Not the morning lights or the dying days.
Not the living tree or the darkened night.
Nothing can be compared to you.
Nothing in the masterpiece of this world can be compared to you.
But should I let myself be deceived by you?
Or should I let you sleep in the peaceful, silvery night
of the evening moon?
My unconscious mind is begging for your soft brown eyes.
The ones that stare at me with loving care
in the dark days of my desperation.
And my conscious mind is fighting against the power of your love.
But should I die and close my eyes and forget you?
Or should I keep looking at your beautiful perfection?
My senses fail when the smell of your skin penetrates my soul.
Your voice is the soft lullaby I sing at night.
But should I learn to kill, just for this selfish feeling?
Or should I kill you before your heart turns against me?
I'm your most wonderful victim of jealousy
and you're my most admirable grace.
My deepest desire lies in you.
Just human things, human desires.
Just a human girl, human heart.
A heart that no longer belongs inside my chest
but in your hands, resting near yours.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hi pudin.junidf,
Take a look at all of your one-word descriptions. Morning, dying, living, darkened, peaceful, silvery, evening. These don't say anything; they are words designed to escape from the work of actually having to paint a picture, which doesn't include vague formalities such as "dying" - how does the reader know that something is dying? - and visual indicators like "darkened" or "silvery". The five senses are there for a reason; use them.
The rest of this stanza, including the atrocity in the center of the poem ("Nothing can be compared to you") looks like it has been taken out of a book listing all possible cliches. Remove that middle line especially, and inject imagery and actual lyric poetry into the other bland statements about nothing in the world being comparable to your love.
This is very abrupt. Objectively, there's nothing wrong with it, per se. Subjectively, it is this stanza that utterly ruined the poem for me. The entire history of the dark days of depression is forced into there, crammed into the poem's unwilling jaws. It's an info-dump, except presented in poetry rather than the usual prose. Change it and hint at it rather than telling the reader outright.
This is boring. Find a way to exemplify someone without having to use the words "beautiful", "perfection", "victim of jealousy", and other sappy, dripping language that rejects an empathetic emotion more than it elicits one.
See above. Also, the repetition of "human" is cute for the first two times and then becomes annoying. Take at least one of those "human"s out.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Things in green I changed, things in red I think should be taken out. Though it flows relatively well, all the the's and unnecessary words make it hard to get through at times.
Consider dropping the first line of the last stanza. Cliche and frankly not needed, plus it looks better because most of the stanzas you already have are four lines. Makes sense to me, though that is a personal preference.
The only other comment that I think could help this (mostly because it is very well done) is some breaks in thought. A good pause in the middle of a line is a sure way to show emotion and right now I think this poem is lacking a good pause for reflection.
Hope this helps.
I really, really liked this. It had such beautiful simplicity to it. The description was wonderful, it flowed really well, it wasn't super rhymey-rhymey. Good job!
Just a couple of super nitpicky things I picked up on the second read through...
This repetition of 'you' kind of bothered me.
Love.
Great description.
This makes slightly less sense on the second read through now that I'm reading a little more slowly.
Why would she have to kill for this person? Why she contemplating killing the person she loves? Is she a crazy person?
Really nice job overall. I'm giving you a gold star!
-Carly
Hello, Roon here, as requested! Thank you for replying to my thread! I’m going to start with nitpicks.
Okay, so you have a good basis here. It could be wonderful. I just think you need to be clear about what the poem is supposed to achieve. Why is murder brought into it? I wasn’t entirely sure why you did this. The imagery, when used, was rather cliché at times. I also think you should add more imagery as we need a feel of what is going on.
The conflicting ideas presented in the poem got a little distracting. You need to choose one message and stick with it.
Other than that, your use of language was, for the most part, wonderful. The reader could definitely feel that there was strong emotion behind the poem, but this reader couldn’t quite decipher what it was. Your writing style has definitely come on, and I think you’ll continue to progress, if you take all the advice that people give you and apply it to your work. You have a great natural talent that I hope you will continue to explore.
You need to be careful of the cliché pitfall that gets so many writers. If you try to be a little more original with your use of metaphors, this could be wonderful. You also need to try to show rather than tell, as you do fall into this trap as well at times.
So, overall, this is a good poem, but with work, it could be amazing! Hope this helped, and I hope that nothing I said caused offence, or if I got the wrong end of the stick at any point. Thank you for posting and thank you for replying to my thread, if I can ever help you again, you know where to find me, or if you just want to talk! See you around!
~ Roon
Hey pudin! Here as requested!
Okay, this has been overall picked apart already but I want to really just reinforce a few things. First off there’s the emotion in the story which I do like. It’s the feeling of a girl who has fallen too far in love. And when it comes to that particular scenario, then you have to show your character practically losing their mind over this person. And I think you embody this feeling well, especially here:
That emotion is probably the most important part of this poem.
What WWW said here is very true and I think just going in with a thesaurus in one hand and a pen in the other is going to be extremely beneficial.
Overall though, this is a great poem and I think you did a wonderful job conveying the point that you were trying to bring across! Congrats!
Hey Pudin! ^^ Here as requested, forgive me for any delays.
I don't think the repetition here works, really. Repetition is used to stress a point, which is, I suppose, what you were aiming for here. But I think it only really works when, the second (or third or forth) time around, the repetition brings something new to the poem. I don't think this is quite effective enough, so it becomes redundant.
EDIT: Okay, so it's the title. xD I never look at titles, oddly enough? But still, while I think the idea is important enough for a title, I don't think it's interesting enough to repeat.
Why would she/he have to die to forget him/her? This is a tad melodramatic.
So, I think your main issue here is you're not really using your poetic license enough here.
Like Kat said, the words you use-- dark, dying, kill, eyes --have all been used millions of times before in all kinds of poetry. You need to get a bit more creative, more adventurous here with your descriptions. You tell us what can't compare to them, okay. What does that make them, then? How would you describe their excellence? Reflections of heaven? Cool breezes on warm summer days? Add some metaphors, some similes, some imagery in here to spice up your language and offer something for us to ponder.
Also, I'm a bit confused as to your meaning here:
What does killing have to do with their love? I was thinking that maybe one or the other was a vampire, possibly, but that didn't really make sense in context with the last stanza either. I suggest changing this. Not necessarily spelling it out for us-- there's a difference between being subtle and being incomprehensible.
I don't think rhythm is really a problem here-- if you have some beautiful words and phrases and images, line length shouldn't matter quite as much. ^_^
So, PM me for anything! ^^ Good job, and good luck!
~Evi
Hi ^^ Vii here with a review...
OK, so I'm really not one to notice wording and such in a poem, but I can notice the feelings and emotions you're trying to convey here. But I would like to say one thing...
If there is meant to be a rhythm it is kinda off...lines are shorter than others or extremely long. It doesn't give a flow to the poem. If that was your intention, then good job. If it wasn't I suggest you keep it in mind for further reference.
All in all I understood the emotion coming out of here. I clicked on this poem in the first place because the title caught my eye. I believe everyone's gone through this experience in life, when that one person is the essence of everything in your life, and you got that feeling out quite well
Good job and keep writing!
Thanks, editing right now!!
Hi there, Juni! How have you been? I'm here to review -- as is my duty to my beloved student! Let's see how helpful I can be
I. Breaks
I wanted to put this first, because this is a matter on which I'm really excited. Incredibly, I don't usually like this length of line, being this long, but I enjoyed it here. Your breaks were really good, nothing like those I saw on your early poems. So, good job there! I'm glad you improved.
II. Wording
Here, is where I thought it was messier. There are these amazing moments, where everything you wrote was beautiful and I could picture it and feel it-
- but others where the language was far too simple. I begun reading this poem, and felt like it was slightly boring due to your wording at the beginning. But then, I read the last lines of the first stanza and wanted to read more, even though the previous were not that good. If you spicy it up a bit, maybe change some order of the words or replace with more lyrical synonyms it will help -- I feel like this kind of poem, with this theme and scenario needs something more poetic. Now, I can't be a big of help there, since my knowledge of the English vocabulary is limited, but you can research on web sites or PM some members asking. One I would recommend, is Jon (light green moderator), for he is considered the YWS Poetry God. Well, at least by me ^.^
For example, this line:
If you just trade desperation for something better, as despair which is shorter but I think it would fit better or something even more elaborated, it would just change it completely.
III. Overall
I really enjoyed this one! Probably the best of the ones I've seen from you, Juni, and you should be proud. *suppresses bragging on how it's because Kat is an amazing teacher...
So, hope I've helped, and I wanna see more of this!
- Kat <33