z

Young Writers Society


12+

Dream Sequence 3/5

by steampowered


17:05 ~~

~~~~~~~~~

Helicopter blades and lots of them, coming towards us at speed. In less than an hour, I’d got quite good at recognising the sound.

I hesitated, then dashed for the nearest building, a decently-sized Georgian house that had a Porsche on their driveway. The baby seemed to understand it had to stay silent, or at least I hoped it did. The last thing I wanted was for its piercing wail to alert anyone, or anything, to our location. I shoved its dummy in its mouth to gag it.

The door was locked. I ought to have guessed, really.

We hunkered down in the undergrowth just outside. The bushes were scratchy, and I tried to shield the baby with my arms, but that didn’t protect me from getting cut across the face. I just hoped it was worth it. If not, the end would hopefully be quick. Some bizarre impulse rose up in me to break from under cover and let myself be vaporised. But, on reflection, that was probably a bad idea.

I stayed put.

The machines overhead disappeared once again. I let out a quiet sigh of relief, but didn’t move for a long time. Eventually the kid stretched up its chubby arms to me, whimpering.

“OK,” I muttered. “Let’s get out of here.”

We walked on. We were right on the outskirts of town now. Was it worth hitting the road and trying to find somewhere that was still intact? Or was it safe to assume that nowhere was still intact?

It began to grow dark, the sun sinking low below the western horizon, out to sea. I stood on the hill and watched its orange light dapple the waters, then continued on my way. There was an old lighthouse not that far from the seafront, and I thought it might suffice as a safe place to spend the night.

I walked into the sunset, the baby in my arms.

The lights were still on in the tower, despite the power outage. I could only assume there was some kind of generator keeping the beacon lit. Well, where there was electricity there was hope. Maybe it would attract the other survivors, assuming they hadn’t been killed by the second wave of drones.

I felt a surge of guilt. I really should have brought the three from the bank with me.

A shadow flitted across the light, trailing tentacles like some kind of humanoid octopus, and I stopped walking. Maybe the weird stuff wasn’t over yet. The baby began to wriggle uneasily.

“Damn it,” I said to the kid. “Let’s take our chances.” I put the baby down on the floor and opened my bag. I’d packed all kinds of crap in there, the most stupid of which had to be a saucepan. In case I wanted to cook breakfast, had been my reasoning. But maybe that hadn’t been the only reason why I’d packed it. When law and order broke down, the streets might be dangerous and not just from the drones either. Saucepans were a handy thing to have.

Plus, I could cook my baked beans in there after I’d wiped off the blood.

Wielding the pan Rapunzel-style in one hand and the baby in the other, I crept into the lighthouse and up the stairs. The baby stared at me with big eyes as I ascended. “Don’t worry, Mummy’s got this all sorted out.”

The rotating lights from upstairs flared and dimmed and every so often I could see shadows move across the ceiling like something out of a children’s puppet show. Problem was, I wasn’t sure whether the shadows were those of the villain or those of something else.

Hopefully someone else.

I reached the top of the stairs. I’d been up this lighthouse once before, when I’d been a kid. But it was far creepier in the dark, and there was no knowing what I might find. What I did find, however, surprised me.

Cables trailed across the floor, with such blatant disregard for health-and-safety legislation I couldn’t help wondering if this was a recent set-up. Generators hummed in the background, and in the orange glow I could just make out a figure hunched over a computer screen, tapping away and muttering to itself.

I set the baby carefully down on the floor. It didn’t protest. Stepping carefully over the cables, I held the saucepan a little higher.

The figure ceased its tapping and looked around, then looked up, then looked alarmed. It shot to its feet, and to be honest I’m not exactly proud of what I did next. It wasn’t even like the guy was armed, but that’s typical Kastyn for you. Attack first, ask questions later.

In true Rapunzel-meets-Flynn fashion, I smacked the pan into his skull.

He dropped like a stone.

I stood and stared down at him. You idiot, Kastyn, a voice inside my head told me. He was a survivor, and what have you gone and done?

I prodded him with my toe. Just a guy, maybe slightly older than myself with messy dark hair and a too-big jumper that looked as if his gran had knitted it. He was currently lying on the ground at my feet, a little too still for my liking. There were no tentacles to be found anywhere. I must have just seen him carrying a load of cables, and jumped to the most ridiculous conclusion possible.

The apocalypse had only happened a few hours ago, and I’d already killed someone.

[To be continued]


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346 Reviews


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Sat Nov 14, 2015 12:25 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya steamy, here I am back with another review for the next part of your sequence. There's not really a lot to say, because the piece is pretty short, but I will definitively try my best. Anyways, let's begin, shall we?

I love the random appearances and places, but I was wondering what type of connection do all of these have to the main character? Or her survival goals or whatever? Why is she wandering over the outskirts and stumbles across some random lighthouse where she can hit a person with a saucepan, you know?? Maybe if you could actually explain a little bit more behind the scenes of what's going on in her thought process, then that would be great.

Helicopter blades and, lots of them, coming towards us at speed.


This first sentence kind of felt like a sore thumb, because the "and" in it kind of threw me off. I think that it flows better without it, try it both way and see which one works best for you!

Or was it safe to assume that nowhere was still intact?


This sentence seems like a red light to carelessness to me at least. Umm, why is Kastyn thinking that it's safe outside, or that there isn't anywhere to go or to be. That noone is really still living. I believe that this is just jumping to conclusions, something that you don't necessarily need in a survivor.

The door was locked. I ought to have guessed, really.

How could she have guessed anyways? How did she know about this locked door. Who knows, maybe before this attack happened, then the person didn't lock the door? I was just as confused about this quote as Kastyn probably was about the door being locked. ><

Cables trailed across the floor, with such blatant disregard for health-and-safety legislation


This seems like a very trivial thing here. My question is why would she even care about rules and regulations right now, when the whole world seems desolate and upside-down, if you could see what I mean. I probably wouldn't include this in the part, because it really does have no relevance. I do agree with the next part of your sentence, that this is probably going to be pretty recently made since none of the wires/cables are even properly hidden/secured.

I think that killing that guy was a very rash decision, but I am surprised that Kastyn actually came to that conclusion, because most survivors or heroes wouldn't do that. You don't really give much details about it and why Kastyn does it. Although, it really does make her seem like more of a stronger survivor than every before.

The baby, I still don't really understand why Kastyn can't take of it that properly. I mean, she is kind of taking care of him, but then again at the same time, I just feel he is a bit of a bother to her. Probably a lot of bother to her throughout this journey. I mean, I like to observe him, but as the author, you really have to ask yourself the question: "Why is he here and what is he contributing to the story-line?"

The apocalypse had only happened a few hours ago, and I’d already killed someone.


I love love love that line. Even though it's not really a cliffhanger, I feel like it's already laced with guilt and an omen on what was yet to know.

That's all I have. Can't wait to get through to the next part!

~Pretzel.




steampowered says...


Thank you for the review! I'd almost forgotten about this story haha. I'll be sure to fix some of the things you mentioned if I add any more to it (which incidentally, I'm actually thinking of doing)



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Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:50 pm
Persistence wrote a review...



He was a survivor - oh wait, never mind.

Hey, steamy. Great third part, and I must say, that is the coolest baby I have ever seen. Usually babies in stories are used only for crying, and directing the attention of the zombies/aliens/psycho killer/cartel death squad towards the protagonists. I really like how you've made it an actual character, not some object that randomly produces noises for the story's convenience.

It is also great how we still don't know what the heck is going on. Are the helicopter drones sent by another invading country, or by some wealthy supervillain mastermind? Is it an alien invasion, or a secret government defence program gone horribly wrong? All we know for certain is that it's happened, we don't know the exact scale of it just yet, and that contributes to the atmosphere in a huge way.

And because we don't know exactly what to expect, the scene with the tentacle monster was both believable and unpredictable.

It starts a bit slow, but all of that is well worth it. All in all, an entertaining part of a story, can't wait to read more. Keep up the amazing work!




steampowered says...


Thank you for the review! :D



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 4:23 pm
micamouth wrote a review...



Ooh, some more of your lovely stuff to read! This chapter was particularly interesting, and as I was reading I actually found it difficult to pick out things that weren't quite right. Well, I've had to be incredibly nitpicky, but serves you right for being so damned good ;)

We were right on the outskirts of town now. Was it worth hitting the road and trying to find somewhere that was still intact?


Maybe put a hyphen here? I don't know, but I think it would make more sense to have one than not.

I walked into the sunset, the baby in my arms.


As Phoenix has pointed out, I thought this was the ending for a moment. Perhaps consider merging it with the paragraph below?

(Jeez you're difficult to review xD)

Maybe it would attract the other survivors...


And drones ;)

Also, would a saucepan kill someone? I suppose it depends on where you hit on the skull, eh?

I love this concept, I love the War of the Worlds feel but in a modern setting. I'd love to see more of this, and I'm sure I will! Sagi's got an eye on this :)




steampowered says...


Thank you for reviewing! I hope the last two sections don't let the story down too much. :P
Would you like to be notified when I upload more? (Which should be either tonight or tomorrow)



micamouth says...


Oh, yes please! >u<



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 3:58 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



I have read the previous chapters and I’m here to review!

First of all, I have to admit. That’s an interesting dream you’ve had. It’s full of action (as expected) and felt real, almost like you’ve lived it. I loved reading it. Dreams can often be confusing as they proceed in no clear direction, but you connected the scenes to make sure they made sense.

However, there's one thing I'd like to point out. Having younger siblings of my own, I felt it was weird that the baby hardly cried. It was conveniently quiet whenever Kastyn came across the drones or helicopters. Did he/she not feel hungry or sleepy? Did they not need a nappy change? I think that’ll be a gripping element to include. The tension and panic Kastyn experiences will keep your readers at edge and they’ll read ahead to figure out how Kastyn survives and takes care of a baby, which is one of the most difficult tasks to do.

I have no other improvements to suggest. Your writing’s flawless and you have certainly done a great job. I’m curious to know who controlled these drones (if there even was someone) and why did they start an apocalypse. Well done, and keep writing!




steampowered says...


Thank you for reviewing! I'll bear your comments in mind when I do a redraft (this was just a trial run to try and convert my dream into a story before I forgot it)
Some more stuff's revealed later on, but the end bits are kind of lame haha. Still, glad you enjoyed it! ^.^



artybirdy says...


No problem! Please tag me when you post the next part. I'm interested to read ahead. :)



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 10:22 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Oh someone tagged me, that doesn't happen oft—
...
YES! SOMETHING TO REVIEW!
*Dances awkwardly

Image

Helicopter blades and lots of them, coming towards us at speed.


Yeah... you never explained if the "at speed" was intentional. I'm guessing it is though, but it still doesn't make sense to me.

Image

I walked into the sunset, the baby in my arms.


Woah. For a second, I thought it was ending. To be honest, I don't like how you put this sentence here (I'M TRYING TO BE AS NICE AS POSSIBLE! TRUST ME!), It's much better used as an ending line. I suggest removing it and just put a couple of asterisks to indicate a time skip.

Image

Maybe it would attract the other survivors, assuming they hadn’t been killed by the second wave of drones.


Or it could attract more drones... Just saying. I just thought that that would've been obvious.

Image

Problem was, I wasn’t sure whether the shadows were those of the villain or those of something else.


In the next line you say "someone" not "something".
Also, who did she consider a "villain"? The drones that attacked?
I know what you mean by "villain" but I don't think that's the word to use here. Try rephrasing it. Maybe something like:
"I wasn't sure whether the shadows were those of an enemy or those of someone else."

Ok, that isn't much better but you get my point.

Image

when I’d been a kid.


Pretty sure it should be:
"when I was a kid."

Image

I set the baby carefully down on the floor. It didn’t protest.


This has got to be the most intelligent baby I've ever seen (read, whatever). Or the bravest. Seriously, any normal baby would at least whimper or cry or make some sort of noise.

Image

...
And that's all I got...
D:
This has got to be my shortest review on the Dream Sequence series yet.
BUT THIS CHAPTER WAS JUST SO GOOD!
KEEP IT UP!
But I'm sorry if this wasn't very helpful...
D:
Please don't kill me.

Phoenix Out.




steampowered says...


Thank you for reviewing! As for the villain-thing, I meant it to be "the villain in the puppet show" but maybe that bit needs more work. :D



ThePhoenix says...


...
But what about the "at speed" thing?



steampowered says...


That bit was intentional. I'll probably change it if I do another draft though.



ThePhoenix says...


Oh ok.




Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri