*because his absence inspired me..*
I.
I leave the door open, hoping you'll come home again
Your favorite flower sits in a vase on my drawer
The petals fall to the floor, they're not red anymore;
The air turned cold and I start to grow old
But I'll wait for you
When I'm on my own, I feel so alone,
I wish I had known
[chorus]
With a sigh, I start to cry and look to the sky
And hear your lullaby
The melody carries me the sweet memory of melancholy
And I wonder why
You chose to fly and follow the sky,
And bid me goodbye
II.
I walk on the sand and remember when I held your hand
Before our eyes, the fireflies danced in the night
Like a fairy tale, we gladly sailed away
But the air just grew cold and I began to feel old
Still I'll wait for you, dear I'm telling you
When I'm on my own, I feel so alone,
I wish I had known
[chorus]
With a sigh, I start to cry and look to the sky
And hear your lullaby
The melody carries me the sweet memory of melancholy
And I wonder why
You chose to fly and follow the sky,
You chose to fly and follow the sky,
Why did you fly to follow the sky
And left me goodbye
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hi again, telle!
Alright, so for me, the chorus and the very first stanza were amazing. I read it slowly and it really made sense. However, the second stanza felt kind of pointless. You just said they were walking on the beach watching fireflies and stuff and it just didn't do anything for me. I can see how this can fit into a song, but for some reason I think it works really well as a poem.
Great job again with rhyming. But I notice that you rhyme a lot of 'easy' words. Sky, cry, why. Floor, drawer, anymore. Own, alone, known. These are all fairly overused and predictable. Expanding your vocabulary can help you branch out with some more interesting rhymes, but then again it might sound strange in a song. Well, just food for thought.
Hope I helped!
thanks stephene.
and sorry for the late reply.
yeah, i sing songs myself, my own compositions. that's the only way i can express what i feel.
i'm gonna post others, and i hope i can read some of your works too.
-telle.
I had to take my guitar and sing it :O
i great melody. Do you sing your self?
i think the ending goodbye was kinda pointless.
over all the thing was very mature, simple but interesting.
keep writing and posting ill be reading more of your work.
Stay motivated
Yours Truly
- Stephene
NICE.