I wrote this poem in year seven and have neglected to edit it when I found it. It's not very good so feel free to attack it 
It makes a horrific tide and a thick fog,
Throwing sailors and aeroplane pilots ashore,
Leaving them to die at Skeleton Coast,
Swish! Bang! Crash! Boom!
And a sailor is found dead,
The Sands of Hell are dangerous,
The news one night has said,
It has finally been discovered,
The Sands of Hell isn't our friend,
Though men will keep getting smothered,
In towers and towers of sand,
I overheard a woman say,
My husband died 3 years ago,
At this place, or down that way,
I will never trust a soul again.
She tuts and walks away.
I agree with her,
although I know,
People will continue to go there,
And die there,
Each and every year,
Its sands are like a desert,
Its ocean like a storm,
It crashes, It thunders,
And yet the warning has not been spread.
I will say to everyone,
Go not near Skeleton Coast,
For the wind and fog is horrible,
And you will crash and burn like toast,
But until then people will go there,
And die there,
Each and every year
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I love your idea for the poem because not only is it original but also interesting. I agree with Elinor Brynn with the point that certain things called be explaned more and perhaps you could have built up more intensity but hey, you were only in yr 7 so it was still a good effort. It was a good read and if you were to re-edit it I would certainly check it out!
-Blossom
Hi! This is pretty good, but I had one little problem with it, and that lies with your imagery! It's very tell-y. For instance, you mention that the place is horrible, and that doesn't give us much. Many things can make a place horrible. What exactly makes this place horrible? Is the way in which the sailors die? Is it the way it looks?
I also never really got the creepy atmosphere that I think that this poem is supposed to have? You can accomplish this by describing the locales and maybe when someone dies. Is there fog in the air? Is it dark?
I'd like to see an edited version of this. PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo