Bad Day.

Hello (wow I had to type that 3 times before I capitalized the h).

"Want some?"

Lily had had a rough day. Shawn, a boy she'd had a crush, had asked her out. Lily'd been excited to tell her friend, Travis, about her date. Travis wasn't so excited. They had a fight, and both left angry.

First, I'll say that I love how the story is told through a flash back pretty much. But to fix the first part, I would suggest something along the lines of, "Lily, so far, was having a rough day. Shawn, a boy she had a crush on, had asked her out." Something like that. However, if Travis is her friend, he is being pretty blunt. He wasn't excited. Tell us why he wasn't excited and why they had a fight.

She'd refused to let it spoil her date and had been decidedly cheerful as she made her way to the restaurant in her car.
At the resaurant, she'd waited for Shawn. For two hours. She'd finally started back, trying to make it home before she started crying. But, of course, the car broke down on the way. She had to get out, in her new high heels, and walked down the streets. It was late, so Lily didn't notice the dog turd until after she'd stepped in it. By then, her mascara was running down her face.

You could emphasize the two hours by showing how time had passed. "But she sat there for an hour and that hour became two." is an example. For two hours seems to be too short. The underlined part doesn't accurately describe a way to get home either. You may want to think about simply stating, "She had decided to head home". Started back sounds a little awkward. The last sentence seemed so out of place as well. It's like you were looking for things to throw in and realized this. It would fit better if you put it when she began to cry.

So when a girl smoking pot by a dumpster asked her if she wanted some, her guard was down.
"I don't know, isn't it bad... for your health?" Lily asked. The girl's friend laughed at Lily's question.
"You don't smoke it for your health," the friend said, "You smoke it so you don't have to feel."
Lily knew that drugs were bad. She knew how easy it was to get addicted, how it made your teeth weird, and ravaged your health. But right then, she didn't care. She cared how awful that day had been. Not feeling sounded good right then.
"Sure."

From the first smoke, Lily's life dissolved into want.

I think after would fit better than "from". Though I loved how you refered to the random girl as a 'friend'. After all, we make stupid decisions when we're having a terrible day. Overall, this piece could use some polish. But once you're done with that, it'll be a great piece. Keep writing and good luck.

This is okay, but I don't think you pulled off the choppy, plain sentencing. VERY few writers can. This just comes off as unskilled writing to me.
Although, I liked your last sentence there, and I enjoyed the story line. It's just the writing I didn't enjoy.

Hmm, I would have enjoyed it more if you had put a little more description into maybe the setting, emotions... Anything along those lines. If you had intentionally made it so it would be a short piece but told the story, then I think it's good. After all, some contests only take certain amounts of words.

Still, though, there's a lot you could do with the description- after all, you keep it fast-paced an eventful, the tone changing quickly, giving even more opportunities.

Anyways, I know you're bored with me ranting about description, so I'll move on.

I did enjoy the story, though- humans can be very weak, emotionally. If I were in her place, I would be willing to do stupid things too. I wouldn't necessarily do drugs, but that's just me.

I did like how you didn't do short, choppy sentences that are just usually boring. I hate those.

Overall, I enjoyed the story- I was fairly entertained. Keep it up.

I like how this story is easily relatable to most teenagers out there. I also like how you built up the progressingly worse day in order to explain why someone like Lily would do something like that. You didn't write bullet point reasons for Lily's wanting to smoke pot. And that's a good thing.
However the third sentence doesn't seem to work for me:

"Shawn, a boy she'd had a crush, had asked her out"

Get rid of the contractions and this says: "Shawn, a boy she had had a crush, had asked her out"

That's three "hads" in one sentence! Not to mention the fact that if she "had had" a crush on him, that means she ONCE liked him, but not anymore. Also, you should probably add the word "on" at the end of crush.
So here's a simple revised version:

"Shawn, a boy she had a crush on, had asked her out"

I feel that this story might be perceived as a little bit too blunt, as in "She did this and then she did that, and THEN she did THAT afterward" Changing your sentence structure might benefit you some.

We have all had those bad-to-worse days. However, I find it unnecessary for Lily to step into the dog turd before she starts smoking pot. The worst thing that has happened to her all day is most likely being abandoned by the guy she really likes on her date. Stepping in a dog turd wouldn't really be the last straw for me. By that point I probably wouldn't care either way (if I had been Lily). By having her event with (or without) Shawn be the last thing that happens to her before she smokes, this shows how much the whole fiasco hurt her.

Also, the word "restaurant" is spelled wrong. But that is an easy fix.

Anyways, I hope this review comes in handy and keep writing!