I once
went to Greece
and played among the grass
at a park
while my parents had a
"grownup conversation".
There were other children
there
and though they spoke
a foreign language,
I didn't care.
I played with them
in the park
and didn't mind
that I had no idea
what they were saying.
I spoke to them
and they
to me
until the sun bled fiery colors
over the horizon
and my parents
told me,
"It's time to leave."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey! I'm here to offer you a good review (hopefully)
So, I really enjoyed this, I feel as if you captured innocence and childhood really well.
I also like how the last line has so much meaning in it, with it symbolising leaving childhood and innocence behind. I love it!
So, Iggy already touched on the combining of shorter lines, I think that's a good idea. You can still keep the simple, to the point poem that it is, that captures innocence, but combine lines to make it flow better.
For example combining
To become.
I once went to Greece
And played among the grass at a park
See, how it just has a better flow, because you aren't pausing for a new line every second word? You probably know all this stuff anyway, so just go through and revise it.
Another thing is cutting out words that aren't needed. For example you have
You can get rid of the second 'there', we know that the there are children at the park, you don't need to tell us twice. Little stuff like that will just make for a better flow and help the reader understand more easier and will get to the point.
I do really enjoy this, and it is a sweet poem. And all the things I pointed out are super small, and can be easily fixed.
Good job and keep writing
Nargles xx
Awww c: This is cute!
I only have one suggestion, and that's for you to consider combining some of the shorter lines. They make the poem sound awkward and make the flow messy, so maybe that will be fixed if you make some lines longer. It'll also make the line transitions a bit smoother.
But besides that, I have nothing more to critique on this! It was a beautifully written poem, and I think you captured the feeling of a child's innocence quite well. You didn't even have to use a tragic event to display their innocence, so I adore that. You did it nicely, using a well-detailed sunset and the setting of beautiful Greece to show through a child's eyes.
Overall, I really liked the simplicity of this. I enjoyed reading this, so thank you for sharing.
Heyo! Here I am to review your poem! ^-^
Keep writing!!! <3
Wow, okay, wow. This was spectacular. What I loved about it? The word choice, and the rhymes that almost seemed hidden in there.
I love your last line. It just like... concludes it nicely, and it seems calm.
The only critism I have to say is maybe make it more chunky. Most people make it too chunky, but some lines only have one word. Of course, you don't have to change it, except you MAY want to. Who knows. : P
Wellll... Great poem you have there! I liked it, and I would rate this 9/10 stars.
~ WillowPaw1