Fingers strike keys
As heart beats
Keep me breathing
Fill my lungs with oxygen
Living in black dots
On smashed dead trees.
Some moments are worked for
And some are just given-
A man wrote moonlight to
Shine from our fingertips.
The gates to heaven
Are composed of keys
If you squint hard enough
The black dots are stars
They make up the galaxies
Pushed and pulled by fingerprints
Some moments are worked for
And some are just given-
What galaxies do you create?
What stars give your heart beats?
What keys keep breathing so easy?
Through a maze of stars I find my soul-
It's hidden in the valleys of my fingertips.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi. This is kman134. Here to review your work.
A poem about a piano. That's one rare poem because not many people use a piano as a muse. I can se that when playing a piano, you could create galaxies by our fingertips. The keys shine like the light of the moonlight. the music you play would be like hearing the voice of God in a symphony of wonder.
the spiritual aspect of the poem such as "a maze of stars i find my soul". that feels like how piano player reacts when playing music like Moonlight Sonata.
Anyway, it was a very beautiful poem. I hope to read more.
Thank you!
Hi there, thought I'd take a look at this!
I think this should be heartbeats because you're talking about them specifically rather than saying 'a heart beats'.Specifics
1.
2. I'm not sure what the black dots are or how they fit into the heart imagery so I think you need to expand on that. I'm also not sure about 'smashed dead trees' as I don't know what to imagine - lots of splinters of rotting wood or a tree that's still standing but which has been smashed into with a car? I'm really not sure what the image is.
3. These two lines are pretty! Again I'm not quite sure how they fit but I don't mind as much because they're pretty.
4. I like the language you've used in the end of the poem but I'm struggling to find the meaning in it or to piece together the images. I think the repetition of the keys and fingerprints/ fingertips is good but I don't understand how it all fits together and that's frustrating and means I'm less likely to remember the poem. It felt like at the beginning it was about a love of music and that seemed to come back briefly in the line about heaven's gates being made of keys but I still don't understand where the black dots or dead trees came in and there's no actual mention of music, of what it feels like or looks like or sounds like. If this is a poem about music then maybe play with the tempo a bit to get that across and try to describe the music itself. Imagine you're describing it to a deaf person and try to make them understand why it's so much more than just sound.
If I've misunderstood what the poem's about, I'm sorry! But hopefully this will give you a few ideas/ something to think about.
All the best,
Heather
Thanks!
No problem!
Hey Hey!
How are you? Ready for a review?
This is good. This is really good. And I don't even play the piano. I think you do?
I'm not good at reviewing poems, so are with me, okay?
"Fingers strike keys
As heart beats
Keep me breathing
Fill my lungs with oxygen
Living in black dots
On smashed dead trees."
That verse refers to how you can't live without piano. It flows nicely, smooth, and elegantly said. It feels very light, like words that can flutter. Well done.
"The gates to heaven
Are composed of keys" I agree with this, part of me believes that there will be a piano at the lobby of Heaven as I come in. hahahhaha.
The only thing I can criticize is punctuation, because the rest is absolutely wonderful! When does the reader take breathes? Ask yourself that and you will know where to set a comma or a stop.
"Through a maze of stars I find my soul-
It's hidden in the valleys of my fingertips. " This is a great ending. Gives it a strong thinker to end with.
Good Job!
Love,
Lau.
Thank you!