What is left?
On the sheets,
On the pages,
Pillow, my face
This is the first poem I ever read from you, (or at least I think it is) and you really really seem to have potential. What really struck me in first place is the description. The way you wrote it reminded me of the silence of the lambs. Not because it’s anything about cannibalism or psychopathy, no. What really reminded me, is because the movie describes the semi antagonist as a monster. Someone so horrible and terrible- a real animal I think one of them said. There’s this whole build up to the expectation of seeing this person as someone hovering above insanity, and just like the movie; your description builds our expectations. We expect to see waves of emotional sentences that would pull on our heartstrings and mark us deeply, we expect to see something about pain and love- a passionate description of depression- and just like that movie which shatters our expectations when we see a totally normal looking guy, you shatter our expectation with these brief words. No imagery no complicated words no nothing. SleepLackingEmotionDevoidThat’s how you begin. That’s how you make us go “wow.” What’s really gorgeous is how you seem to know personally depression, I’m not saying you’re depressive; I’m saying you know very well or recall maybe most of it (if you ever were) because when people make poems on depression, it’s this sighing melody. It’s not about depression, it’s the thoughts you get long after that depression is cured. But you really take us in the heart of depression. We feel it. The lack of emotion in your words, the hollow way your words ring- that’s depression. And that’s what so beautiful. The evolution is remarkable as well. In the structure I mean. You pass from single words, it’s really like the bottom of depression single words. When you start having two, three words by sentence; we logically think “oh, that means he’s curing from his hollowness.” But once more there’s a descent at the end. Back to the starting point of single word with “distraught/everywhere” much like what depression is. Always turning around again and again.
Hii Salia! I really love to read your poems. They are totally amazing. One can feel the pain you expressed, while reading. This creation of yours gives a huge meaning in very short and simple words. You have used the perfect words making it even more touching. The feelings with which you write your poems show up when one reads it. I appreciate your work from my heart and request you to keep on writing such touching creations.
Hey, salia4! Good to see you again! I do agree that while the idea is there, your execution needs a bit more fulfillment. The colon structure doesn't convey your message as well as it needs to be conveyed.I believe if you expounded on why your emotion was devoid, or why your hope was lost, it would help make the poem more full overall. You could provide some reasons--bullying, bad family relationships, horrible friends, etc.Additionally, although the "show, don't tell" mantra is usually applied in prose, it could be used here as well. Talking about how a certain experience made you feel could elucidate to the readers why exactly you shut down your emotions and why you lost hope. You don't have to use personal experiences if they're sensitive, but details would definitely add to the message. This applies to all of the stanzas of the poem. I know the review was short, but hopefully, it was helpful! I apologize if anything sounded harsh. Keep writing!XOX,erilea
I wrote this when I was in one of my depressed moods, therefore, there wasn't too much effort put forth, I was simply writing what was on my mind. Awhile after writing this I tried to go back through and edit it, however I had no idea what to do with it. So, I posted it here hoping you guys could help me out! All suggestions and criticism is welcome and much appreciated! Any praise is also welcome, however this isn't one of my best pieces and if I'm being honest, could definitely use some editing.Thank you guys for the support you've given me on my other pieces, and I really hope you can help me out with this one!
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