17:58 ~~
~~~~~~~~~
It turned out I hadn’t killed the guy when he started to move. Even so, I didn’t think his feelings towards me would be especially favourable, considering I’d just bashed him over the head with a saucepan. In Tangled Rapunzel knocks Flynn Rider out because he’s just broken into her tower. Whereas here I was, an invader myself, having just knocked out an innocent person – oh irony of ironies – in a tower.
“Why the…” The guy’s eyes were still slightly glazed as he struggled to focus on me. His speech was slightly slurred, and I really hoped I hadn’t done him any permanent damage. “Did you just attack me?”
It had been two minutes ago, actually, but I wasn’t going to argue the point. I backed off a little. “Um, yes, I did. Sorry about that.”
He rubbed his head, tried to sit up and decided the pain wasn’t worth the bother. “Do you attack everyone you meet?”
I unclenched my fingers, dropping the saucepan on the floor with a loud clatter. “Sorry. Today’s kind of a special exception.”
“Today. Yes.” He nodded and seemed to regret that movement too. “To be honest, I didn’t realise anyone else had survived the initial…”
“Yeah. I think there might be a few of us, actually.”
The guy reached into his pocket, pulling out a phone. “You got a name, or should I just call you Saucepan Girl?”
I frowned. I could usually tell when a guy was chatting me up, but he didn’t seem to be. Hardly surprising, really. I cleared my throat. “My name’s Kastyn.”
“Oh, really? Not heard that name before.” He was tapping at the screen thoughtfully, then put it to his ear. “Uh, my name’s Drak.”
“Drak?” I frowned. Well, at least he hadn’t made fun of my unusual name. “What’s that short for then? Drake? Draco? Dracula?”
“Something unpronounceable.” He held out his phone to me. He seemed remarkably quick to forgive my earlier assault. Maybe, like me, he was just holding out for normality to come back, or perhaps – and I rather suspected the latter – he was just a little unused to people. “Here. Take a look at this, Kastyn. What do you see?”
I squinted down at the iPhone screen. “No signal.”
“No signal. Exactly. It’s the same all round town. And the Wi-Fi is down everywhere too.” He was back at his computer as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and I realised then why he had chosen the lighthouse as his hideout.
“How much longer until the generators give out, then?”
“Not long.” He looked frustrated. “I’m using them to charge every electrical appliance I can find.”
“Here.” I handed him my BlackBerry. “Charge this too.”
Drak gave me the kind of look that said, you knock me out with a saucepan and now you’re wanting me to charge your mobile phone for you? Finally he said grudgingly, “OK, I can do it, if you’ve got a charger cable.”
Just then the baby began to cry. Drak looked alarmed. “Jesus, what the hell is that?”
“It’s the baby.”
His expression went from alarmed to thunderstruck. “You have a baby?”
“Uh, yeah. It’s not mine, but long story.” I brought the baby forward for his inspection, and dumped it into his arms. “It was abandoned in someone’s car.”
“Oh lord. Have you got any bottle formula?”
“There was a bottle of something in the boot of the car, but I don’t have much of it with me.” I held it up. Maybe Drak knew more about kids than I did. I wouldn’t have thought anything was particularly impossible, given my general inexpertise and of course today’s events. “Do you think it’s hungry?”
He looked appalled. “You can’t call a baby it. Is… um… the baby… a boy or a girl?”
“Dunno.”
He looked even more appalled. “Well, haven’t you checked?”
“Drak, I’ve got more important things to do with my time than inspect a baby’s genitalia.”
Just then an almighty smell filled the air. I swear it was like all the world’s sewers had joined to form one large cesspit, that was how bad the stench was. I looked at Drak and he looked at me. It was the kind of look that passes between a mother and a father in these kinds of situations.
“Well,” mumbled Drak, who had turned faintly green, “I think we’re soon going to find out.”
[To be continued]
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,284 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hello steam. Here I am to review part 4 of your series. I'm so sorry again, that I'm being kind of late, but I was busy with other requested reviews this point. This is probably going to be a shorter review since this looks like it's a shorter chapter, but that's ok with me.
Anyways, let's begin, shall we?
I honestly just fill like this is a filler chapter, the reason being is that it seems like you focus the whole thing on the baby and the introduction of names, etc. when I am sure that they are more urgent things to do. If you ever decide to go back and review this plot-line, I would honestly suggest that you could maybe focus on the more important action or something that is going on around them, if you see what I mean.
I do like, however, how Kastyn seems to have grown up a little bit and developed more as a character, which is expected because now she has to take care of another person-the baby- and not just herself. That decision is some instantaneous growing up. So despite her obvious poor maternal instincts, which are probably little to none, at least she is a better more grown up person because of the baby.
This was probably my favorite line out of this whole section, the reason being that it kind of got a smile out of me. Because in truth, I do imagine Kastyn attacking everyone that she meets, it's kind of encoded/embedded in her survival instincts of her.
Now, let's get onto some things that we can work more on:
I think one way that you could definitely include some more emotion here, is if you actually would consider how Kastyn feels, after two minutes, when she finds out that Drak is actually alive and dead-probably relief from the shame that she would have felt if she truly did kill him. I feel like you just skipped over that whole needed reactions to that irony and analogy of Rapunzel, but it would be great if you could get-even something as short as one sentence into that first paragraph.
I was pretty confused here, because I don't really understand what he meant by the first phrase. I know that he probably feels very disoriented, but I still think that you should writ e Why did so that he could finish his line of though, with an interruption as quick as a breath or something.
This whole dialogue is kind of useless, because to me it really seems like there is absolutely no point in discussing the origin of his name(and there is no definite answer here). After all, Kastyn herself admits that although she does has a very unusual name, she is glad that he didn't really care about it that much. Why would she care about his name now? Plus, as a side note, I kind of feels like it's a waste of time figuring out these nicknames a little bit, if you see what I mean.
Although the reader is curious about the gender, then again what does it even matter to the story whether the baby i a boy or a girl? Kastyn is right here that there are way more important things to do, and I agree with her. My question is, why does she even bother defending herself and filling it in for Drak? I mean, she could have just ignored him, or not responded unnecessarily. Again, I feel like they should be concentrating on the thing that matters most: their survival and protection. And that the main thing that I'm having trouble with in this chapter steam. I think that you could/should reflect this in a better way, because this isn't a small-talk lounging around time.
That last sentence, doesn't really do it for me at all. It's not a cliffhanger, it's probably falls as more of a cliche, in my opinion personally. Also the wording it really awkward here, and so I would swap two words out and make it sound like this:
Keep in mind though, that this is purely a structure preference, so have your pick.
Other than that, this was an enjoyment to read, because I always like to read your amazing writing style. I can't wait to see what happens in the next part, I will definitely come back to this and finish off my last review. I hope that this review helps you improve your writing, and if you have any questions, then you know where to find me at.
~P.S.
D:
I am so sorry for not reviewing. To be honest, I forgot about this entire series (I don't know how that is supposed to be reassuring or make you feel any better but... yeah).
I'm not going to give you any excuse (even though I already did) or whatever so... REVIEW!
Ehm, overall... this sentence doesn't make too much sense. I think you forgot a "that" after "out". And the "when he started to move" part doesn' make too much sense... I'm not even sure what you meant in that line but... yeah.
Might be just me, but I think most people would say "What the..." if they were just hit on the head with a heavy metal object.
How would she know that he had trouble focusing on her? She doesn't know what he's looking at, nor what he sees. Maybe she thought that because he was staggering or having trouble regaining his balance or something...
If you know what I mean.
Pretty sure the "special exception" part doesn't make sense. It's either "special occasion" or just "exception".
What computer... You never made any mention of a computer (I actually reread the last chapter to make sure I didn't miss anything. I probably did) so it seems really sudden and confusing when he is suddenly at his computer. But it could just be me accidentally skipping over something.
Uh, what was she expecting to do with her phone once it was charged? I mean, it's a freaking apocalypse and she's going to be on her phone? I don't know about you, but my phone would be the last thing I'd be worrying about. Especially since there isn't any signal rendering her phone pretty much useless.
Um, what else did he think it was? Human babies are the only ones that cry like that (as far as I'm concerned).
Reminder: this is a baby. A fragile human life that requires attention every second of every day in order to be able to survive.
By "dumping" it into his arms, it kinda shows that Kastyn doesn't care about the baby, but from what I've read, she does.
So... yeah.
And that's really all I got.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh in my reviews but it's really hard to portray tone over the internet so... yeah.
Now onto reviewing 5/5.
Thank you for reviewing! I did mention the computer in 3/5 ("in the orange glow I could just make out a figure hunched over a computer screen") and Drak didn't know she had a baby with her, so he was a bit alarmed. Also, Kastyn's not very maternal and doesn't really know how to look after a baby (although I don't know how well that came across in my writing)
You picked up on some good points, so thank you.
Oh...
D:
I'm a failure...
Hello again, steamy. A slowed-down pace of a fourth part, I can only assume it's a preparation for something awesome to come.
I like the dialogue, it's natural, funny and it reminds me of the countless ones I've made characters in my head have before sleep (can any of you peeps relate to that?). Anyway, it was a great atmosphere, giving the feeling of normality, monotony. The phones still needing charging, the baby needing food and changed nappies, all of it contributes to a feeling of returning to everyday life.
I know that this is inspired by a dream, and practically is the dream, so the fact that environments and characters change all the time contributes to the feeling of being in one.
Awesome work! I hope this review encourages you to do some great things!
Thanks for reviewing!
Hello, I’m here to review!
I’m curious about his name, and the fact that there are no signals. Are you implying that there's no electricity now, only generators for power? But, how does it all link in? Who started the apocalypse? I hope the entire plot's tied together in the next chapter because, right now, I feel that it's not leading to a specific climax. I could tell that you tried to make the situation with the baby a little more realistic, and to end it at that note? I’m definitely reading on to see how they manage with it. Once again, I have no improvements to suggest. Great job! Well done, and keep writing!
First things first, I’m not sure if I should be relieved that Drak’s alive. You left the last chapter on such a cliff-hanger that I almost wished he was dead (as sadistic as it sounds), because it’d have reinforced the sense of urgency, panic, and suspense. But, I liked that you tried to lighten up the atmosphere here. Their interactions are funny and cute.
Thanks for the review! I'm almost uncomfortable at the thought of publishing the (totally lame) finale... eh heh. Heh.
This already seems really interesting. Though I'm still a little lost where you're going with it and I'd like to learn more it's perfect for someone like me. its slow to cut to the chase I think in a sense for some readers that makes any book hard to put down. When I read a story or short write I don't really look for grammatical or spelling errors. What mostly interests me is the elements of the writing
Hey steampowered!
In this short review, I'd like to point out things that are not grammatical errors but things I noticed in the actual writing and storyline.
I feel like your descriptions of the narrator's thoughts and actions are precise and to the point, but doesn't do much to get me attached with this character. I don't know why - you're showing distinct character traits for sure, but I just don't feel like I know Kastyn well enough to want to see her live. Perhaps you could add more detail, more personal thoughts?
Except for that, I loved the encounter between Kastyn and Drak. The dialogue seemed to be realistic enough and I'm interesting in seeing more of Drak.
Lovely story you posted here, overall!
Keep on writing, Mephis
I'll definitely bear your comments in mind. Thanks for the review!