Storms were no stranger to eight-year-old Daniela, but this one in particular was keeping her awake. She sat on her bedroom floor, watching the rain pound her window, wondering how a storm could be perfect.
“A perfect storm...God, how do I explain this.” Daniela’s mother ran a hand through her hair. “Well, you have to realize it doesn’t mean a real storm. They mean, maybe, a person who’s really...dramatic.”
“Like Jen?” Daniela’s best friend.
“Yeah, like Jen,” her mother responded. “and you know, Jen has her flaws. She’s so crazy, all the time. She’s so dramatic, and she’s a little bit...fiery. But she’s sweet most of the time, she does all her work. And I mean, she’s really beautiful, don’t you agree?”
Daniela felt a small pang in her heart, but nodded. Jen was prettier than her.
“She’s crazy, she’s wild, but at the same time, it’s makes her perfect.”
Daniela squinted her eyes and tilted her head as a gust of wind sent the trees outside her window leaning to the left.
Jen was the storm.
Ten candles blew out on Daniela’s birthday cake. On her right was her mother, and on her left was Jen. As Daniela beamed out at the table of people, Jen leaned down and whispered in her ear.
“What’d you wish for?” Jen asked, grinning. Her curled blonde hair brushed against Daniela’s cheek, near the newly formed acne on Daniela’s cheeks and forehead. Secretly, she was worried about what Jen would think if she saw. Jen’s skin was perfect.
“I can’t tell you!” Daniela smiled back. “Then it won’t come true.” Jen laughed. Daniela had wished that she was as pretty as Jen.
Later that day as the party wound down, Daniela overheard her mother talking to another parent.
“We better enjoy this while we can, Lily.” She said, chuckling. “These years, right before they’re teenagers? This is the calm before the storm.”
There was the storm again, Daniela thought. Was Jen still the storm?
Sophomore year, both sixteen, Daniela and Jen sat together at a lunch table. Normally they were surrounded by their friends, but today they were alone, focused on one person. His name was Casey.
“Come on, you have to go talk to him! This is your chance!” Jen egged Daniela on. “Just go for it! I’ll go with you.”
Daniela agreed at the idea of company. She stood cautiously, and Jen popped out of her seat. Daniela walked with her shoulders tensed, while Jen pranced.
The two walked to the table where Casey sat, sliding into the seats across from him. Before Daniela could speak, Jen’s bright, eager voice did. “Hey!”
Casey smiled at them. “Hey, who are you two?”
Daniela felt the brush on Jen’s ponytail on her neck as Jen flipped her hair. She had that smile again, the one that made her look so confident. “I’m Jen. This is Daniela.”
Casey was smiling too now. Suddenly, the chime of the bell sent students scattering.
“Well, you two seem great. Wanna talk tomorrow?” Daniela’s heart fluttered to the pattern of Jen’s eyelashes.
“Oh, Daniela, don’t you have to go to the library tomorrow? Some make-up test?” Jen asked sweetly, looking down at Daniela.
“Uh, that’s next week.”
“But you better get it done soon! Better now than later.” Jen’s hair flipped at Daniela again as she turned to address Casey. “See you tomorrow!”
Daniela watched Casey leave over her shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Dani. I’m just gonna break the ice, tell him all about you.” Jen assured her.
Daniela went to the library for lunch the next day. She thought about Casey and Jen alone at a table. She thought about the ice that Jen said she was trying to break.
There would have been no ice if the storm hadn’t frozen the lake.
Junior year, another lunch period. Seventeen-year-old Daniela felt the brush of Jen’s sweater as she slid into the seat next to her. No one said a word.
Jen and Casey had just broken up, just a few days before they would have been together eight months. It had happened last night, and though everyone had been texted, called, or heard through the grapevine, Daniela found it strange that her own best friend had yet to call her personally.
She turned to look at Jen, to give her a hug and tell her she was sorry, but was surprised to see Jen’s head looking toward the ground, avoiding Daniela’s gaze.
“Hey, Jen, sorry. Really.”
But to Daniela’s surprise, Jen didn’t even acknowledge her. She barely even moved her head in Daniela’s direction before getting up and moving to the other side of the table to rest her head on the shoulder of a girl named Emily.
Daniela sat for a second in silence, hurt. Quietly, a boy named Brandon and a girl named Jackie slid over to Daniela and put an arm around her shoulder.
“Don’t worry too much, Dani. She’ll get over it.” Said Jackie reassuringly, patting Daniela’s back.
“And you know Jen.” Brandon continued, “When it rains, it pours.”
Jen brought the rain.
The end of senior year. Late-spring born, Daniela had just turned eighteen. Jen had been eighteen for one month and six days on the day of their graduation.
When Jen’s name was called out, Daniela screamed for her best friend. As she clapped and cheered, Jen stood up and sashayed to the front of the crowd. She didn’t look back.
When Daniela’s name was called, she couldn’t help notice less people cheered for her than for Jen. She glanced over her shoulder halfway down the aisle, she looked for Jen to see if she was cheering. When she found Jen in the crowd, she saw that she was laughing at something the boy next to her had said.
Jen never said congratulations, goodbye, or thank you for being my friend. She didn’t look back at Daniela, or take a picture with her during the after party. She didn’t take the time to sign Daniela’s yearbook like she had every year before, and Daniela didn’t feel like approaching her.
Daniela went home with Brandon and Jackie that night. The three of them stayed out on Jackie’s porch, on the swinging chair in blankets, talking about where they’d be in a year, or two, or ten. The sun set and the stars came out, and soon the clouds of a familiar summer rainstorm began to roll in.
“What about Jen, Dani?” Jackie asked. “You guys used to be, like, best friends. I always pictured you two together in your graduation caps, taking a picture together or something.”
“Yeah, I don’t know.” Daniela signed. “Something went wrong along the way. I can’t put my finger on it.”
“I don’t think it was a small issue.” Brandon spoke up. “I grew up with you, Dani. I was there for your from your first grade birthday party all the way until now, and I always thought something about her wasn’t right. And after a while, problems like that add up, and before you know it, the problem is bigger than both of you.”
“Bigger than both of us.” Daniela repeated to herself.
The pattering of warm rain on the roof of the porch began. Big storm clouds rolled in, enveloping the stars. For a moment, as the three stared at the sky, it was almost like Jen was there.
Eighteen-year-old Daniela sat and watched the rain. She was in a cafe now, away from home. It had been almost six months since she’d spoken to Jen.
Instead of Jen, a boy named Kenneth sat next to Daniela.
Kenneth had seen Daniela alone in the cafe, staring out the window at the storm clouds were rolling in. He’d sat down next to her, handed her a coffee he’d claimed was supposed to be for a friend who’d “cancelled on him”, and struck up polite conversation. Barricaded in by the now-pouring rain, the two had been talking for hours. Particularly, about high school. Particularly, about Jen.
“I knew tons of girls like that in high school.” Kenneth said, shaking his head sadly. When he shook his head, his hair shook too. Kenneth’s curls were similar to Jen’s, but they were real and they were brown. Big, loopy curls that spilled over his eyes in a way Jen would never let hers do. “They’re fake, toxic. Fair-weather friends.”
Daniela frowned "Fair-weather?”
Kenneth smiled. It wasn’t cold and condescending like the way Jen had looked at Daniela when she knew something Daniela didn’t. It was sweet, caring, and warm. “Fair-weather. They’re around when they need you, but never when you need them. Only when the weather is fair.”
He looked out the window again, and Daniela followed. The rain was still pouring, and wind bent the tall evergreens to the left.
Jen was the storm. She brought the rain and the wind and she bent trees and buildings. But once she began the storm, she left. She didn’t return until her storm was over and the weather was fair again.
The weather was stormy now, and Jen was gone.
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Hi, FCD here with another review,
I really liked this story. The storm analogy is exceptional. I like the way the story is spaced out, and the way you clearly inform the reader each time another year Daniela's life passes. It made the story digestible, and it allowed the reader to read it quickly.
The first point I would like to make is how creative the stormy analogy was. However the one time it wasn't as effective was the line
"There would have been no ice if the storm hadn’t frozen the lake."
I understand what your trying to convey here, but it took a second for my brain to register the meaning behind the line, whereas all of your other analogies were clear and understandable.
One of the only issues I had with this story was the character of Jen. Although this is my personal opinion, Jen seems to be a slightly cliched "fair weather friend". Although I know that the whole point of the story is Daniela's realization that Jen is not truly her friend, I think it would have been more interesting if you had developed Jen's character a bit.
I think it would have been more compelling if the reader discovered that Jen has personal problems, and that is why she is disrespectful to Daniela.
That's just my opinion though. Maybe you were going for the realistic angle, meaning that the explanation for Jens behavior is that she is simply an immoral person, as opposed to her own personal issues being the cause of her actions.
Hey! I love your story! The scenes are great, the dialogue is great, the them is great. I love your characters. I can relate to this story, so of course that makes me like it even more. I have a friend like that, but I haven't really talked to her a lot since middle school. I see her everyday and talk to her often, but considering how close I thought we were back in elementary school, it's almost like I don't know her anymore.

I like how Jen seems like a good friend at first, but as time goes on and as they grow up, it becomes more apparent that she isn't. I also like the characters Jackie and Brandon. They remind me of all those people who have been there for me in the past few years. Most people that I'm friends with now wouldn't even associate me with my childhood friend, but I can never forget the old days and it seems like she has or that she's trying to.
I do want to point out a couple things that could use improvement. There aren't very many though and they are all pretty small.
1. "Storms were no stranger to eight-year-old Daniela, but this one in particular was keeping her awake." I feel like this sentence could be improved by changing the order of clauses. It would make more sense for Daniela to be no stranger to storms than for storms to be no stranger to her. In my head it sounds better, but if you disagree, just ignore me.
2. The first transition between scenes was a little awkward because I didn't realize yet that there would be a scene change. After that, the transitions are fine, but the first one got me. It's probably because that one was more subtle. The others all said her age specifically, but that one just hinted at it with the ten birthday candles.
3. "“I can’t tell you!” Daniela smiled back. “Then it won’t come true.” Jen laughed. Daniela had wished that she was as pretty as Jen." I feel like this part, even though it is short, should be broken up more.
4. The dialogue with Casey is a little awkward. The rest of the dialogue, I really like, but Casey's words didn't paint a very clear picture of him. They seemed kind of unnatural in a general context.
5. Why did Jen even sit next to Daniela in the first place if she was just gonna move across the table a few seconds later?
6. "I've never been good with idioms." How did she know it was an idiom then?
That's all I've got. Great story! I love the depth and analogy! Keep writing. I hope that most of this was helpful. If you have any questions about any of it, you know how to reach me.
thank you so much! i'm so glad i'm reaching people with similar experiences, and this was very helpful.
i worked on some of the things you recommended - thanks again
Hello, fellow humanoid being! I happened upon this and figured I'd write a review, though it might be shorter than most of my others. This is really good, in my opinion.
Let's talk more about that opinion.
So, you start out pretty well, "Storms were no stranger to eight-year-old Daniela, but this one in particular was keeping her awake." is a good opening line. It immediately introduces the running theme of storms, and it introduces the simple, yet still effective question of 'what storm?'. It's a good way to get a reader to keep going, at least until the end of the paragraph.
"Daniela nodded, but felt a pang of hurt."
This line is phrased oddly. It breaks the reader out of the spell you were casting and reminds them of the words, not the pictures in their head. Try a different wording to maintain a more smooth flow.
" Secretly, she was worried about what Jen would think if she."
If she...what? This is incomplete.
"Their eyes were on another table, on one person."
This is another example of weird phrasing breaking the spell. I had to read this sentence twice because of that. I would try a different wording, like last time.
"She barely even moved her head in Daniela’s direction before getting up and moving to the other side of the table to rest her head on the shoulder of a girl named Emily."
I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, just something I noticed. This is where you kinda break from the theme of 'fair weather friends'. The definition is a 'friend' who comes to you when they need support but are never there when you need them. This is a time when Jen would be needing support, but she doesn't go to Daniela for that support. While this a realistic situation, it doesn't fit the theme very well. If I had written this, which I did not so you have full control over whether you listen to me or not, I would have had Jen go to Daniela a few times over the course of the story, and then have something, like a breakup, have Daniela desperately need a shoulder to cry on, and for Jen to not be there when she needs her.
"Jen never said congratulations, goodbye, or thank you for being my friend. She didn’t look back at Daniela, or take a picture with her during the after party. She didn’t take the time to sign Daniela’s yearbook like she had every year before, and Daniela didn’t feel like approaching her."
This isn't a critique, just a comment on how freaking hard this hit me. I know that it shouldn't have hit me all that hard at all, seeing as nothing here was written to be particularly gut-punchy as far as I can tell, but it did. I guess I'm just realizing I've had, and do have, a lot of fair-weather friends. It was a bit of a hard blow, seeing as I've only really had one or two friends in my lifetime by this definition. An absolutely painful realization for a high schooler who used to have hoards of 'friends' whom she gave up oh so many little comforts and even got in trouble a lot of times for (some of the arguments I had with my then-dad over those false-friends still effect me now). I'm not sure if I should thank you for that, but I'm going to anyway. Thanks for this few sentences of clarity.
"“I don’t think it was a small issue.” Brandon spoke up. “I grew up with you, Dani. I was there for your from your first grade birthday party all the way until now, and I always thought something about her wasn’t right. And after a while, problems like that add up, and before you know it, the problem is bigger than both of you.”"
I just like this bit. It's really deep. Good job.
"The weather was stormy now, and Jen was gone."
This is a wonderful ending line.
If you have any questions just ask, this was really a good story.
wow, thank you so much. this story was definitely written from personal gut-punch experience, and i'm so glad that it had the same effect on someone outside of my head. there are several typos in here, which i've noticed now that you've pointed them out, but thank you so much! this really means a lot.
also, cut those friends out! i promise you, from personal experience, it won't take long to find new people who will love and cherish you for who you are. and when you do, the couple weeks you spent without your fake friends won't even be in your mind anymore.
Thanks for the advice.