Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic


Exit 17

by snorfus


Exit 17

.

now i live somewhere far away

but still not as far as

u r from me

i still work all day and go home but

now i sit in traffic&

i take the exit i used to take

in the autumn spent falling4u

hope u remember

.

the exit after 19&

before 16

.

my new place is brand new but

somehow still haunted

the ghosts must be from me.

they cant be from you

because you'(ve/ll) never be(en) here

& because your gifts were all pure

sugar&sunshine, the kind of gifts that

don't spoil with time

even if i wish they would

do u remember

.

if you don't then

i'll try to forg(ive/et) u cuz

.

forgetting is inevitable444

synapses decay&

memories are purged

your subconcious decides which moments are relevant.

i knew one day you would, that youd

give your brain permission

to let go of what your heart's been

holding/dragging.

basic neurology saw it coming but

somehow i couldn't.

tell me how u did it because

somehow i can't.

was it magic, or was it easy?

or was it the machine from

eternal sunshine?

have you made my skull home to

the only remaining versions of

a thousand little love stories with

one sad ending?

.

please dont forget (what

its like to know

theres someone like u/me&what

its like to be apart

/

you shared your bed when i had

no where else to go&

you picked up the phone when i

couldn't be alone&

when i pushed you away you

didn't move an inch&

inject me with heat like a

medical syringe.

you gave me your family when

mine was broken,,,

i wish we'd made more time to

go see the ocean.)

  • .

sooner/later

sacrafice/prioritizing is

necessary/required

to make room/space for a

new collection&

how can it be sooner when

i put my money on never&

how can you be there when

i bet my heart on forever


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 376
Reviews: 19

Donate
Tue Nov 23, 2021 3:18 pm
PoetryMisfit wrote a review...



Hi there!

Just wanted to leave a quick review. Your poem flows like a song and actually reminds me of Driver's License by Olivia Rodrigo with the forlorn recollection of what was and won't ever be again. I really enjoyed it though, there were many lines that cut straight to my heart in one profound slash after another. So just to recognize a few:

"i knew one day you would, that youd

give your brain permission

to let go of what your heart's been

holding/dragging."

I think the comparison between the narrator's heart and mind was very well written, and very true. Our hearts like to hold onto the things that our brains know we shouldn't.


"have you made my skull home to

the only remaining versions of

a thousand little love stories with

one sad ending?"

This verse is also very well written. It's a very poetic way of describing overplaying memories of the past.

I did have a few things I wanted to recommend as well that I think can make your poem even stronger:

"my new place is brand new but

somehow still haunted"
(This line is a little superfluous with the word "new" written two times. I would recommend removing one of them to make the verse flow better).

(I also noticed you didn't capitalize any of the "i"s or add the necessary apostrophe to words like "don't " and "can't" which are both quick and easy fixes).

All in all, I really enjoyed your poem. You have a great writing style and I can't wait to read more from you. Keep writing!

Thanks,
PoetryMisfit




User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 20

Donate
Thu Nov 18, 2021 5:49 pm
Mooilky wrote a review...



Hello, I'm leaving a review. I'd like to share what parts really stood out to me and why.

"my new place is brand new but

somehow still haunted

the ghosts must be from me.

they cant be from you

because you'(ve/ll) never be(en) here"

This line was powerful to me because I have/had similar thoughts multiple times. I felt seen and connected to the speaker. The use of parenthesis to insert multiple meanings into the text really works in conveying the past/present of the speaker.

"you gave me your family when

mine was broken,,,

i wish we'd made more time to

go see the ocean.)"

The slant rhyme here stuck out to me. Especially with the use of 3 commas after broken.

This was an interesting read. Thank you for sharing your art.




User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 111
Reviews: 93

Donate
Tue Nov 16, 2021 9:13 pm
View Likes
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I enjoyed reading this poem.It was sweet and romantic.I also enjoyed the writing style,how you added numbers and punctuation marks to the words and how you put parentheses in the some words.For example:”I’ll try to forg(ive/et)” It makes it sound like the person/robot misses their significant other so much,they’ve begun to fade/glitch away as a result of their sadness.I hope you have a lovely day/night.





"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
— Paul Brandt