Her eyes
Piercing through mine
Glowing garnet with rage
Menacing and condemning me
Pitiless
Her eyes
Stabbing through my mind
Torturing and tormenting it
Scarring it permanently
Agonizing
Her eyes
Burning my skin
Hating me dreadfully
Condescending me
Her eyes
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,704 Reviews
Mhm. I feel this is how my ex feels about me right now. Very good! I will definetly save and remember this one.
Yes, I liked the passion, as well. It truly seemed to be written from true emotion. It was phrased a bit oddly, which took away from the flow, so I suggest that you work on that. Other than that, it was a very nice poem! Work on it, and it'll be perfect!
Okay, her eyes are doing all these things, but so what?
This is a poem all about this girl's eyes, but I think it would be more meaningful if we knew more about the effect of all this on the other person. All of these things are happening to the "me" of the poem, yet I feel like I'm reading something in third person. The connection isn't there, you know? Why are the eyes condescending? Why are they hating?
Each stanza concentrates on one aspect of the body, but I think this makes it seem disjointed, like the images are made to hurry up so that the poem can progress to the next part. Maybe concentrate on one specific part and stick with one image. The strongest is the second stanza, where the eyes torture and scar the mind. Then, instead of a list of synonyms for the eyes tearing apart whatever feature they're currently fixed on, it could show a little more.
Nice. A bit different, painful without being angst. I liked the imagery. Passionate. You could add a verse or two, though. This version seemed to end too quickly.
I really liked it.
Like tennisprincess said, the passion was great.
Please, keep writing.
Her eyes
Piercing through mine (tacky was my first thought on lines 1 and 2)
Glowing garnet with rage
Menacing and condemning me
Pitiless (AHA, however I was wrong. The rest of this verse much more than makes up for the tackiness of the first 2 lines)
Her eyes
Stabbing through my mind (very good)
Torturing and tormenting it
Scarring it permanently (I think this didn't flow that well, this one line. The rest was great).
Agonizing
Her eyes
Burning my skin
Hating me dreadfully (NICE!!!)
Condescending me
Her eyes (very good)
I like this piece. Welcome to YWS. This makes me wonder.. I feel it was written of a true emotion, very true and raw. I like it a lot. I understand and feel all the passion. I just had trouble with some lines and it may need a it of tweaking but its okay.
7.5/10
some good description btw