Counting Breaths: Prologue

Well I'm sad you're not going to finish it, but I don't think you can delete it because it has comments attached. You can, however, edit it and change it to the words deleted rather than the story, but the title and comments will still be assesible.

If that helped at all or made any sense:)
If you have a question you can PM me.

I've decided not to finish this. Does anyone know how I can delete this?

This post has been deleted.

more amazing work from my favorite TFF!!!! This is a sad beginning filled with hope, if that makes sense. That's what I saw, at the very least. I hope you'll continue to write, practice and get even better. Danielle Twist, right?

Okay, first things first: you need to click on the "story" format when you post it so that it won't look like a big clump of text and will be spaced out a little better.

This whole thing didn't have a lot of detail and you kind of just wrote like you were going through the motions rather than putting your heart into it. I don't really know how to explain it, but I can tell when someone writes like that.

"Hello?" a lady answered.
"I'm at 1332, West 3rd street. I need an ambulence."
"What happened, dear?"
"Someone's in the garage...car's on...I don't know who," she said as she tried to make sense of her scattered thoughts.
She breathed in a stray wisp of smoke and burst into coughs.
"Hunny, are you a safe distance away?"
"No-yes, well right now I am. But I-I'm going to go in there...try to get whoever it is out."
"Deary, that could be dangerous-"
"I know, I'll use my ingaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"
"Yes dear, help is on the way but-"

Her name was Lila. She was 9 years old. She was walking home from school when she saw the smoke. It billowed out from around the garage door, black and deathly. She knew immediately what it was. She'd seen it before.
Car smoke. Someone was trying to commit suicide. With a fit of coughing, she pried the door open. All she could see were masses of the awful, billowing smoke, everywhere. She felt panic swelling up inside her.
She backed away from the garage, trying to set her thoughts straight. She called 9-1-1 on a nearby payphone.
"Hello?" a lady answered.
"I'm at 1332, West 3rd street. I need an ambulance."
"What happened, dear?"
"Someone's in the garage...car's on...I don't know who," she said as she tried to make sense of her scattered thoughts.
She breathed in a stray wisp of smoke and burst into coughs.
"Honey, are you a safe distance away?"
"No-yes, well right now I am. But I-I'm going to go in there...try to get whoever it is out."
"Deary, that could be dangerous-"
"I know, I'll use my inhaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"
"Yes dear, help is on the way but-"
"Good, thanks. Bye." She hung up before the lady could say anything else.She took a moment to steal herself and took a deep breath. She ran into the dark smoke. She hit her knee hard on the rear right tire. She gasped.
One hand on the car, the other in front of her, she made her way to the driver's side. She opened the door, the man inside's arm slid out, his feet on the dashboard.
She turned the car off. As she pulled him out, his foot got caught on the seat belt, but she couldn't see in the darkness. She pulled as hard as possible. It was loosed and she fell over backwards, losing her grip on his shoulders. She worked her way back to him, but not seeing where he was in the darkness, stepped on his ankle with a sickening crunch. By now, Lila was seeing dots, or at least she thought she was, everything was black. He seemed to get heavier by the second, and he was already at least twice her size.
Just a few feet from the exit, her asthma finally got the better of her. She fainted.
Four minutes later, the ambulance pulled into the driveway.

Hello, I'm Jelly and I shall be your reviewer today.

First of all, I thought this was a little too short. You also do a lot of telling instead of showing.

Her name was Lila. She was 9 years old. She was walking home from school when she saw the smoke. It billowed out from around the garage door, black and deathly. She knew immdiately what it was. She'd seen it before.

She called 9-1-1 on a nearby payphone.
"Hello?" a lady answered.

"I know, I'll use my ingaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"

She took a moment to steal herself and took a deep breath.

She ran into the dark smoke.

It was loosed and she fell over backwards, losing her grip on his shoulders.

Four minutes later, the ambulance pulledinto the driveway.

Hi!

So, you have interesting threads here, and it will be neat to see where you take this story and these characters that you've introduced. I suppose my main note here is that this isn't exactly as emotionally jarring as I feel like it should be. Maybe it's because we don't know the girl, Lila; I suppose you had your note at the beginning, and this isn't a prologue so usually there isn't too much detail, but there has to be something.

For instance, we are never told who the man is that she finds in the car; I suppose it would still be very scarring for a little girl to a scene like this even if she didn't know the guy, but even if she did, it would add a whole layer of dimension. You also say that she recognized the smell and the sight; where? What happened to her?

I would also try to channel some more of her thoughts as she's trying to rescue the man and calling 911. Is she frantic? Is she trying to remember once what her parents told her in the case of an emergency? What does her voice sound like when she's on the phone?

In addition, I would try to develop your beginning a bit more. It's a bit bland as it is, and doesn't hook us into the story. Instead of telling us who she is right away, introduce her. Then, somehow, either she can or someone else can bring up her name and other things like that; make it seem natural.

I hope this helps! Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to shoot me a note if you have any questions/comments.

~ Elinor

Her name was Lila. She was 9 years old. She was walking home from school when she saw the smoke. It billowed out from around the garage door, black and deathly. She knew immdiately what it was. She'd seen it before.

Car smoke. Someone was trying to commit suicide. With a fit of coughing, she pried the door open. All she could see were masses of the awful, billowing smoke, everywhere. She felt panic whelling up inside her.

She backed away from the garage, trying to set her thoughts staight. She called 9-1-1 on a nearby pay-phone.

"Hello?" a lady answered.

"I'm at 1332, West 3rd street. I need an ambulence."

"What happened, dear?"

"Someone's in the garage...car's on...I don't know who," she said as she tried to make sense of her scattered thoughts.

She breathed in a stray wisp of smoke and burst into coughs.

"Hunny, are you a safe distance away?"

"No-yes, well right now I am. But I-I'm going to go in there...try to get whoever it is out."

"Deary, that could be dangerous-"

"I know, I'll use my ingaler before. But could you please send an ambulance?"

"Yes dear, help is on the way but-"

"Good, thanks. Bye." She hung up before the lady could say anything else.She took a moment to steal herself and took a deep breath. She ran into the dark smoke. She hit her knee hard on the rear right tire. She gasped.
One hand on the car, the other in front of her, she made her way to the driver's side. She opened the door, the man inside's arm slid out, his feet on the dashboard.

She turned the car off. As she pulled him out, his foot got caught on the seat belt, but she couldn't see in the darkness. She pulled as hard as possible. It was loosed and she fell over backwards, losing her grip on his shoulders. She worked her way back to him, but not seeing where he was in the darkness, stepped on his ankle with a sickening crunch. By now, Lila was seeing dots, or at least she thought she was, everything was black. He seemed to get heavier by the second, and he was already at least twice her size.

Just a few feet from the exit, her asthma finally got the better of her. She fainted.

Four minutes later, the ambulance pulledinto the driveway.