Blossoms in the breeze
drifting
floating
down the avenue
in the early morning
when no cars
come to disturb
the children of the trees.
Birds fly overhead
the children play
on their way to Temple
and a spring-to-summer breeze
blows
the blossoms
down the avenue
and the children
crown themselves with handfuls.
Blossoms in the breeze
and as I pass by
you beside me,
I wish we could join them
and drift
and float
down the avenue
with no cars to disturb us
and the children of the trees.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
First off, I love this poem.
It has a peaceful yet at the same time eerie tone. To me it feels slightly scary. Maybe that's just me or maybe that is how you intended it. The poem scares me because (I might be reading into it to much) of the fact that the narrator can't join with them. Why? (Not a question directed at you)
At first, the tone is so peaceful and that is interrupted. I like that. You definitely know what you are doing.
However, a few notes...
1. Three is the magic number (for me).
So when you say "Drifting and floating" in the beginning and end, try adding a third verb. This will make the poem (in my opinion) flow better and give it more rhythm.
2. Who are the children of the trees?
the children of the trees.
Birds fly overhead
the children play
At first, I thought they were birds.. Obviously not because you mention birds by their name in the next line. Then you mention (human) children and I kind of inference that the "children of the trees" are kids.
This inference is fine if that is what you want the reader to do. But if you want a) clarify that the children of the trees are in fact children or b) allow the reader to have more freedom of guessing besides the following two lines of poetry, you might want to slightly alter things.
3. The narrator + companion
I would have liked that they were mentioned or at least alluded to a little earlier on. It was surprising (not in a good or bad way) to suddenly have a person watching the scene besides the reader. I loved the image you created and the people slightly distorted that for me.
4. The poem is awesome.
Yes, I know this isn't helping you by saying this but know, this poem is really good and it can go far. You have talent. Don't be afraid to follow through with it.
Hi Basia here!
WOw its been long since I wrote a review, and I totally missed review day! I haven't been on this website in a month or so... Here goes!
I really loved this poem. You painted the perfect picture of spring! Your words flow nicely and I can picture an old town with kids climbing trees and swinging and building bird's nests. I do have one question though. What exactly did you mean by way to Temple? I was a tid bit confused.
Also, maybe you could add a part about how you can hear the chit chat of adults? Because I am pretty sure the kids wouldn't be playing around alone... not in this day and age, anyway. Good job, and I am curious to see more of your work!
Thanks. I come from a predominately Jewish town and the event I was describing was an early Saturday morning last Spring. Jewish people often call there synagogue Temple. I also live in a tiny town which is very safe, so the kids were alone.