“Who are you, and how did you get in here? If people hear me talking to you-”“Don’t worry, don’t worry, they can’t hear or see me, only you can” I invited her to sit on her bed. “Sit down.”
“What’s your name?”
“Hunter Mackintosh.”
“Ok, sure. Wait what do you mean that I can only hear and see you?”
“I know this might come as a bit of a shock, but umm,” I took a deep breath. “I’m dead.”
"You're dead? Wait, am I seeing dead people?!? Oh my god, I’m like that kid off that film, The Sixth Sense, I’m seeing dead people?!?” She burst out into a nervous laugh. “Wait, does that mean I need a psychologist then?”
“In a way, but you’re seeing dead people for a special reason.”
“A special reason?!? Look if I have some supernatural power, then you better tell me.” She demanded.
This was gonna be difficult to explain.
“No, no, there’s no easy way for me to say this, but your father’s dead, Maisie-”
“I know, he died in a car crash. Evan Campbell his name was."
”Evan Campbell? Who told you that?”“Jonathan and Pamela. Now if that’s all you wanted to say, then you need to go, because I’m meant to be packing shopping away-”
“But you aren't, are you?” I looked up at her. “Why did you want to come upstairs, Maisie?”“I just needed some space-”“Space? Why?”
“Harriet was annoying me-”“Yes, she may have been but that was after you made that decision. So,” I took a deep breath. “It was your Hefda, or as you know it your subconscious, telling you too.”“Hefda?”
“Subconscious.”
“My subconscious? Look, if you’re tryna say that I’m possessed then I would rather you just hurry up and say it-”
Possessed?
“No, now this may come as a bit of a shock, but you’re a monarch.”“Haha, very funny.” She said, laughing off my revelation. “What? I’m being serious.”“Me? A monarch? Yeah, right,” She looked up at my serious face expression. “You’re not being serious are you?”
“Yep.”
“How?” She said, folding her arms in suspicion.
“You’re, you’re an heir Maisie.” I revealed, anxious of how she was going to react.
“An heir?"
"How?”
“Your name is Hereissa Vurisch and you are an heir to the throne of a Kingdom called Caelindria. I’ve been sent here to assist your claim of the kingdom, and to act as your legal guardian on your father’s wishes. You need to come home.”
And now she knew.
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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I love the idea that she is an heir to a kingdom and an ordinary girl. I'm interested to see her connections to the kingdom and the storyline and the connections that the main character, the ghost has. I like the concept of diving right into dialogue, but perhaps you could describe her shock when the ghost first approached her. Or perhaps, after the first line, write a brief interval explaining what happened:
"Who are you, and how did you get in here?"
Then give a short description by the ghost of the their reluctance, goal, in a vague manner which expresses the importance of your mission yet how hard its going to be. Maybe some names and say something like 'The king sent me here, thinking that I could somehow coax her into coming back to the kingdom' Like a personal journal and the thoughts going through their mind as the girl reacts. Just as a short follow-up and to illustrate the ghosts role. Maybe even references such as, 'when I was human, I was just the same' just to familiarise the audience with the character.
This was done well in the line "this was gonna be difficult to explain".
Very interesting story
“Who are you, and how did you get in here? If people hear me talking to you-”“Don’t worry, don’t worry, they can’t hear or see me, only you can” I invited her to sit on her bed. “Sit down.”
I didn't get that. I invited her to sit on the bed indicates that you invited her. i think these sentences should be written as -
"Who are you, and how did you get in here? If people hear me talking to you" she said
"Don't worry, don't worry, they can't hear or see me, only you can" I replied.
then you can continue as it is.
ok. overall, of course, it is a good piece of writing but you have to work with the dialogues- i don't mean the style of saying... i mean that sometimes it's unclear who's speaking. you need to make that clear. there are many places like that. i already highlighted one. other that that, it's great- one imagery story. i liked it.
i hope i have helped you. looking for the other chapters