Prologue
Hunter
25th May 2004
“Where is she, Fabian?” Zelina Nȃthar, the leader of the Phorean Dynasty, demanded, pacing around the throne room with her midnight black robes trailing behind her.
She wasn’t gonna let this go anytime soon.
Me, Zelina, and Fabian stood inside the throne room, desperately trying to negotiate a truce to halt the war from going any further. The turquoise walls which were once engraved with delicate golden mandalas, were fading fast, (they did during wars, due to the core values of Caelindria being lost), the white marble floors were covered in charcoal grey dust, one throne was empty and another one was where a very distressed Fabian sat, resting his head against his hands.
Zelina had the whole kingdom in fear.
“As I’ve just said Zelina, Estelle is being questioned by our law keepers-”“Questioned?!?” Zelina shook her head in disbelief, with her ebony black curls swishing from left to right. “What right do you have to question my daughter? She’s 10 years old for god’s sake, why on earth would she be involved in mine and Castiel’s alliance?”
“I don’t know, I just want to keep my kingdom safe, that’s all,” Fabian responded, sitting on his throne. “This kingdom is everything to me, my entire life will be devoted to keeping every citizen, including our apprentices and children, including my Hereissa safe. I will not take threats from you-”
“Really?” She burst into a cynical laughter. “Threats, eh? Well, let’s do a deal shall we?”
“What do you mean by deal?” I asked, standing at the doors of the throne rooms with my arms folded.
“What I mean by deal, Zak, is that Fabian hands over my daughter, and in exchange I might consider leaving his own child alone,” She said, turning to look at me. “Where is she by the way?”“With her mother, not that it’s any concern of yours,” Fabian said, sternly. “When you say consider-”“I will consider it. Now, due to the nature of our recent confrontations, I can’t guarantee that she won’t suffer any serious injury-”“You leave her alone!” He snapped, with his hands glowing with amber fire light.. “You leave my daughter alone! She’s done nothing to harm you, or your kingdom-”“Zelina, she’s three years old.” I said, reminding her of the facts. “And? She’s 50% human, Zak, which makes her the weakest monarch that Caelindria will ever have,” She lifted down the hood of her robe, picking up the dust of our two deceased palace guards. “Is that what you really want for your kingdom, Fabian? To know that when you die, which you will do soon, believe me, that your kingdom will be in the hands of a half-blood? The Hefda must already be contaminated, god knows what it’ll be like by the time she reaches seventeen.”
It was all very well and good that Fabian and Hannah had managed to produce an heir, but due to Hannah still being 100% human, it was likely that when Hereissa reached the age, her abilities were going to be diluted and weakened. Weakened to the point where her magical and historical knowledge would either have to be self taught, told or even nothing at all.
Which could’ve been fatal for the kingdom.
“You stop,” Fabian stood up.“You stop talking right now.”“Why should I? Can’t you handle reality, Fabian? The truth about your precious little girl is it all a bit much to handle?”
“No, Fabian just wants to keep Hereissa at home for as long as he possibly can,” I interrupted, thinking of my own child. “I was a father too, you know.”
Back in the mortal world.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” She clenched her fist and released a flurry of midnight black sparks through the smashed window onto the East Lands.“Oops, sorry about that, my bad.”
“What have you done-”
“Your majesty, your ailwin,” Wesley Adonis shouted, the former leader of the Torfa, addressing Fabian and myself. “110 warriors have fallen, I repeat 110 warriors have fallen.”“Is that what that magic has just done? Have you just killed our warriors?” Fabian demanded, rising from the throne, with his eyebrows lowered in anger.
“Maybe-” She said, smugly, before being interrupted.“Fabian!” Hannah shouted, running to the room, with the three year old Hereissa by her side. Her chocolate brown hair had been tied into a messy bun, her eyes were red as if she’d been crying, there was a scratch at the side of her pale cheek. She looked as though she’d been in the wars herself. “Where on earth have you been? Me and Hereissa have been looking for you everywhere.” She ran up to Fabian, who held her tightly in her arms.
“I’m here my darling, I’m here,” He said. “Hereissa, sweetheart, go to Hunter.”“Why?” She asked, biting the side of her turquoise blue dress, in anxiety.
“Just do as I say-”
“Hello Hereissa,” Zelina said, bending down to her height. “It’s nice to see you again. I’m your Auntie Zelina.”
“Auntie Zelina.” She repeated, wandering across the dusted marble floor, clueless to who she was really speaking too.
“Hey darling,” I said, lifting her up on my shoulder, wary of what Zelina’s intentions may be. “Why don’t you come and see your Uncle Hunter?”
“Uncle Hunter.”
“Aww,” Zelina walked over to us. “How sweet. I assume that she reminds you of your own daughter, right? You know the one who you left to grow up without a father-”“I left Lauren because it was best for her and for me. She didn’t deserve to grow up with a failure of a father like me, she deserved the best. The best family, the best friends and the best opportunities. I would’ve just got in the way of that.”“When you put it like that,” She looked at Hannah and Fabian, who had their eyes fixed upon her every move. “I suppose you did make the right decision. I don’t know why you’re looking so scared, I’m not gonna do anything to her but I will to him,” She clenched both her fists and aimed them in Wesley’s direction. “Say something nice.”“What? Why?”
“Surely you want to die on a positive note don’t you? Knowing that your very last words were something nice.”“No-”Seconds later, a flurry of scarlet red sparks came out of Zelina’s hands, burning Wesley to nothing more than a set of charcoal grey ashes on the floor. Unlike Caelites, Phorean monarchs had to learn magic, magic which could take them years to learn, control and perfect. But the funny thing was, due the Phorean lack of advances in healing and science, they followed the exact same magical laws that we did.
“No!” Hannah screamed, bursting into tears. “No! No!”
“We will get you back for this, rest assured-”“Sorry Hannah but it had to be done,” Zelina looked at Hereissa. “Unless you want it to be her next, then surely you’ll see sense and understand why you need to give her to the mortal carers.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi, so this is my first rewrite, what do you think?
Hi, sunlightwarrior! Welcome to YWS ^^ I'm so glad to see you've already posted two works and written 8 reviews! That's awesome. So I wanted to stop by an leave a review on your work :3
I'll start off with some line notes and then go into general notes.
First of all, I think you have an interesting idea here! We get some hints about the world, from the fact that their are different kingdoms that appear to be at war, there seems to be some other kind of race (or maybe even deities, from the fact that Zelina calls Zak -- Hunter? -- a formal mortal), and some magic involved! I'd be interested in knowing more
The beginning of the prologue was a bit confusing to me because you start right off with dialogue, which is totally fine, but you don't take a step back to set up the scene. Describe the room, describe the rest of the characters who are in the room, let us know who is talking. Like who is the "he" in this sentence? I assume it's Fabian, but it's unclear and I don't know if there is anyone else there.
Another important thing is I did not know that this prologue was in first person, which really should be something you introduce almost immediately! It was jarring to think "oh, this is written in the perspective of a different character and not Zelina?" This would also be revealed with setting up the scene.
This is one of my favorite thing to tell people, but show us, don't tell us! This feels like just an aside for the benefit of telling the reader what is going on in this world, and it doesn't fit in the thoughts of our perspective character. Just show us the magic, give maybe a small description of what the narrator knows, and let us infer that this is the power of the monarchs. It's not as interesting if you just tell us the information!
My first quick note is that sometimes you separate dialogue out per line, but sometimes you have paragraphs where multiple characters are speaking to one another, such as below:
As you might be able to see, this is pretty confusing to read. As well, in this paragraph, the main character suddenly chimes in and it's even more confusing. I'd say just separate out the dialogue by starting a new line every time a new character speaks. If you feel like you have a lot of empty space and just dialogue because of it, then that's you cue that you need to add in more narration! Talk about what the characters are doing, how they're moving, what their facial expressions are or anything else in the narration to break up the dialogue.
I also have a couple of quick notes about the narrator: is their name Hunter of Zak? Or is Hunter their title and Zak their name? I'm very confused. The other thing is I know nothing about this character, and since this section is written in their perspective, they're the important one! It really felt like this section focused way more on Zelina and Fabian than it did on Zak/Hunter! In your narration, you should add in Zak's thoughts and emotions. How does he feel about Zelina from the start? How does it change by the end? Is he anxious and nervous around her or is he confident and annoyed? What is his purpose? Why is he in the throne room with the other monarchs? There is a lot of omitted information that makes this section difficult to follow.
Final thing is that there is a lot that happened in a not very short period of time, and I would have liked the focus to either have stayed on "Zelina is here making vague threats about what could happen" or shifted to "The Phoreans are attacking and wrecking havoc and the monarchs have to figure out what is happening." In my opinion, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to have both of these events crammed into one prologue, because these are typically supposed to be short and sweet and highlight some information that doesn't fit well into the rest of the story! So maybe think about what the purpose of this prologue is and narrow your focus onto that ^^
I know that I had a lot of critique, and I apologize if I came across as harsh. I just want to provide you with some tools that I think would really help improve your writing. I think you have a great idea, and it's just polishing up the execution so that your story can really shine to other readers
Happy writing!
~ Wolfe
Thank you so much for the review! This is a first draft, so these critiques will be extremely helpful for polishing and refining the piece.
Zak is meant to be Hunter's mortal (human) name - he died mortally and joined Caelindria in 2001
This is incredible for a prologue!
Although I would say, try to make each person's speech different from the others so that you can tell who is talking. Just a little something you can work on to make your writing even better!
Thank you for the review!
Hello, LUNAR here with a review!
Let's get straight to it.
Wonder what's going to happen.
This is a very large paragraph, and it's also all conversation. You might want to break it into smaller parts because it get very confusing to read when its just in one huge hunk.
This is really weird, do you mean they hear people screaming?
You also do it again here, but this makes even less sense.
I think you meant to say
Overall, I found this very confusing. You had a lot of names and this was all conversation, al it really got me lost in what was happening. I only saw 1 grammar mistake, besides that everything looked good. Can't wait to read what you write next!
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
Thank you for the review - this is a first draft there's a lot of polishing that I need to do so this critique will be veru helpful