when you feel like space pollution

Good morning/Evening/Night!

Wow. That was so insightful, and beautifully written, It really made my day. I even screenshot it, so I could look at it whenever I want! That was a truly delightful poem!

I love the style in which this poem is written. First, the color scheme adds a lot. And the numbered paragraphs really give it a nice quality, that adds well to the structure of the poem.

And last but not least, the contents of the poem. The heartbreaking familiar emptiness, that was paired well with the idea of the universe. It seemed to me, that the poem beautifully encapsulated the feeling of being insignificant. The feeling that when you die, it won't ever truly matter what you left behind. Because it will all fade with time, and in the infinite universe, it is insignificant.

Of course, that was only my take on the poem. But I really loved it, and hope to see more of your work around. Happy writing!

-Lizzy

Hi, star! I'm here as requested ^^

Preface: I'm not especially strong with writing/reading poetry, so feel free to take my thoughts with a grain of salt! I'll be focusing more on the ideas of the poem than the actual writing ^^

So, the first thing I have to say is that it took me a little bit to get into this poem, because I wasn't entirely sure where it would be going at first. This could partially be on me, but I reread the first stanza a couple of times to make sure I actually understood what it was saying. It didn't immediately connect that "the parasite" was in reference to the moon (but it made a lot of sense afterwards! I liked the term -- I might suggest saying "that parasite" instead, but only if it fits the tone you're trying to write). The thing was I just didn't have a good idea what the arc of this poem would be after it. At first, I thought it would be something about the sun's superiority (ie moon is a mimic of the sun, the stars are small and insignificant, etc), but that's not where it went at all. Which isn't bad! Just offering my thoughts haha.

Another thing that I noticed is that you didn't mention the sun at all, which yes it's technically included in the stars clause, but it typically has a lot more meaning around it too. I feel like playing around with that image and its connotation of "optimism", "brightness/happiness" etc could also add another layer to this poem.

You do a beautiful job of capture the celestial/spatial imagery in this poem, and I love that through each of the stanzas you have a new way of contrasting the beauty of these bodies (stars, planets, galaxies, etc.) with the destruction of the narrator. Not to mention, I liked the huge variety you have, to connecting black holes to supermassive black holes (I think those are the ones with light shooting out of them, haha). It has a tragic beauty to it, which I believe is what you're going for.

Small thing was that I noticed for each of the first 5 stanzas, where the narrator is pulling the universe apart, they have some kind of justification, from the moon being considered a parasite, from the unfairness of the certainty of planet paths. All except for stanza 2, which focuses more on the consequences of the action of ripping the stars apart, which I thought was a lovely line, but I think it would either be better suited closer to the transition from destruction to reflection or maybe adding more of the forward thinking and doing a bit of light foreshadowing for later, if that makes sense?? Feel free to ask me to elaborate if you're confused, haha.

Honestly, I was not as big of a fan of the sixth stanza as the other ones. It feels like the big pivot point between outward destruction and inward destruction, and in my opinion, it didn't feel quite as strong as the ones around it. Before you've escalated to giant blackhole emitting massive beams of light -- at least that's how I understood it -- and then you move back to comets, which to me feel almost exactly like shooting stars, so it didn't feel like an escalation. As well, I just didn't get how the jar would explode? xD Maybe I'm too science-y brained, but it doesn't make sense how getting a comet, which was already in a vacuum, in a jar and put that jar in a vacuum would make it explode. I think harking back to the sun, as I mentioned before, could make that section and that feeling of destroying the earth stronger? Which could then easily transition into facing the consequences of your actions.

I think the next couples of stanzas are really great. They flow super well, they have a (unfortunately) relatable idea behind them, and I liked the stream of consciousness feeling a lot. It feels desperate but intentional, and that was powerful to me. Stanza 8 especially, about the narrator trying to fill themselves up but ending up even more empty was my favorite because it was very raw and very well written.

My final note is that I'm not really sure how I feel about the ending. The use of second person in this made this poem feel almost uncomfortably close to me, which could be a personal thing, and I think it works well, but I don't especially ending on "you will never be enough." I totally get that not all poems need to be optimistic and end well. Heck, I've written a couple of hopeless ones, but I feel like this could easily be a poem that focuses on consequences. Because the narrator did all these horrible actions to make them feel whole, and realized that they can't be, but I would like to see a call back this is their own fault. This didn't have to happen if they didn't act in this way, rather than falling back into "you just weren't enough to start with," if that makes sense? I think it could be equally as powerful, if not more so, to make the reader finish reading this and think about their own actions, rather than leaving them feeling empty.

Hopefully these ramble made sense! I enjoyed your poem as a whole, and I thought your imagery was really gorgeous. You've got a great way of crafting the feeling of the poem by manipulating your words, purposefully including active and violent verbs to make it feel really intentional. I liked that a lot!

Let me know if you have any questions about my comments ~ And happy writing ^^
- Wolfe

I LOVED THIS!!!!

Hi there star! You've left me so many incredible reviews on my more experimental-ish poems so I wanted to return the favour with an actual review on this one, too c:

One thing I noticed immediately, reading through, is that there is a lot of alliteration (which! I adore!), but not just that, it's almost all using "sh" and "s" sounds. And just in general, you use a lot of verbs that start with "s" in this poem. (sink slowly and suffocate, solar system, stealing someone, single star, scattered, shove shooting stars, shadows, swinging into the sky and shredding, sun splutter, and it goes on.) I'm not sure if you did this purposefully - and honestly, I tend to find that there are a disproportionate amount of strong descriptive verbs that start with "s" - but it creates a continuous atmosphere throughout the poem, which I really enjoy. (And being someone who has grapheme-colour synesthesia, I actually see the letter "s" and most s-words as navy blue in my head, which happens to be a dark, subdued colour that matches the tone of this poem. You definitely couldn't have foreseen that but it's a nice coincidence haha!)

While we're talking about the visual aspects of this poem, I really like how you chose to format the background and text. The plain, flat black background is really stark and evokes the idea of a night sky, without distracting the reader from the poem itself. Similarly, the white text looks a bit like stars against the night sky. And the type-writer font is honestly just so aesthetic, and for some reason I can't put my finger on, it matches the tone of the poem quite well.

I also enjoyed your decision to put this poem in the second person! That, along with the fact that it's formatted as a list of commands, gives it an almost detached tone. Like the narrator is just giving a very matter of fact list of instructions for the reader to follow, which contrast the actual contents of the poem drastically. I think that juxtaposition adds another layer of interest and meaning to the poem, and causes the final line ("you will never be enough") to be even more devastating.

Now for some thoughts on specific stanzas!

stanza one - I like how you use a couple of fairly scientific terms in this opening stanza (suffocate & parasite). Similar to what I just mentioned, it makes it sound like the narrator is trying really hard to justify the instructions they're given with some kind of logic - even if it's very flawed logic.

stanza two - wow the descriptions in this stanza are *chef's kiss*. I especially adore "dizzy sky" and "...papercuts scattered all over your palms, forming constellations of their own". By referring to the sky as "dizzy" you're already setting up a bit of disorientation in the poem, and honestly I have nothing to says about the scatter papercuts description other than...ugh it's perfect. I would like, I think, if you carry the "dizzy" imagery further into the poem - maybe in stanza three when you describe sucking the galaxy out of the universe, you could describe "leaving her lightheaded"? And perhaps in stanza eight you could incorporate a reference to "reeling" when you describe "feeling like throwing up". This definitely isn't necessary, but I really like the tone "dizzy" it sets in stanza two and I'd love if it was sprinkled in throughout the rest of the poem, too.

(I already brought up my only suggestion for stanza three, so I'll move right along to stanza four!)

stanza four - I like how you're starting to add some motivation and backstory as to why the person the narrator is addressing should do these obviously bad things. This person is lost, confused, uncertain of what they want, so this is their justification for "knocking the planets out of orbit". (Random side though - I discovered recently that planet is from the Greek word "planetes", meaning wanderer, which happens to match your description of the planets "not knowing their destination". You probably didn't have that in mind when you wrote that, but again, a lovely coincidence!) Lastly, I realized when reading this stanza that "ellipses" has a double meaning - oval shapes, like you mean here, and also the punctuation that I like to refer to as a "dot dot dot". I really like the fact that it can mean two things, because "..." is usually used to convey a trailing off thought and uncertainty, which fits the idea of "wondering where to land" super-duper well <3

(Nothing huge to say about stanza five except some lovely, haunting imagery!)

stanza six - again, I really like the effect that the science-y language has here (vacuum, atmosphere, etc.) Also the image of "thousands of tiny pieces swinging into the sky" is so unique and poetic c:

stanza seven - aah, this is the part where I feel like the poem reaches its climax, (if you can apply plot structure to a poem, which I think you can, at least in the context of this one). It's like all this negative imagery, and all those mean actions the narrator was directing this person to do, were building up into the intense moment where the narrator admits they're doing this because they hate themself. ("Spiny slivers" is another phrase I adore, too.) I think you used the repetition of "nothing" really effectively in this stanza, and I can imagine the cadence of the narrator's voice rising in pitch and volume as they reach the end of the stanza, and then are abruptly cut off by the dash. Altogether, one of my favourite stanzas, and one of the strongest ones, I think.

stanza eight - to me this feels like the narrator has regained control of themself after letting their emotions get the best of them, and they've returned to a less intense tone - if still overwhelmingly negative, and significantly more self-degrading than before. Prior to stanza seven, the narrator was blaming other people for their issues, and now they seem to have turned exclusively to blaming themself; if this were a book, I'd call that a very well-executed character arc, and hecc, I'm going to call it that anyway!

stanza nine - this adds to what I was saying about stanza eight; the narrator is now referring to themself as the parasite, instead of the moon. Also "float back to the top because hollow things can't drown" is ;-; </3 such poignant, tragic imagery. Without directly saying it, you've implied that the narrator wishes they even had the capability to drown, which I love for a couple of reasons (not conceptually of course, just poetically). First, by not saying it directly and instead implying it, it becomes that much more impactful and heartbreaking, and second, IT'S JUST SUCH BEAUTIFUL SORROWFUL IMAGERY AAAAH STAR WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO MY HEART

stanza ten - I really, really like how you tie this all back to the opening imagery. You refer back to papercuts scattered on the narrator's skin, however this time, instead of using a very aggressive, active verb ("rip" and "scatter"), you're using a much more passive, subdued verb ("engrave"). That subtle change in tone is so effective in conveying the defeat of the narrator. As for the closing line </3 it's such a simple, common phrase to hear: "you will never be enough", and something about that familiarity and simplicity and lack of fancy poeticism makes it so much more heartwrenching. It's like the narrator has finally exited the extended metaphor of outer space and is admitting what they've been getting at all along; they simply don't feel that they're enough. SUCH a strong ending to the poem.

One other thought I had while reading this through was that you refer to both the moon and the universe as "she". While I do adore the personification, I almost feel like it'd be clearer and more distinct if they didn't both get referred to by she/her pronouns? Though at the same time, referring to the moon as "he" doesn't have quite the same effect. Anyway, not at all a huge deal, but I thought I'd just put it out there in case you had an idea for how to distinguish the two entities even further!

Wow okay I think I might've gotten a bit carried away with this review xD I really really enjoyed reading, interpreting, analyzing, and reviewing this poem so much though! <3 Star, you honestly never fail to wow me with your beautiful, touching, thought-provoking, creative poems. I hope this review is helpful, and if you've got any questions about / thoughts on the stuff I brought up, let me know ^^

Keep writing you incredibly talented poet <3

whatcha

Hiyo! A review for an amazing piece. This is really well written. Format isso different that it catches the attention and flows really well. It has a dark background that also make more people look at it. Is A new idea that you have here and I loved this. So thank you for writing this amazing thing and sharing it with the world.

I love this! The formatting and the general flow work really well together, and the imagery is so striking. All the imagery comes together nicely, and each line lingers in the back of your mind after you read. I especially connected to the viii lines about the rib cage and feeling empty. I've read through multiple times now to figure out what I want to say, and each time I pick up on something new, which is always exciting. This is a very moving work and I'm so glad I read it!

Wow.

Oh, star, this is such a well-written and powerful poem. You did an amazing job <3 <3 <3

Ohh star I love this. The ending is so heartwrenching <33

OMG OMG STARR I LOVE THIS SO MUCH <3 <3