Please give me your brutally honest opinion and any advice that you have! (:
When asked if I’m okay,
I simply say that I’m fine,
If someone asks what’s wrong,
Lack of sleep is my favourite line.
I smile and laugh it off,
Saying that I am great,
But what they don’t realize,
Is that my smile is only fake.
As soon as they walk away,
Tears burn my eyes,
Pain clogs up my throat,
But I keep it all inside.
I couldn’t dare let someone know,
What I actually feel,
For that would require trust,
And instead I have a shield.
It can mould into a mask,
Or solidify into chains,
Whether I like it or not,
It with me through all the pain.
I drag it along,
Like a fifty pound weight,
Invisible to the naked eye,
But in times of trouble it illuminates.
And if I get the strange urge,
Too trust someone or confide,
My throat will tighten,
And my mouth will dry.
Once again my shield keeps me safe,
From the uncertainties of what others will think,
Because if you keep everything inside,
There will be no troubles or kinks.
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Thanks for the advice
!
Oh and for the second stanza I was rhmying "great" with "fake". I know it's not a perfect rhyme, but I tried
I actually just noticed that most of my lines aren't perfect ryhmes. Oopps
in my own opinion, you've got no problem on how you send your message through this poem- the thing is about the rhyming... O.o you used different patterns here...
it's okay. Use period instead of comma here.
Hope that helps!
When asked if I’m okay,
I simply say [that] I’m fine, -- just suggesting, haha!
If someone asks what’s wrong,
Lack of sleep is my favourite line[.] -- this rhymes with the second line.
I smile and laugh it off,
Saying that I am great,
But what they don’t realize,
Is that my smile is only fake[.] -- I can't find anything that rhymes in here. I suggest that you follow your first pattern w/c goes out like, A-B-A-C (two separate lines were the only ones that rhyme).
That's all I can say!
love,
CS