only half the moon tonight, he's feeling rather shy
the face hidden there has half turned to infinity
the other side observing with his watchful eye
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suspended stars laugh quietly in the dark
murmuring soft, letting off a timid light
learning secrets of the world as they hark
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and then the void, dark matter in between
obscuring wonders not ready to be seen.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Trying to get in one last review before this is over!
Okay this will be short.
Firstly, overall I love this. The imagery is beautiful; I can see it in the night sky where I am right now.
Only thing I can find is that the lack of commas in certain one, mainly just "the face hidden there has half turned to infinity..." Between "there" and "has" could use a comma I believe. At least it would be easier for me to read if there was a comma. Other than that, it's great.
Happy Review Day. Love your writing!
Hi rubykae, Felistia here with a review on your poem.
Firstly, happy review day.
The story: There isn't really a story the poem is more of a description really. I love that you described as being shy, I have never see the moon described that way before and is interesting to read. Over all the descriptions are excellent and carries the poem really well.
The punctuation and grammar: There isn't much punctuation in this poem so it is alright. Don't ask me to give you punctuation advice, I am terrible at it. There aren't any grammar mistakes either as far as I can see and the sentences just melt to gather perfectly.
The over all: Over all I really like it and look forward to more of your work.
Problems: The only problem is in the line (obscuring wonders not ready to be seen.) If you aren't going for any punctuation on the ends of your lines you shouldn't have a period at the end of the last sentence.
And that is it for the review. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Hey Rubykae,
Only half the moon what. Like I can understand what you are saying through context, but this sentence is still left to read a little unfinished.You asked and I recieved.
Happy Review Day, I hope you have gotten some great reviews and given some on this glorious of days.
Let's get on with the review why don't we...
So this is a short poem (thank the lord, since I told myself one more and then I'll take care of laundry). Anyways, I like this, it's kinda cute. Like always with me thogh (no matter how much I like something) I have some suggestions.
The first one involves formatting (which I have had to say a lot today). The whole space inbetween a line thing is just so annoying to read and I honestly don't know if you did it purposly but I would think of changing it.
I would suggest changing the word half to something different since you already used it above.
This stanza has got to be my favorite if not for the rhyming. Hark just sounds so out of place to me. Maybe you could find another word to replace it. But yes, this is my favorite stanza.
The last thing is that your ending stanza feels unfinished to me since your other two stanzas had three lines instead of two. Maybe you could add another line (or not) just something to think about.
Overall good work, I enjoyed reading it. Have questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you for the review! I actually didn't mean to do the line thing in between- for some reason if I didn't use them and just put a space then no space would appear at all
Oh ok, that kinda sucks. Well I'm still glad I helped.
Hey there, rubykae!
I really enjoyed your poem! I'd have to say it's one of my favourites that I have read on YWS so far- I truly mean that!
I love how creative and imaginative you are with the description of the moon, the stars and the darkness of the night- it's very inspirational and could almost be considered fantasy!
It was a wonderful poem, my friend, it was mysterious, imaginative and almost innocent! I just loved it!
I hope to read more of your works, my friend!
MissLyricz X
P.S. You've earned yourself a follow!
Thank you so much, it makes me so happy when people enjoy my poetry
I'm looking forward to reading your work as well!
No problem, you're than deserving of it, my friend.
And thank you, I appreciate that!
Short and sweet! I love this, very imaginative and you're not just describing what's there - you've touched on what isn't there, too. There's not much to touch on, mostly because this is quite short compared to what I normally review, but here we go anyway.
To me, this sounds a bit awkward. I wouldn't worry about it too much, but try and consider a better line. Hark at the end of the sentence seems a bit off in my opinion.
Quite possibly my favourite lines ^^
This breaks out of the stereotypical night sky poem style that only uses what's there. I love it!
This is a really creative poem. The way you described the stars as laughing - I'm assuming that each twinkle is a laugh, which is really cute! And you've only been here for what, 3 days? Great job with settling in!
Hi, thank you so much for the review! I agree with you on the word hark... I thought it might be a little weird too, I really just couldn't find anything else to rhyme there, but I still might try to change it. I'm also glad you liked the last lines... they were my favorite too