Totally not a spontaneous poem birthed from the fact that I haven't submitted anything in over two years. And like doing acrostics. *cough*
Penny pincher, cease thy crimes and
Open thine hands! Release the coin that
Caresses thy skin; bestow thy sparse
Kindness upon her. Thou retched soul,
Enemy of Generosity; repel thy nature and
Taste the sweetness of giving!
~
Crude is that bronze plate,
Hardly worth the sidewalk gum;
And yet thou cling to it religiously! Care
Not about the bloodshot eyes of the orphan,
Gazing longingly into the
Eternal void that is thy heart.
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Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to begin at the beginning of this poem kinda reminds of how Shakespeare used to write on his poems/plays/sonnets since you are using thy or thou since he mostly used those in the stuff he wrote.
I think the message behind this poem is a strong one and how you have to read between the lines to see what it means since even pocket change can mean that yes you do have money but what it also mean that you have nothing in you pocket to do anything with. Only a few cents can buy those who want to buy something or someone could save the change for any other day they choose to have to buy something.
When i look at this poem, I don't see anything that would have to be change only that some of the stanzas are hard to understand (like Shakespeare) but easy to understand (if that makes sense)
All and all, this is an amazing poem
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Thank you for the review!
Ouch! This is actually pretty heavy. I like very much the contrast in texture between the modern-ish phrase and frame of the acrostic -- pocket change -- and the very old fashioned speech and phrasing that you use in the rest of the poem. I feel like it keeps us balanced between a nice old fashioned scolding and a new age consideration of present society, if that makes sense, haha.
The only problem I had with the material of the poem was in the last four lines. They say "care not" which is kind of like an order telling the listener to NOT care about the orphan, but that goes against the message of the rest of the poem -- figure out how to rephrase that so it actually communicates what you meant: that this person DOESN'T care about the orphan, not that he shouldn't.
In short, this is a nice, short piece with a clear message and theme. If you want to work more with it, here are some suggestions as to what to explore to make it have more lasting power and stick with the reader after they finish.
Bring out more imagery -- give us something to see.
What would happen if you added dialogue?
What would happen if the speaker was not just a general speaker, but an actual person interacting with the listener?
What would the listener's response be to the speaker?
I hope these suggestions and questions are helpful for you! If you have any questions or comments about my review, feel free to PM or reply~ Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Thanks a bunch for the review!
I never thought of adding dialogue before. Very interesting! Of course, I should probably try it on a normal poem first since acrostics are harder because they have a definite format, but I like that suggestion a lot!
And it does seem like the second part confuses people. I meant the "Care not" to be somewhat sarcastic, but it evidently did not sound that way...
I thought it could also be sarcastic, but the rest of the poem speaks so eagerly it's not a very easy logical path to follow. Haha.
I really love this poem! I personally love acrostic! And there are so few truly good ones! But this one really does make me so happy that the acrostic poem is no longer dead! Your subject is definitely a very controversial subject! What is pocket change worth? And why do some need it more than others. And why do the ones who need it never get enough. The orphan who needs it never gets it. And the little girl with everything has it all! Keep writing. You do a great job!
Welcome back! And what a way to return! This acrostic was pretty good. I especially like how it sounds like it was written back in ye olden days. The first stanza, or "Pocket", is about telling a greedy guy to, well, quit being greedy and start giving to the less fortunate.
The second part, or "Change", is less easy to decipher. Nonetheless, it's about a guy (same one?) who clings to a piece of garbage. The last three lines especially confuse me. Are you telling the guy to not care about the orphan?
This was great. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Please, continue to write.
Thank you! Yes, the second stanza is about the same man. I'm actually happy that the poem is not easy to decipher, so I won't give anything away, but you got over half of your interpretation correct.