Heya steam, I am so determined to get through all five parts of your short story. I have once promised that I would review everything that you ever posted. So here I am showing it to the first one, while also doing RevMo. Let's begin,shall we?
Steam, I am still astounded by your beautiful writing talent. I felt like I was inside the dream, that we were somehow connected through this story that was also your dream. I liked all of the fast-paced action on this, because it's just my type of story, you know? You didn't rush with it though, I didn't really feel like that happened. A dream in your head just happens so quickly, so that's probably why you chose to narrate this that way.
When you go to a bank during opening hours, you expect to get some service from the cashiers.
I honestly am in strong favor of those first sentence that "hook you" straight into the story. That make you want to read on. And I trusting my own judgement think that this isn't one of those sentences. The reason being, is that the content in this sentence is pretty obvious, I know what a bank is supposed to look like. I think that most people expect what you expected in this first sentence. Under normal circumstances anyways.
The speaker behind me, a posh-sounding woman,
At first, I thought that the "speaker" was a technical speaker, like one that you connect to your computer or device to project sound. Then I quickly get an answer in the next sentence that this is a woman that is speaking. That bit kind of confused me, so I would maybe rephrase that so I could understand that this is actually a person speaking. (oh and btw, I almost laughed at the image that i got in my head when you said "posh-sounding woman."-it just projects a funny picture in my head )
“I’ve been waiting here for… oh, about ten minutes now.”
I don't really get the sense of time here, like how should I know that it was ten minutes? If the MC hadn't said anything, I would have thought that she was here only one minute or so.Maybe you should show some signs or indication or her pacing, or touching/clicking her watch before she announced the time period in which she has been waiting in.
“There’s something out there,” stammered one, a presumably Muslim girl wearing a headscarf. “It’s coming for everyone…”
There came a loud crash from outside.
While reading this, I was kind of doubting that this happened so quickly. From the warning to the crash. In movies(the ones that I like to watch at least) there usually is a pause, or a frozen moment in between the warning and action. I have come to appreciate that element, and I would really like to see you describe that frozen moment in between, because in my opinion, that would make this particular scene perfect.
Things were moving outside, at speed.
If things are moving, then of course they are moving with speed. If it's slow speed, or fast speed, or in between. The prepositional phrase "at speed" isn't really that necessary here, just because of the fact that you need to describe the pace, so that I get a clearer picture. I'm assuming that it's fast and high speed, because that is what you've been hinting at, and giving clues about, but I'm not that sure.
I swear in all my life I’ve never screamed so loudly as I did back then.
I don't know why I just noticed this, but it seems that although you have chosen past tense, I think that present tense would match your "dreaming mood" more, since in your head, the dream is happening right now. It doesn't really seem like it happened "back then."
but to my surprise all were running in one direction.
I wasn’t even sure why I wasn’t surprised anymore.
The break between surprise and no surprise was maybe one paragraph, and it didn't seem like enough time for me personally. Also, I didn't really see you show the emotion of surprise, you just kind of stated that she was surprised and then why she was surprised.
I could only think of one word to describe what I saw; devastation.
I think that this probably could be enough, instead of dedicating that whole paragraph for trying to tell the readers what had happened on the common streets. But again,that's just only my opinion and you are the author so you can give or take.
It felt like this was very well-crafted, and written in a longer period then 3 hours, which is honestly a compliment. I just have a question, is the MC in the dream actually steam or is it just another character girl playing in this short story?
Overall, the last sentence was such an amazing cliffhanger. I really really really wanted to keep on reading almost immediately, because it was just so terrifying yet inviting to flip to the next page (or click the next button ...) I hope that this review helps you improve in anyway, and if you have any questions or comments you know where to find me.
Your twinsie,
Pretzel
P.S. we need to skype soon. Kay?
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
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