skies came back this week&
melted all the snow
days are longer but
nights arent shorter
the air is still * &
sometimes the clouds look like waves
.
the sun is closer these days, but
u r farther away
don't fact check me
cuz idk wh(ere/y) you are
only where you arent
like here, in my present
that will hopefully
soon be past &
these million moments
that (pass like slow needles/)ur not in
or
in my room or on my bed
.
this */lifeless piece of rigid foam
has no memory of
the weight of you &
all your components or
the heat of us &
all our connections
&&&/.
under every piece of furniture theres
an ikea trip i made w/o u &
somewhere theres a receipt w/
a 365 day return policy.
these days ive been */sweating thru my sheets
&im tired/*
all day/all night/sometimes/usually
so
maybe i should get my 80
bucks
back
but
maybe i lost the reciept &
if
God is real
then
maybe i can ask for him to
help me
find it / hide it
from me .
///give me wisdom to
see that loss is a gift,
give me patience to
find air in the void,
& give me strength to
know when
a poem is
done/
over/
still full of
unwritten lines.
Its march now
but im still *,
February *.
.
*freezin
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hey, Luke here for a quick review, as requested,
So, first things first, more slashes!!! Sorry, they make me excited, and I'm just really happy to see this as a continued motif throughout your anthology- it's really distinctive and unique, and helps to create your poetic brand, so please keep it up, I'm excited to see more of it (as aforementioned though, I'd love to know your intent behind it and how we as readers should read them.) What's even better to me is that your slashes are joined by more punctuation that's rare to see in poetry; asterisks and ampersands and slashes, oh my! Speaking of which, holy cow I love the use of an asterisk throughout the poem. Footnotes are so interesting to see in poetry. My poetry is kinda relatively traditional so when I see people really challenging poetic conventions and the like it really excites me and makes me all geeky and nerdy. I don't know if this was your intention, but I originally read through kind of ignoring the asterisks- I didn't know why they were there. Then I got tot the end, saw "freezin" and was encouraged to re-read the poem again, inserting the adjective wherever there's an asterisk, and it completely enhanced my experience as a reader. For whatever reason I failed to connect with the voice of the poem on my first read-through, but on the second time around I really felt their pain, angst and general ambivalence. In terms of favourite lines, I'm loving
cuz idk wh(ere/y) you are
Only where you arent
Like here, in my present
that will hopefully
soon be past
It's very simple but is just incredibly well-worded and written that it stands out from the rest of the poem for me personally.
In terms of suggestions for improvement, once again I'd say stanzas could do you some good. If no-stanza poems are your thing, then knock yourself out and ignore my critique, but I just think a lot of the time they help the poem flow better. I completely understand in this poem however if it was an intentional choice due to the poem being more of an internal monologue from the poem's central voice. The only other thing I'd question is your capitalisation- I like irregular capitalisation, but I can't tell if it's just arbitrary or not- does the irregular capitalisation serve a purpose/symbolise something, or is it there just because? Because if it's the latter, then I'm not a fan personally, I like me some intention. I'm intrigued to find out your thoughts though.
Overall, I loved it. My critiques are really just nit-picky points, you're such an incredible poet. Can't wait to read more of your work. Keep writing!
Yours,
Luke
hey man, thanks for the review!!! You really get me!! I was phsyched to see how you interpreted this and how you approached the asterisks, honestly this is exactly how i wanted the poem to be read, i tried ti make the poem make sense without the injection of the adjective, up until the very end to confuse the reader and have them be forced to use the asterisks.
The slashes i wint comment on cause i think explaining things like that can ruin it, it should be self containing. But for stazas and capitalization that was totally not intentional, thanks for pointing it out. I typically draft on google docs before i copy and paste, somewhere in the process it deletes the line breaks and whatnot and leaves me with one giant stanze.
Hello. Here for a short review.
You seem to be a new member. If you need any help, you can always ask me.
Now, let's jump to the review.
This was actually awesome. It described nature, relationship. It includes many a things. It was basically a flawless one as it contained no flaws, at least to me. I just want to say you have a great potential as a writer.
Keep writing. It was a great read.
Bye..
–ForeverYoung299
Hi there, snorfus!
This reads as a pretty fresh and clever piece of relationship poetry. Though it tackles age-old themes like making do when someone isn't in one's life anymore, I like that you told it using text message symbols, as well as plenty of interesting structural techniques that help to keep the poetic rhythm going regardless. I also get a sense of desperation in the speaker's tone, especially in the final stanzas.
Language
I love the personification of "skies" here, and I think it makes a strong impression! Jumping right in, almost as if taking down a note, makes the emotions seem more immediate. It could also be that the atmosphere is being shown to be very 'fast', as if things are moving on more quickly than the speaker wants. At least, that's how I feel with there being no space between 'week' and the ampersand, as well as the phrase "melted all the snow".
The wordplay in parts like this really suits the text-message style you've got going on. For instance, you play with the ambiguity of "where" to mean a location and then in the sense of past vs. present, which I thought was pretty clever and also helps the poem flow from line to line.
Structure
I noticed some slant rhymes like waves/days here, as well as semi-irregular rhymes like longer/shorter, which give the beginning of the poem a strong rhythm.
Love these lines! I think the turn here is unexpected, but also works with the narrative. The long length of this segment and how the lines seem to dwindle and fade slowly away kind of suggest how hard it is to lose somebody. The repetition of "give me" and "help me" also emphasise the speaker's feelings of desperation.
Just as a note: are the changes in capitalization meant to have a purpose? Or are they just there to mimic texting? On a second read-through, I get the sense that the capitals mark the beginning of a new 'sentence', though I'm not quite sure. My suggestion would be that perhaps the line breaks and punctuation could be enough to divide up the poem.
I like how you play with the symbols and the different ways in which they're used. I think previously I read the '/'s as 'or', but here it suddenly because an abbreviation for the word 'without' which I think draws the reader's attention to this line and makes it more impactful, as though something is changing now that the speaker seems to be adapting to the addressee's absence.
Miscellaneous
I interpreted most of the asterisks here (including the one in the title) as indicating a footnote? Like it's February* but not quite? I don't know if this was the intention, but I do find it rather interesting~
That's all
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
I really love this! The internet speak helps to add to the lifelike and genuine feeling of the poem, and creates a casual energy as if you were writing this at 3 a.m. when you can't stop thinking about it. The mix of everyday and dreamy, whimsical language is stunning.
"cuz idk wh(ere/y) you are/Only where you arent"
This part is masterfully done and creates a very real sense of melancholy. I think the internet language makes it more resounding with this generation? Often, poetry is very separate from the way you talk to your friends, but this one has no separation.
"Under every piece of furniture theres/an ikea trip i made w/o u"
In this part, the way you create solid objects from the lack of a presence is really beautiful, and a very real depiction of grief and loss. All the little things points to the bigger ones.
"maybe i lost the reciept"
Here, you spelled "reciept" wrong. Throughout the poem, the internet speak helps to further the feel of the poem, but this misspelling kind of only serves to take away from it? But if you like it, keep it, obv
"give me wisdom to/see that loss is a gift,/give me patience to/find air in the void"
I can't even put into words how beautiful this part is?? I know I'm literally only saying good things about this but it's really beautiful and I have nothing to properly critique
'Ello there!
I don't understand this, but I think I have an idea based off of the other lines. It's good you have lines that work with each other, but having lines that could be misunderstood isn't the best thing that could happen.
Ohh I'd suggest keeping most internet language out of poetry unless the whole topic is writing like that (to prove a point or just to be funny; doesn't matter.) There is also 'idk" and "cuz" which are easy to turn into the proper form.
Once again, I like to keep slashes out of poetry unless they are the main focus in some way. I feel like you could have repetitively somewhere with "i'm tired / all night" and then later one say something like 'i'm tired / all day" if you get what I'm saying.
Now I have some formatting advice: enjambment isn't your best friend. Cutting lines off every other word is just making this choppy and it seems longer than it actually is (which isn't a bad thing, but readers get bored.)
could easily be:
That is just one example, and I can keep going. Enjambment isn't a bad thing to use at all, but if you overuse it, you start to have some problems in your poems. You can use it to create a pause, or just if your lines are getting too long; it works there.
Good job! Just mess around with your formatting and word choices.
lum