Young Writers Society

Okay, first off...

I loved this poem!! I read the other review on here, and I didn't find a really good one that would brighten your day. So I'm being honest here- if there's any mistakes or confusion, I'll leave it to the other reviewers on here, because I'm sure they've made their point. Besides, I hate bad reviews, so I hope you'll like this one.

Vocabulary- 10/10. Usage was terrific!!! Often, I can start a poem by just a creative word- and in your poem, I liked the words: prattle, ensued, no honor, corpse, bereft, uncannily, deadened, eyes that longed to see, untainted, whilst, macabre, faltering, parched, marrow, revival, punctured, revolt, beguiling, specter, heretic, futile, instigate, vessel of life, pleaded mercy on the warrior, wept of self-loath, no lips had remained.... You just don't see everyday use of outstanding, harder vocab. And I agree with your choices of words.

Anyways- I'll shut up about the vocab, and start on the rhyming. I noticed you certainly did your best on each line to make it rhyme with another, so you tried your best. Some worked, others still stood though it wasn't exact.

Bust out the zombies!!! Zombies are, like, my FAV thing!! And how often do you see a poem that at least hints, if not includes, The Walking Dead? I think this poem displays how a tough, determined warrior fought against the undead but unfortunately lost the battle and succumbed to death. It's telling the rise and fall of a warrior with a heart to fulfill his duty though he could not accomplish what was desired. I hope that's what you wanted to portray. If not... well, imagination is good!

Overall, congratulations on this poem!! You have one major satisfied reader! It'd be fun to chat sometime! You feel free to check out my work if you'd like! I'll have to improve on my vocabulary more though, haha. Hope you have a great night and happy writing!

Ok, so this isn't going to be a full on review because honestly, I just couldn't bring myself to finish this piece. I was not only distracted by the varying types of meter you gave, but sometimes I didn't know the words you were using, which took me out of it because I had to pause and find context clues to help me figure out what the word meant.

I'm going to agree with what the other reviewer said: Trying, but WAY too hard.

Honestly, I just think you need to simplify this. You have a very nicely decorated product, but it's so weighed down in details, I can't see the product itself, I just see the details, which would be the meter and vocabulary.

I do give you credit for using such advanced vocabulary, I hate when people go bare minimum, it makes it less interesting. But, in your case, I'd suggest using such words sparingly, and really only when absolutely necessary. If you wish to use advanced speech, at least use some that is overall well known. That's all I'm gonna say on that.

Now, content wise, from what I caught, this sounds like a very interesting piece. I like the slight use of religious metaphors, but luckily it's downplayed enough that I don't see a cross being beaten into my brain.
Good job on that.

Well, that's all I really have to say. I hope you take what I say and make your piece, and whatever follows, wonderful

Thanks
~Maddie

Hello there. Since you're all about those reviews, and you have none, I figured I'd drop by.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

While I'm able to hang on to the plot that you've slapped down, it was difficult and took me about ten minutes (not joking) to read through this poem and comprehend it. On the bright side, you have a very good vocabulary. On the downside, this poem is mired in wordiness and TTH (Trying Too Hard).

While there were obvious religious tones, and an obvious master-thane relationship between the master and the disembodied head, I was unable to discern what you were satirizing because I was too busy trying to hold on to what was happening physically in the poem.

Clarity was a real issue here, not only because you use too many words, and strangely vague character labels, but because it was so long combined with those things. I found myself having to go back and read stanzas again because I got bored and distracted by other things. While you do use imagery, you don't infuse every stanza with something, so I was left with very little to sustain myself through the whole poem.

Some notes on content:

stanza 4:
Is this master god? As in master's blessing. Because you use master for this new(?) character, I am unsure if you are talking about the physical master or god.

Stanza 7:
you need to introduce the fact that there are others earlier in the poem. This contributed to my confusion. Also, is this a watching crowd, or other corpses coming back to life?

Stanza 8:
you might want to anchor this stanza in something concrete as it's all philosophical and abstract right now

After stanza 8, I'm just totally confused. I don't know what's going on at all. Instead of trying to be poetic and sounding good and showing off your large vocabulary and whatnot, try writing in your own voice-- how you talk in real life. That will certainly add clarity and probably fix a lot of the little problems that I noticed.

Hope this proves useful to you. Happy YWSing!

very dark poem
but a good poem
you describe war in your opinion
a good opinion