Because you are like black cherries,
Not sweet enough for my satisfaction,
Yet I take another bite,
Trying to feel and savour the delight.
_
You talk too funny in conversations,
And it is time that passes fleetingly,
Still your talks seem less for my reaction,
Yet I laugh off my inhibitions achingly.
_
Like black cherries you’re full of something,
Bits of mischief and naive regret,
Flavoured with mystery and tasting of nothing,
Yet it’s a taste I don’t think I can forget.
_
Humour doesn’t come forth that easily,
Still we laugh like little kids in naivety,
What is amusing or listless is irrelevant,
It’s the texture of this feeling I can’t prevent.
_
Like black cherries your design has uniqueness,
Although it lacks the flavour that I reminisce,
The difference is queer but renders happiness,
I’ll soon learn to mingle with your effervescence.
_
Even if you’re in the light or I’m in the dark,
Even if your pulse isn’t in sync with my heart,
Even if the steps we take are unsteady,
Our friendship will never lose clarity.
_
Your subtle flavour has become an addiction,
My friend, let’s rejoice in this revelation,
Let’s talk some more, this has just begun,
Let’s discuss our own ways of chasing the sun.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Wow! This is certainly an unusual poem, written quite uniquely, and I like it! I love the references to black cherries. I love cherries!
That's the best thing about reading something: finding no mistakes. And the first stanza is my favourite; simple and poetic.
You've made great use of figurative language and expressions. Well done.
There aren't any grammatical errors, so congrats!
The line " Your subtle flavour has become an addiction" is full of flair. I like it
I'll check out your works!
Mysticalxx
Wow i loved this.
at first i thought it was kinda meloncholy but in the end everything worked out.
Great Great Great. loved the comparisons. loved that you took it from a cherrie.
i would love to hear one about another kind of cherry. see how the two compare.
also i love the ryhming scheem of it.
im honestly terrible at poetry so i really enjoy reading others, and appreiciate it alot.
this was fantastic, loved it!
Maddie
Thank you so much!
Hey, shaon~ I haven't reviewed poetry in a while, so I thought I'd try to get back into that biz. As it is, I'm going to make this quick.
Right, so here's the deal: your beginning is weak. This is because 'because' is a conjunction, and as such it is used to meld two ideas together. You are putting forward a single image at this point, the cause to an unexplored/unidentified effect, and this gives the beginning an incompleteness. 'Because what?' is the question most readers will ask. What is the narrator doing/not doing because the addressee is like 'black cherries'? There's a dismal lack of clarity here, and a lack of clarity is never a good footstool for beginning a piece. It's an easy fix, though--just complete the thought!
The rhyme scheme makes the poem feel very ... stilted, as if the poem has been built around the rhyme scheme instead of the rhyme scheme being moulded to fit the poem. Because of the adherence to rhyme scheme more than focus on imagery--or really, clarity--the images formed are drab and incomplete. You deliver half-cooked ideas, ideas that could strike more forcefully if you spoke directly instead of playing with words. I do not understand what you mean by the addressee talking to the narrator 'not for [their] reactions', or what kind of 'inhibitions' the narrator holds, because this is a poem stretching across a wide expanse--it's hard to build the focus on what point you're /really/ trying to get across.
Your rhyming adopts a certain pattern nearer the end, but even then it does not follow a single rhyme scheme: you have ABCC, then ABCB, followed by ABAB. There's not much consistency.
I think, overall, you need to narrow down what you want to say instead of taking off into ten places as once. The basic focus of the piece, from my eyes, is exploring the narrator's relationship with the addressee, and although you have described a lot of ranging factors of this relationship, from laughter to disquiet to differences, I can never entirely feel the relationship. You're talking about how friendship does not depend on similarity, and sometimes differences can bring people closer together. You use metaphors, you have pretty vocabulary, but again: it is stilted. It does not feel raw. It does not feel as real as it can.
My advice: build focus. Play with this. See how many different ways you can explore this relationship. But more than that, establish consistency. Talk about ideas in a similar vein, rather than in tangents. Talking about how the addressee can sometimes act indifferent and how laughter is not always free between the two of you? Give us a situation. Give us an image. Try taking this in the present format, and show us their relationship through subtle means rather than telling us 'you are like this, you are like that, etc'. Experiment.
You have an idea. This is a good thing. There is potential in this idea for it to be played with--that is even better. Work on this some more, and if you ever re-write I'll be glad to take a look over it for you~
Keep writing! Keep it up!
Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions.
~Pomp
hey Pompadour... I'm definitely writing this poem again, so, be there to review it. Definitely good review.
Hey shaon,
All in all, I really loved reading this poem.
I really liked your poem. It was interesting to read. What I loved the most were the comparisons and descriptions moulded in beautiful words! I didn't quite understand the relevance of black cherries and why it was irregular throughout the poem. You synced some paragraphs while the others were like individual units. So it was not so neat because of that. But that's just my taste, nothing wrong with your writing style
-Ishita Dutt
Thank you for the criticism. I'll try better and harder
Hey Shaon!
I love your poem, I was very impressed. I like how all your verses have a connection to the cherry except maybe the second-last. I also love how your reference is very clear to tell.
"Trying to feel and savor the delight," this doesn't quite connect to the fourth verse, third line, "Flavoured with mystery and tasting of nothing".
I enjoyed this poem a lot I'd just say make it more cohesive, so maybe the last line of each verse connects to the next verse. It was a great poem and I hope to read more from you.
-znale1
I will work on the cohesiveness. Thank you.