Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
I tell myself; she ain’t shit
Hesitation when she reaches out
Tentative question she asks, “Is this okay?”
My heart didn’t skip a beat
My breath isn’t caught
My pause, knowing it isn’t and
My hoping maybe if she does
She’ll make it okay
But she ain’t shit
My head shakes
My heart trembles, “No.”
My voice running on fumes
She doesn’t know
How I lost my sense of home, long ago
Regaining it when we embrace
Home, familiar and warm
Smells of food, I look forward to returning
I rest my head, peace washing over me
I hunger for that intimacy
A craving she aggravates because I want the silence interrupted with
Fabric rustling as her arm wraps around me
Pulling close, her nose nuzzling my shoulder
I want that
SHIT
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139,843 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Wow. This was actually quite powerful.
I was expecting something different but this was impressive.
Let me ask a few questions though. Why is he feeling this way? What is making him feel peace but not passion? Is the girl feeling everything he isn't? What is the girl actually feeling? Does he care enough to be aware of what she is feeling? What led to them being in this situation? Is there tension and if so what kind?
You don't have to tell me the answer to these questions. I just wanted to know if you knew the answer. Maybe if you didn't, you could revise this with those questions in mind.
You have a lot of power in this poem, and that's great. This isn't your typical poem and that's why I liked it. You did well.
EverWinter
Heya, Reason! This is Casanova here for a review!
Anyway, I'd like to say I really understood this poem, and I appreciate it and like it. Anyway, to the review!
Okay, first off, although I like how you say,"She ain't shit," I feel like you use the work too repetitively. Yeah, I get it. She's shit, and you want her. But three times? To me, at least I think this is too much. And I've said women are shit in the past, and normally just once then I leave. Even if you want them.
Anyway, the next thing.
The first part makes this seem like you're not reconsidering, but the last part shows you are. It's a cunudrum, because it contradicts each other. I get it, you can be sure of something and still be hesitant. But, the first two lines aren't hesitation. But pausing is. I think you could exclude that part, and just start the line at,"knowing it isn't," and I feel as if this would make it better.
The next thing
In mu opinion these are the best lines of the poem. Amazing, yet simple and true. Relate-able. Intriguing. Thank you for this, and in my opinion they sum up the rest of the poem quite nicely.
The next part-
I know I said I didn't like the repetition but this gets me, and I've read over this several times XD. The repetition isn't good in itself, but the,"I want that," then dropping the,"SHIT," lower is awesome. It's like you're just saying you want her, then you call her shit again lol. Something I can relate to very well.
Anyway, I hope this helped at least a bit.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
thought this was going to be the f-word lol
same here xD
I really like this, but some of the places where you started a new line didn’t really make sense to me. Something I liked was how you arranged the faded words, they added more meaning to the poem. It is also very easy to follow along with what’s happening in the poem. Good work.
I LOVE THIS *-*