the world blurs by
becoming nothing
more than crude shapes of
things.
peoples.
few places.
i didn't pay attention
in the passenger seat
of my own life
more than metaphor
i sit in a gray prius
as my partner drives
my car.
i comment on her driving
"i can't help it," she replies;
"i drive fast" smiles brightly
i mention my pain
my eyes are vacant
overwhelmed with pain
i sigh, exasperated
"why can't you
ask me how i feel?"
no more assumptions,
i plead
she swerves defensively
"i don't do that
naturally," she spits a curse
for that reckless driver
the one who cut her off.
she goes on
"can't you see i try?
i feel your expectations
are unreasonable," she glances at me.
through me.
i die at the thought.
maybe.
i am.
unreasonable.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
I don't know if you did it intentionally or not, but that last line is a gut-punching play on your username, and it's amazing.
This is probably going to be a short review because I am way rusty with reviewing, but I think the biggest weakness of this piece lies in the enjambment, and I think the first two lines in particular would really benefit from a bit of reworking in that department, if only to make them a bit more conceptually interesting in their own right rather than relying on the reread factor.
One possibility that immediately comes to my mind:
The first line retains its meaning, but the second gains more motion and mutability, more clearly signals that there is a change going on/coming ahead.
As it is, the first lines didn't hold any interest for me, and even with rereading, they feel pretty weak to me.
I think a stronger start to this would be with the "i didn't pay attention" line onwards, slipping in the current first lines later in the poem. I'm thinking it would probably fit neatest after the "my car." line, though I think it would be interesting to insert it after the "my eyes are vacant", though that possibly disrupts the double-meaning of the following line.
That aside, ow.
It wasn't intentional at the moment of writing. I sat in the that gray prius, she had driven the way to therapy, and I was processing the conversation from the day before.
Regrettably, it wasn't intentional in that those were her exact words. I thought people might catch on to how it related to my username and there would be some bittersweet amusement. That low, mirthless acknowledgement "aha!"
I concur that there would be value in making a stronger "hook" so to speak, at least for a stronger first impression. This is a first draft and I am receptive to constructive criticism.
Enjambment -lack of form, it came from my last poeting session. The writer who coached me adores the curt statements broken into fragments. Funny how that I went to that session two years ago for this piece, but alas that's life.
Thanks, ow -doesn't quite describe it. She is homeless so I took her into my apartment which is now our apartment and the relationship is on pause. As you know, nothing is quite simple in this life primarily because I try to make compromises ... when others would most likely wouldn't, but that's my decision and luckily no one else has to live with those consequences!
Thanks to the review, Paw-paw. I hope all is going well. Go read someone who actually put effort into their work!
But it was intentional in that you left it in once you saw the connection. ;P
Re: enjambment, the length or fragmentary nature of the lines wasn't what stood out to me, but rather how each line has a hard time standing on its own as a fragmented idea. Ideally, each line holds its own weight individually by embodying a concept or image, even as that individual concept/image is subservient to the poem as a whole. The "more than metaphor" line is a great example of a line having its own weight, with that weight adding to the meaning of the poem as a whole, and I think if you played around more with the enjambment, you could get more lines that are equally impactful that present their own images within the larger images of this piece.
Compromises are important, but the best ones involve both sides being equally involved and sharing the responsibility.
And don't go telling me who or what to read. I READ AS I PLEASE! *shakes fist*
Wow my friend even thought I have never meet you in my whole time of being on the YWS but I can tell that you are a very good writer and that you can have a lot of meaning to your poems. I am sorry if you don't like to hear bad news about the things you write about but I am going to have to give you so so you can do better in the future. Those things are that you need to start with bold works and phrases and you need to start having Capitol letters in your story's.
There are so good things about your story too like I like the way when you say why don't you ask how I feel and to me that says a lot about who you are and how there are some bad things going on with you and that is a very good thing to have in you story's.
Also I would like to say that you are a very good writer and that you can do a lot more than what you are doing now because I just finished reading a poem that was more detailed and longer than yours. Also they were younger and writing a better vocabulary than what you are doing right now, and I think that you can do better than then with your writing skills and you need to get better at you story's an I know you are 23 but that is no exuse for you to have a bad vocabulary and if you do have a great vocabulary then I want to see that in the next poem or story you write.
Before I go and do some more reviews I would like to say that if you are planing on writing a new poem or a story let me know because I would love to read it in the future an write a very good but long review about it. Also you need to let me know if you have a better vocabulary than what you have now. Last before I go I would like to day you need to keep writing your story's and poems because not only are they good the are able to inspire others who read what you write, and what do you know maybe in the future I will write story's and ou will be the one writing the review but in the mean time I am the one writing the reviews for you. If you what to read the story/poem let me know I would be glad to let ou read it and then you could write a review.
I suggest you come off your high horse with higher vocabulary to realize not all works utilize such things. Prime example of a best seller -Harry Potter, she had terrible prose and god awful word choice: however, I give it to her that she can create a world full of life.
In this piece, I focused more on character development and inane details meant to make it seem timeless god forbid should I say contemporary. Much like those awful indie films I love to watch in which young people huddle on a street corner, it's midnight, and they contemplate the meaning of their lives with each other. I'm resisting the desire to throw shots at particular authors who have capitalized on such.
I would hope you would run your reviews through spellcheck next time. The grammar was cringe-worthy. Before making assumptions on my vocabulary, I suggest you to look at my other works -readily accessible to the right of this published piece so that you may not come off as a fool in the future.
The first several lines of thought come across heavily vacant of purpose upon first read. That's not a problem in the published poetry world because there's going to be the reread factor, which is where this piece shines.
Basically the emptiness and almost wistful feeling in the first half (before dialogue) receives its heaviness and meaning in the later lines. It's a thing that happens, and it's not a bad factor; just something to be aware of.
Your flow is pretty excellent, though I feel like the moving waves of line spaces is unnecessary and detracts from deeper thought that can otherwise be spent on the meat of the piece itself. But instead, readers will be trying to figure out the purpose of the meandering lines. I mean, I get it. It's meandering and lost and sort of floating on intoxicated clouds. It's a purposeful thing, but I want you to make sure you're doing it for the purpose of deeper meaning instead of just flow adjustment, because ultimately you don't need it.
Overall the piece is standout and publishable. Definitely worth rereading, and it definitely landed a spot in my comfort reading doc with other standout pieces. Keep it up. Keep in touch. You're a goddess.
Ty
I can see where the visual wasn't necessary. Would it be awful to say that I'm not accustomed to the change in format for new works -my breaks weren't showing clearly so I reverted to altering the format, I could pretend it was a master stroke as Reise accredits it to -but alas.
You know how I can't bear to lie to your face, Lumbear. I didn't do it for flow adjustment -I did it because curse the changes in YWS.
Thank you for the kind words. I would like to tell you this was written when I dropped her off to therapy and I mourned like all angsty young adults do by trying to find meaning in something perfectly meaningless. Things happen.
This reminds me of so many car conversations with my ex.
I really love the voice in this one and the way it swerves with the format of the poem. The way those go hand-in-hand here are really pleasant.
One of the things that does confuse me is that you have appropriate punctuation throughout the poem but in this part
it seems to be lacking. Still, this is my favorite part of the poem, especially that which starts "more than a metaphor".
There's a lot of feeling here that you convey with simple, sweet words and format. I tend to gravitate to poems that seem simple on the outside but reveal so much more about themselves when looked closer at. And I love how well you did that here.
The sudden change from regular conversation to the narrator's question is jarring but relatable in a way that hurts (haha) but it's one of my favorite parts as well. The way something can go from "okay" to "not so much" during everyday situations in a relationships is something strange and I'm surprised how you managed to work that into your poem so well.
The only other thing is that the first three lines seem to disrupt the format and I'm thinking it would look more cohesive if it were changed.
Also, I feel some of the lines breaks during moments of dialog (for example, starting at "I don't do that") are cut weirdly. It creates strange breaks that disrupt the flow a little, at least for me.
Otherwise, I really loved your poem even though it made me sad, but, hey, I think that was the point ;P.
Looking forward to your next one, reason!!
-RP
I can see the disruption in format and how I should have probably remained mindful to keeping it consistent for no other purpose than peace of mind.
Lack of punctuation was an oversight on my end.
Ah those pesky ex's.
Thanks for your time! I don't poet and appreciate you put more thought into this than I did.
I don't poet-review but I really liked this one so I wanted to show some appreciation ^^
You should not-poet again sometime. I like your style.
Calling what I do as style is a misnomer, at best there's an enigmatic voice -but without discipline or form, it's eh. That's why I appreciate the feedback from people who care! Thanks again, Stranger.