Paradise

Reason,

Remember I said I'd give you a review-proper, and this is because you rock. And because this deserves it.

Hell, you could run out of space on your camera. Each step you take warrants a photo.

The words come out muffled behind her hands. She covers her face -hiding her "hideous" acne.

Like Hawai'i and its awful public transportation. The bus takes longer than the advertised thirty minutes. I remember waiting once over an hour -that sucked.

Her eyes remind of rock candy: shock blue crystallized sugar.

Like Hawai'i and its milk situation

I hate her generosity. People return her items: broken. She never learns. I remember how she would feed me. Sweet Lily let me stay with her for the night; because my roommate yells . . . at a significant other at four in the morning.

She despises her own smile: her chipmunk smile. I love it. The way her cheeks become full with unadulterated glee: like a chipmunk that shoved one too many acorns into its mouth.

Those shock blue crystallized sugar eyes take on this sweet shine.

...because it reminds me of the time my brother started University. We were driving down to Georgia from New York City. It was 4 in the morning, my brother and I were at a Target in Tennessee buying dormstuff, but the car wouldn't start and we had shopping carts full of stuff that would hardly even fit in the trunk. We ended up just chatting for hours on top of the roof of his car eating sliced bread. Yeah, sliced bread, we laughed about it too, because that was going to be his new diet. Maybe it was the softness in the bread that made my brother turn to mush, I wasn't sure. All I knew was that he was really afraid about moving down here all alone, and the next thing I knew we saw the black outline of the tow truck against a summer's sunrise, and it was as if the temporary disaster no longer mattered, because it didn't. Of course, that was when we learned the first thing about the South: they sure take their goddamn time.

There are many reasons why I like this piece. The main one being the irony. You talk about your love for Hawai'i and how wonderful it is, comparing it to this girl, Lily, that you love, yet you find little "paradise" in that. The very last sentence is what really tied the idea together. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I like it. I like the flow your story has, and how you created your characters in the little space you took up. The beauty of this paragraph is astounding. I would work on the grammar which has been mentioned already, otherwise its a great piece of work! =)

As promised, review from Aries. Obviously, this review, like any other, should be taken wit a grain of salt. Because I found very few actual technical errors to correct, these are more my opinion of how to make things flow a little better. It is NOT a total tear-apart, just ideas on how to make things work. So if you don't like something I say, no worries -- you don't have to listen!


Any and all changes or additions, such as a mark change or a word switch, go inside [ ]

Any suggestions go inside [ ]

Deleted items have an [x] in its place


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I love her like I love Hawai'i. It's fucking paradise. [Got me hooked and interested right away. You establish an immediate casual tone] A faint scent of salt lingers in the air. You can almost taste the ocean. Hell, you could run out of space on your camera [made me laugh]. Each step you take warrants a photo. Every moment with her warrants a photo. She turns red and hisses, "Dani!" Those chipmunk cheeks burn scarlet: "Stop it." The words come out muffled behind her hands. She covers her face -[ ]hiding her "hideous" acne. I like her for, not despite, those flaws. Like Hawai'i and its awful public transportation [another laugh]. The bus takes longer than the advertised thirty minutes. I remember waiting once over an hour -[ ]that sucked. [I think back a ways.] Her eyes remind [me] of rock candy: shock blue crystallized sugar. Before I met her, [she] had hair [gleaming like threads of] night. [But then, v]elvet obsidian locks lightened with the Hawai'ian sun to a rich bay [describe more than her hair in this sentence and how it changes her overall appearance. How does it fall over her shoulders? Does it frame her face well? Does it cause any of her features to become shockingly apparent? Add on this sentence]. Her eyebrows got lighter until certain bits were a golden honey. Like Hawai'i and its milk situation, a gallon sells for five dollars -[ ]on sale. I love milk. It sells for six dollars at Foodland (without tax.) I still love Hawai'i, but fuck. It [sucks sometimes]. I hate her generosity. People return her items[x] broken [and abused]. She never learns. I remember how she would feed me. Sweet Lily let me stay with her for the night; because my roommate yells [x] at a significant other at four in the morning. I can't recall the number of times we shared a bed. In my sleep, I [would mumble]: "Lily, move -[ ]you're hogging the bed." I sprawled myself over this twin-sized mattress, taking up three fourths of the [tiny thing]. Poor Lily, she was squished between the wall and[,] wel[l][,] [. . .] me. She despises her own smile: [a] chipmunk['s] smile. I love it. The way her cheeks become full with [unbridled] glee: like a chipmunk that shoved one too many acorns into its mouth. Those [sweet, shallow blue eyes] take on [a] sweet shine [like...add a simile here]. [Her] golden-bay eyebrows jump up. Like Hawai'i, I couldn't anticipate how much I would miss her. Not until we reached the airport. We hugged. I took in her Lily scent for the last time. Nuzzling her neck, I breathed deeply. It frustrated me to no end; I couldn't place what comprised her Lily scent. All I know is that it [is definitely Lily's smell and it] made my [eyes go out of focus]. [My heart quickened, too.] I know because she [x] took my wrist [and measured the pulse]. [x] "Your heart is skipping a beat[,]" [she had said, and, with her being a pre-med student, I believed it.] Her eyebrows stitched together, "Hmmm." She leaned in close: "Are you all right?" [Cool, adjective, fingers] pressed [x] my forehead. "Hot, like a furnace." I gulped. I [x] tak[e] in her scent, imagining this is our last time. Oh, God[,] I realize too late. I'm whispering into her ear: "I don't think . . . we'll see each other again." "You'll come back," she asserts, "We'll see each other again." "I don't think so," [say,] [and] I hold her tight[,] taking in her smell one more time. I have to go. I vowed on our way here, I wouldn't cry. I did not cry. I stiffly let her go. Ten steps later, it came out. Tears streamed down my cheeks. There was[n't a thing] I could do to stop it. That was the last time[x] I saw Lily. Two weeks shy of six months later, I returned. Hawai'i greeted me with a delayed city bus. It took an hour and ten minutes to arrive. They call Hawai'i paradise. Fucking paradise.

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I loved this. Oh gosh, I loved this. This was so casual, so real, so very intimate with the reader and honest. Personal. The flippant style pairs nicely with the way you (your MC?) is so attached to this girl. A powerful, effective clash that creates a three-dimensional character. Well done there.

My biggest problem here is just...inconsistency with tenses. I'm looking back and editing and I'm still a bit confused around the point where he says goodbye to Lily. Leading up, you have present tense; then he refers to the goodbye in past tense (I couldn't anticipate how much I would miss her) and then describes the interaction in present tense. Not terribly jarring there, really. But then you go into, basically, "I returned to Hawai'i two weeks shy of six months later." So you refer to the future in past and the past as present.
It's actually a fairly minor problem that requires more the author making some decisions on what exactly what you want to do. But I'll throw it out there that that confused me a bit. Pick and choose how you want it all to go and stick with it. Personally, I would make the descriptions past and his goodbye present, with the mention of returning as an "added note," as if the story was written first and that was added as an afterthought those several months later.

Also, of course, is your formatting, but you say that it just isn't working on here so I'll take your word on that. Wall of text was definitely intimidating to tackle though, of course ha ha.

Next -- the dynamics. You describe another character while developing the first. It's incredibly interesting and causes a beautiful formation of a personality. As I expressed at the start of this review, I enjoyed it immensely. Believable and easy to sympathize with -- the cussing was definitely part of his character and I would keep that. It's entertaining and real.
And then -- then! Then you have a dynamic and believable character that you're describing! Barely got any real "face time" with Lily and yet she spreads out incredibly well. You touch on those key elements that define a person and make them different, and I can appreciate that. You didn't describe what she looked like and her sweet voice and left it at that. You explored her insecurities and her flaws, and those flaws really did make her beautiful. Bravo.

In the end, this was so entertaining and enjoyable that I read it multiple times beyond my annotation. Really a powerful story -- compact and precise, just as I like them. Your comparisons of Lily and Hawai'i was humorous and light, a good preparation for the irony your present at the end.
Overall, great work. Keep writing. You're good at it.

Dude, I didn't really get the plot, I mean what were you saying, I've never went to hawii :s, But I did had one beautiful girl and man... this writing reminded me of her. everything! every single thing. I felt kind of ... ashamed. - It's too lame when you realize that you lost something that mattered. Something really special, but you realize that after you no longer own it. and when I realized that it was kind a lame.


So thanks for reminding me about how I suck -_-


But work is great though ^_^

This is a really great piece and i loved you're description. I also really appreciate the fact that you didn't make you're character, Lily, perfect. She was flawed, which made her even more realistic. The comparison with Hawaii was also very creative.
Good job with this, and keep writing!
~Sharitm2