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140,531 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hello!
I'll start at the end-
It was OK to me, it could work. another idea for the last line is, " to tell the truth another way." I think the last stanza sounds a little weird because of the second line, it's too short. I can't think of anything to put in there though!
As for the whole thing, very good. It was easy to understand that you wanted to tell someone something but were afraid, but you leave the reader wondering what it could be (which is good). You do a pretty good job using descriptive words, but seel free to use metaphors and hyperboles and all that junk. Also, doesn't fit in with the rest of it's stanza. Saying, " And my trust would be frayed" would sound better. Try it out!
wow my reviews are all over the place! Anyways, it has a good feel to it for the most part, but you could add more descriptive words and more interesting lines. Hope I helped!
The rhythm in this was quite off. For example, in this stanza:
the inconsistent rhythm was particularly noticeable in the last line which has six syllables (seven if you count the pause due to the comma) compared to the five syllables of its rhyming line. While you can sometimes get away with syllable differences, in this case, the emphasis of the syllables (stresses) also changed. If I bold the stressed syllables, you've got "On my pearly whites" and "Gone like the sun, at night."
As you can see, the patterns are quite different, which makes the difference in syllable counts all the more obvious.
When you're rhyming, it's important to keep a consistent pattern. Rhyming is a rather weak pattern in and of itself that only really appears when it's got a solid rhythm to support it. Compare "Jan fried eggs in her pan in the morning" to "In the morning, Jan fried eggs in her pan". The exact same words, but the second one feels like it rhymes even though it's not broken up into lines, and that's because of the rhythm the sentence has.
If you don't have a strong rhythm, the rhyme won't work well, and when rhymes don't work well, they become very obvious.
I would suggest maybe trying to see how this poem would turn out if you didn't rhyme it; you might be surprised at what you get. Another option would be to rework it so that the rhythm is more consistent throughout the poem by making sure the lengths and stresses of lines in a rhyming pair is consistent.
Love love love love love! This poem is so adorable and sweet! I absolutely love it
Alright, I suppose you want some details now, haha, so here you go...
The first three stanzas are a beautiful image. I can totally totally relate to this idea here. The truth bubbling up in your mouth, ready to burst forth in a wonderful image, but then you surpress it, and push it back down with the proverbial "oh, never mind." Oh, what a beautiful piece of poetry! I love love love it!
I really like the last verse, and I think you should leave it just the way it is! It's very beautiful language, and the image is fantastic. I can envision the truth like a bird in a cage, pecking at the bars, eager to be let out. Oh, it's wonderful!
All and all, you've got a great poem here. Truth is done credit with this tribute
- SOCKS
Hey, I'm Fortissimo! I don't think I've formally introduced myself anymore. Anyways, without further ado, my review! (ha that rhymed!)
Ok, so first, what I really liked is the "organization" of this poem. You rhymed the same lines every time and you had nice even looking capitalization and punctuation! It looks so clean and neat. If you are the only editor of this, then you have some great self editing piece. The spelling and grammar is phenomenal!
Now on to the nitpicks. Like I said, everything is really good. What is really good about poetry is people get to express their emotions through words that reflect how they are feeling. The best poetry is when from only a few stanzas, you have stepped into that person's shoes and have felt what they feel. Almost like you switch places with them for the day, and you learn first hand what the poem is really about. I feel like this is hard to achieve, but I also feel like it is within reach for you.
Now we know that grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. is good, concentrate on feeling and energy. I want you to express what is going through your head just using this poem. My suggestions: Think about what you are writing about. What is good about the topic? What is bad? How does it make you feel? And to describe what you have brainstormed, what better than adjectives? Use plenty of adjectives, and beef up the ones that you already have to make you poem sophisticated and intelligent.
This poem has great potential! Keeping working, it'll get to be great, I promise!
~Fortiiii(: