One step forward and two steps back.
My fantasy all lined with gold,
Now fogged with black.
I feel as if I am a dog,
Being teased by a treat,
For he is always just barely out of my reach.
I can't with stand the pain.
For I know we cannot be,
But still I fail to hide my smile,
Every time he looks at me.
In my attempts to call to him,
The words get drowned out,
By the restless wind.
Finally I gained enough courage,
to share my emotions,
Just him and I together,
I asked...
He said never.
Tired from my effort,
Wounded by his reject,
I slumped my shoulders,
Hung my head,
And collapsed onto the lush grass bed.
One last thought raced through my mind,
Letting out a muffled groan,
"I shall learn to walk alone."
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138,299 Literary Works • 672,099 Reviews
Your poem is awesome! I love it! The metaphors + similies you used were really cool and they gave the narrator depth.
Keep up the great work!
<3 soccer9angelvb
thanks so much for all the advice, I will try to do better next time!
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was my favourite line;
my fantasy all lined with gold
now fogged with black
It was a good piece of work - use punctuation though, otherwise it can be confusing at moments for the reader to understand. Emotional, and a work of simple elegance - very good.
Wow, this is really good. I love how you can feel the emotions. You did a really good job showing how the character feels. I love the rythme too. It was slow so you could feel the saddness. Good job!
Ouch! I really feel the speaker's pain and frustration at being rejected. The rhyme and rhythm are both very common, but that's okay because something common is a good base to spice things up and make it more unique. If you want, you can revise this poem, but it really doesn't need fixing. Save experiments for future works, and eventually you'll find your own style developing.