One dark night she shouted to herself
as her beated like fire and
went rigid a stone.
The coldness of the night
embraced her twith its dak blanket
and covered her with the memories
of her subtle murder
The silent tears falling down at night
waiting for the blessing of another
twiligt.
Her vehement desire of eternal sorrow
flooded her mind, as his eyes deprived of
life kept appearing in her nightmares.
The apathy in his eyes . Her desolated heart,
the impulsive feeling of guilt,made her think
that maybe she was condemned to eternal grief.
The violent end had come, the fire within her ceased:
And the loathe, the malign resentment for crimson blood to run
as vengeance for the remorse of the kill and the sudden
arrival of the languid grief, was finally coming to take her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey pudin!
Okay, first thing I noticed were your spelling mistakes. You cleared most of them up, but you did miss a few. For example, twiligt should be twilight.
So, as June said, beginnings are one of the most important parts in a poem. They either catch the reader's interest, or turn them away. You definitely need to work on this stanza in particular; the lines were a bit confusing (especially the second one), and your wording was unclear.
As for the rest of your poem, you need to connect your ideas! Right now they're floating around, without any real string to tie them together. Add some lines in if you must; that usually seems to work the best for me.
Overall, I think this has a ton of potential. You need to tweak some things, make the poem unique, but you're off to a good start.
Keep writing!
zOe
Yes, I will check my spelling. Thanks for telling me
Before I actually give you any other constructive criticism, you need to work on the spelling and grammar. It's confusing to read the way it's written now, and using correct spelling will make it much easier to read and understand. Please try to correct it.
Hey Pudin! June here! Welcome to YWS!
Okay! So, the opening of a poem is one of the most important parts of the poem to focus on. You want to hook your audience with the beginning and interest them with your first lines.
Here I don't necessarily feel like you've done that; the wording is slightly confusing, and you have a few errors:
> beated is improper; it should be beat or beaten.
> lke; I believe you mean like.
> And, in the second line, you have "as her". You need a noun after her; your sentence is a bit unclear, dear.
> In the second line, twith should be with
> And dak should be dark
Also, I'm not sure that this flows well, dear. It's kind of choppy-- the ideas are a little loose. Pull these together and connect your ideas! Use transitions and whatnot to make your poem fluid.
> twiligt here should be twilight, dear.
- -
I think you have a decent start, Pudin, but I think it needs work. For now, it feels like you have ideas-- good ones and they're sort of floating around. Grab these, tie them together and make sure that this flows as a poem. It's a decent start, but it definitely needs work.
Be creative, too. Poems about love/broken hearts/relationships are pretty much overdone-- we've heard of the pain, the angst and all of these feelings. Give us a reason to want to understand this and relate.
Keep writing!
June