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E - Everyone

Take Away

by rissymay

I watched her smile fall away from her face-

Her laughter, the last sunset I remember

Before the sky went dark. 

That happiness became as seldom as the stars.

A villain named clinical depression took her away.

I remember when my grandpa used to smile but

the memory is a distant star because

I watched his smile being pulled away from him-

The corners of his mouth became a straight line.

A villain named Parkinson's disease took him away.

According to some people, one isn't real.

Because depression is

"just a phase"

"just being moody"

"just being a teenager"

"just a feeling"

And all you have to do is

"just be happy"

"just pray about it"

"just smile"

"just stop crying."

I wish someone would've told my grandpa

"just stop shaking"

"just stand up"

"just get stronger"

"just talk normal"

Because maybe he would've gotten better.

Because that's how you beat the bad guy, right?

Why are some villains magically not real 

Because they affect a different side of the brain?

You say you don't understand the things

You can't see but I see

Grandpa in a wheelchair because he can't walk

Grandpa's mouth hardly moving saying "I love you"

Grandpa trying to smile even though he can't

Just as I can see

My friend's straight line of a smile

My friend not coming to school in two weeks

My friend laughing just once to my amazement.

So don't say it isn't real because

I've seen depression take my best friend

Just like I've seen Parkinson's take my grandpa.

These disease, so different, share one thing:

they take away. 

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120 Reviews

Points: 4842
Reviews: 120

Sun Aug 28, 2016 11:57 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...

Hello! Ripple here on this sweet Review Day.

I can definitely relate to the message you convey here. You have assuredly hit the nail on the head here. The parallels between the two is what reinforces that point. The framing you do with

A villain named clinical depression took her away.
A villain named Parkinson's disease took him away.

I've seen depression take my best friend
Just like I've seen Parkinson's take my grandpa.

is also very well done.

One thing that I noticed while reading was your capitalization. The lines from your perspective are capitalized, while the lines with "just..." are not. This creates nice contrast, but there are two lines that don't follow that.
the memory is a distant star because
they take away.

These aren't capitalized, and there doesn't seem to be a reason why. Yes, the first makes sense grammatically when not capitalized, but that didn't stop you in other lines. Try to be consistent.

Overall, I very much enjoyed reading this poem. Keep writing!

User avatar
8 Reviews

Points: 173
Reviews: 8

Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:15 am
ShadeMaster wrote a review...

You spent a great deal of time on this, and I want you to know that your hard work has paied off. This is perfect, just the kind of poetry that high schools and colleges are looking for. Thus is perfect, and I should know, I go to a college prep. School. I can't write this good. If you become an author, I will read everyone of your books. Thank you for the great reading. I think, so know, this is what the world is looking for.

User avatar
8 Reviews

Points: 184
Reviews: 8

Sun Aug 21, 2016 5:17 pm
mwgoza97 says...

This piece of poetry is a work of art. It brings the pain of having a loved one that is suffered from a mental disorder or depression. The deep details of this magnificent piece of work have deeply cut my heart. This brings out the true villain that destroys families, friendships, and the brain. Many people have been blinded by this villain to not know when a love one needs help. Your poem has and will bring reality to others around. Excellent piece of work for just a mandatory slam poetry project in English Class. Thank you for writing this poem

rissymay says...

Thank you so much!

When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind