Hunter
“Time of death, 10:34am, Cause of Death, Phorean Poison,” Dr Fernwould began, closing his leather case of healer equipment. “I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing more we can do for him-”“Oh, Fabian! I’m so sorry! If you hadn't pushed me away from the Phorean, then none of this would’ve happened!” Elise Beckshiel cried, pressing her face into his body.
She was only fifteen years old.
“You were the greatest monarch that we’d had in a while,” Her mentor Joseph Lightwood said, with a tear running down his once bright and buzzy face. Usually he would be so happy, always laughing, enjoying Caelindrian life, but today, as it was for us all, it looked as though every aspect of joy had been sucked out of him. “We will miss you so much.”
That being happy was nothing more than a distant memory.
“Hunter, sir, seeing as you are the only official still left with us, what would you like me to do with his body?” Dr Fernwould asked, opening his record log to log his death.
This was the worst day that Caelindria had ever faced.
“Once you’ve recorded it, would you place it in the Gyrell for now?”
“Of course, sir-”“Who,” Elise lifted her head from his body. “Who will take, take over now he’s dead?”“Hereissa, of course. She is the heir to the kingdom after all.” I said, realising that I would have to go to Earth within the next 24 hours.
Which wasn’t something that I really wanted to do.
“Hereissa? Hereissa? The half-blood? For god’s sake Hunter, I thought that you knew better than this. Half-bloods are contaminated with blood of another race, therefore affecting their ability to rule and control the Paladin,” Elise snapped, rising from the stone sariel (the stone which our bodies lay upon until funerals). “Are you really gonna put us all at risk for the sake of his daughter?”
“What I think that Hunter is trying to say here, Elise, is that it’s hardwired within Hereissa’s nature to rule our kingdom. I understand that you’re concerned that her blood status will make us vulnerable to further attack from Zelina, but once her body becomes Caelindrian, the Heresei, will be able to eradicate her human blood and convert her to fully Caelindrian, therefore making her pure blooded and the right and only person to take over this kingdom, ok?” Joseph said, in an attempt to calm her down from having one of her deadly emotional outbursts.
She’d seem to have a habit of having them at the moment.
“Are you really that stupid?!” Elise retaliated, swishing her fiery red hair to the side of her armour. “Joseph, you’re meant to be my mentor for god’s sake. You’re meant to be seeing things from my point of view here, understand what I’m saying. Pure blooded or not, Hereissa’s return will pose a danger for the kingdom, a danger for our children, our teenagers, and our adults-”“I understand, Elise, but Hereissa has a right to return to her kingdom-”“The girl hasn’t been here for almost fifteen years, for god’s sake. She probably remembers nothing about here, do you really think that as soon as she returns her ability to rule will be the same as a father’s? She’s 50% human for crying out loud, that blood inside her is gonna degrade her ability to rule, hence why it’s a bad idea to let her come back,” She turned to look at me. “Come on Hunter, surely you can see where I’m coming from here?”“Well, I don’t know-”“Thanks for your support here, Hunter(!) Nice to know where we stand!” She said, sarcastically.
“Elise, come on-”“Don’t tell me to come on,” She said, wiping tears from her emerald green eyes, as if she was going to cry again. “Joseph, you’re meant to be my best friend and you’re siding with an official over mel.”“I’ve got to see things from both sides, Elise-”“Both sides? You should be seeing things from my side, not his.” She interrupted, folding her arms like a typical teenager. “Elise, mate, come on. You know how much our friendship means to me,” Joseph said walking up to comfort her. “If you need to have a talk, then we can talk, just tell me when and I’ll-.”
“Talk? I’ve nothing to say to you. In fact,” She started to walk backwards towards the stone stairs. “I want nothing to do with you. Neither of you. Just leave me alone!”
End of chapter
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Wow, I love this! I really appreciate how you're already building us an idea of the relationships between the characters, and the political atmosphere of our setting. Also, some of the social dynamics as well! One critique, the language feels a little modern. Is that what you were going for, or not?
I'm also very interested in the circumstances surrounding Fabian's death. Also, I'm intrigued by Elise's relationship with Fabian. Are they lovers? Does she not want this Hereissa coming to Caelindria because she's the daughter of Fabian and another woman? Very interesting.
Overall, I really like this beginning! It leaves the reader excited and curious for more, with lots of opportunities to answer questions in the following chapters.
ahh! it's so beautifully crafted. i was in the world of imagination. i loved all the characters , especially hereissa. the beginning as well as the end- both are interesting. the beginning is really intriguing- it catchhes the reader's attention. you have nailed the story! the rivalry for the throne, the argument for hereissa's return- those are really beautiful.your vocabulary, writing style- both are appreciable.the flow is also good. flawless in one word.
i hope i have helped you. thanks for giving me the opportunity to read this beautiful story.