Her Eyes Of Gray

by silentwords

Published April 18, 2011

In Poems

Spoiler! :
This is a poem that I actually wrote for the NaPo Challenge, but I was hoping that I could get some suggestions on how to improve it. Thanks :)


Her sparkling eyes of blue,
Have dulled to a simple gray,
The life that once filled them,
Has now faded away.

The dark, heavy rain,
Has burnt out her flame,
And the leftover ashes,
Are all that remain.

Her emotions are now fried,
So, she adjusts them on her own,
Flipping on her smiles,
And tinkering with her tone.

Going through everyday motions,
With her body still intact,
Walking, eating, and breathing,
Looking normal, in fact.

But look into her eyes,
Past the shades of gray,
And nothing is what you’ll find,
Because that girl is far away.

Comments & reviews · 12
User avatar
silentwords
Comment
silentwords commented Comment · May 1, 2011

Thanks alot! (I followed you too) (:
Okay, I will see if I could fix up the rythmn. What were some lines that you had trouble with? (This goes for anyone btw! )

User avatar
geekchic
Review
geekchic wrote a review Review · May 1, 2011

Hey there! First off I must say that this was a brilliant piece. There was raw emotion in it, the rhyming was beautiful and didn't sound forced. Plus the message is relatable and it is something that many people (including myself) can relate to. As the others said there aren't any errors grammar wise. The only thing that I could suggest is that you could play around with the rhythm. While I was reading some lines I felt like I was tripping over words. That's just a minor thing though. This is still beautifully written. I'm going to like this and follow you now because I can't wait to read more pieces by you. Great work!
-Hope

User avatar
silentwords
Comment
silentwords commented Comment · May 1, 2011

Thank you both! (:
And to JJxVoodo you can read my poem "My Own Worst Enemy" topic80127.html
It's not exactly the same, but if you are like me then you might be able to relate to this one as well.
Btw- glad to know I'm not the only one like this :P

User avatar
JJxVoodo
Comment
JJxVoodo commented Comment · May 1, 2011

Hey, I think that this was very good, sounds like somebody else I know

Spoiler
Me


It was an excelent piece and i would love to read more work like this. Do you have anymore I can read?

Keep writing-good luck

JJxVoodo

User avatar
qaralynn
Review
qaralynn wrote a review Review · May 1, 2011

beautiful poem!! It's great!
I love the rhyme in it and I especially like this part:

Her sparkling eyes of blue,
Have dulled to a simple gray,
The life that once filled them,
Has now faded away.

I don't have any criticism really..
nice!!

User avatar
silentwords
Comment
silentwords commented Comment · Apr 18, 2011

Thanks alot for the review! Okay, I'll let you know if I need any help. I can review your work as well if you'd like :)

User avatar
Upile
Review
Upile wrote a review Review · Apr 18, 2011

Hello there.
I love this poem. Really simple, and yet it just envelopes this emotion. I really love the way you are rhyming and the story behind it. there aren't any typos so unfortunately I don't have any things to correct, but if you ever want my help. I review around the clock. keep up the good world
xx Upile xx

User avatar
silentwords
Comment
silentwords commented Comment · Apr 18, 2011

Thanks alot for the review and follow! I'm following you now too (:

User avatar
kathy45662
Comment
kathy45662 commented Comment · Apr 18, 2011

You did really well on this poem. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes to point out. If there were - I didn't see them.
I'm following you . I hope to see more of your work soon!

User avatar
silentwords
Comment
silentwords commented Comment · Apr 18, 2011

Thanks alot for the review! :)

User avatar
Soulkana
Review
Soulkana wrote a review Review · Apr 18, 2011

This is very good!! Good descriptions and the emotion is very vivid. You did a good job with this and I can't wait to read more of your works. I really like the beginning and last part of this poem. May you improve and have many reviews!!! Good luck and keep up the good work!!! Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3



I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield