkwardly towards the opened book laying next to her tray.

“Just something I’m reading for one of my classes,” she flipped the cover over, revealing the textbook’s title. Introduction to Cryptography.

“How’s college treating you?”

“Wondrously. My first final exam is in a few days, so it’s starting to get pretty hectic. What about you? What are you majoring in?”

“I’m not in college.” Dimples formed above Felicity’s thin eyebrows.

“Why not? You’re smarter than me.”

“No, I’m not. Didn’t even finish high school.” Felicity’s thin shoulders slumped.

“Archimedes,” she scolded, “you can fool the world, but you can’t fool me, Mr. Perfect Memory. You are smarter than that.”

“You don’t know me anymore!” Archy shouted. Felicity became very still.

“I’ve been worried about you,” she said, “the only time I ever heard about you for an entire year was when I saw your name in the police blotters.” She had turned completely pale and looked as if she’d lived for a thousand years rather than nineteen. Her dark eyes seemed to stare through Archy and the gold spokes darkened. A shiver ran through Archy’s heart, seeing her look so tired and knowing he’d taken such a toll on her. Archy hated how guilty her eyes made him feel.

“I have to go now,” he looked around wildly for something he had to do immediately and his eyes landed on Totle, sitting next to him, “I have to get Totle settled in at my apartment.”

“Okay,” Felicity said, her eyes still gazing at the spot where Archy’s head had been. Her head moved funnily, as if she had jerked herself awake when starting to fall asleep.

“You will keep in touch this time, won’t you?” Felicity asked, “that would be so wondrous.” Totle spoke up.

“My birthday’s next week on Thursday,” he said, “you could come over.” Felicity smiled. Tilting her head, her hair drooped over her shoulder like a silken curtain.

“That’d be wondrous,” she said.

“Yeah, yeah it would be,” Archy said, his throat drying and his brain scrambling. Felicity blushed slightly, as if rose petals had been placed on her cheeks.

“Well, give her the address,” Totle said.

“Oh,” Archy said, “right.” The three scavenged for the supplies necessary for the address to be written. Archy ended up writing it in highlighter in the margins of Felicity’s textbook.

“Wondrous,” Felicity said. She grabbed her book and her shake and weaved her way out of the door. Archy couldn’t help watching the way her hair swung from side to side like a clock pendulum. Totle sat down and ordered mcnuggets in a smug sort of way.

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53 Reviews

Points: 4226
Reviews: 53

Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:39 am
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zohali93 wrote a review...

Hi there again cpm!

Good job again with this peice. :)

So I forgot to mention in the previous chapter but you forgot to give their ages,except totle. If Archy is in collegue then what about the other girl?

That girl, Felecity. You didn't say she was reading when Archy first found her, then Archy asks later on what she's reading.Also have a look at this:

A glance to the booth facing her was all the invitation Archy and Totle needed

You didn't mention that she noticed their presence first of all. It just sounds like she's looking at the booth. She should at least first meet their eyes or something then gesture towards the booth.

I don't thin you have to write the title of the book that way. You can use itallicks orjust do:
'Introduction to cryptography'

Also have a look at this:
Archy couldn’t help watching the way her hair swung from side to side like a clock pendulum.

I think using the pendulum to give the image was a bit out of place.

I like the mystery thats still going on. You do good at hooking readers.
So the thing I mentioned earlier about spacing the paragraphs also iapplies here. It will make it easier to read and look more neater.

I hope this helped.
-Zo :)

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1035 Reviews

Points: 138193
Reviews: 1035

Sat Jun 16, 2012 6:00 am
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hello again tallywa I'm again here to review your wonderful work!

So the 2nd paragraphs descriptions seem a little, um to noticing, unnatural maybe, How can he see and note her eye color from across the room. I know it's difficult but always when possible try to avoid just randomly writing a whole paragraph of just physical description, without some description of how that all makes the person the pov is from feels, or why they're taking note of all that suddenly. Besides tallywa, you yourself told me it's better to just focus on one characteristic at a time and let the rest fill in as the story grows, don't go overboard on those descriptions!

I'm not trying to seem harsh but: "me no get this sentence:" ---> "Archy turned an odd shade of crimson." Again each description should be unique or visual, the word odd is just well, odd in this sentence. I have never thought to myself "wow that person sure has an odd red shaded face."

Here is another description I'm having a hard time picturing. "The girl leaned towards Totle in an undignified way that was still somehow elegant." Maybe it's just me but I think it'd be more effective if you could just describe her posture instead of how 'dignified or undignified she acted' because that just doesn't tell me a whole lot about anything and leaves me wondering if there's some meaning to the word undignified that i have yet to understand.

Also is it just me or is Felicity the complete image and symbolic of wierdness!? Because everything she seems to do is followed by a strange awkward pause, then a change of emotion and posture. And she keeps being described as "undignified, elegance".. I just do not get her, and yet she reminds me of someone, maybe you know her as well: a little elf that flitters around our dwellings now and again adding humor and strangeness. Basically what I'm saying is so far I see her as sort of spastic, and that Archy is in love with her for som wierd reason that no one can understand. Maybe I'm wrong.

My big scary spelling mistake is that "mcnuggets" should be captitalized. Also another wierd sentence, why is it smug, how does an 8 year old order food? Does Felicity work at Mcdonalds? I thought you said so earlier but then she's walking away... So many unanswered questions still! Remember the reader gets antsy when left in the dark for too long, so if you don't want a riot, answer some soon! Please. :)

Well that's all I have, can't wait to read more, and I'll PM you the rest of wonderful suggestions that didn't have time to type in this review. tataa for now Tgirly, and remember: "Always take care not to trip over ANYTHING if the trip would cause you to fall head first into pistachio pudding!"---> quote acredited to both Aristotle and Alliyah.


tgirly says...

She isn't spastic, she's eccentric! There's a difference.

This looks like a really bad episode of Green Acres.
— David Letterman